tt tt tttttt ttt ttt ttt tttttttt tttt tttt ttttttt ttt t tt tttt tt ttt ttt tttttt t tt ttt ttt ttt ttttttt ttt ttt ttt ttt tt t ttt tt tttt tttt ttt tttt tt tttt tt tt tttt ttttt ttt tttttt t tttt tt tt tt tt tttttt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttttttt ttttt t tttt ttt ttt ttt ttt t ttt tttttttt ttttt tt t tt ttt ttt tt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttttt ttttttt ttttt ttt ttt ttt tttt tttt ttt tttt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttttttttt ttt ttt ttt ttt ttt t ttttttt ttt ttt tttt ttttt tt tttttt tttt ttt tt ttt tt ttt tt ttt ttt ttttt tttt tttt ttt t t tt tt t ttttttttt ttt ttttt tt -------------------------------------------------------------------------- T h e R a t P h i l e s A Dead Rat Society Publication -------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDITORIAL ~~~~~~~~~~~ We're back again! Yes, *this* is the official, complete, pure and unadulterated RAT electronic magazine, issue 9. RAT has been undergoing a little evolution in the past few months, we hope for the better. It has officially become 'an electronic amateur writer's magazine'. Read the officialdom at the end of the phile for more on that. Share and enjoy, The Eds. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- This Month's Exciting Edition Contains the Following Important Items :- - Editorial - Mailbox Improvement Service - Online Games News - Sale of The Century - Barbie Dolls - The Quest for Truth - Headlines - Stir Trek 3 - Quotable Quotes - 15 Ways to Annoy a Sysop - IF - Kiddies Korner - Officialdom Stuff - Credits - BBS Listings ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Are you jealous of your neighbors newly painted letter box? Is your ordinary green mailbox looking decidely unoriginal? Does the postman yawn when he delivers your letters? Why not call... * * * LACHY'S MAIL BOX IMPROVEMENT SERVICE! * * * ___________________ ___________________ / / | / *(+=*!LACHY*@!@!/@| /_________________/ | /_!@_$6%66_$_~!6@_/@#| | | | |!LACHY!@($&@^@$^^|@#| | ========= | / |\{!@*$===[]===@$$|?/ |_________________|/ |YARRASUX!%@$_$@@!|/ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | _\]| | |/._ _\]| | |/._ .-=+[{"[;]{//_ .-=+[{"[;]{//_ B E F O R E A F T E R The complete letter box repainting service. In the latest fashion colours: bright red, bright yellow and bright pink. Call now. (03) 794-7949. First fifty customers receive a free genuine Lachy fish shirt and matching tie. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ON-LINE GAME NEWS! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey folks..there is a new online game out.. called Global Destruction... Here's a sample printout.. ___________________________________________________________________________ |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| Welcome to Global Destruction! |o| |o| ------------------------------ |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| Locating your account details.. Yes! You're that dweeb from MELB,VIC.|o| |o| |o| |o| Things that have happened since your last call: |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| SADDAM HUSSEIN (Player 1) invaded KUWAIT with three armies. |o| |o| KUWAIT lost a few thousand peasants. SADDAM HUSSEIN captured |o| |o| OIL RESERVES. In response, GEORGE BUSH (Player 2) sent four |o| |o| armies into SAUDI ARABIA, in fear of losing more OIL RESERVES, |o| |o| and thus running out of OIL to give to his ARMIES. |o| |o| |o| |o| UNITED NATIONS has issued 3 commendations to GEORGE BUSH, |o| |o| for being AMERICAN. |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| It's your move, SADDAM HUSSEIN: |o| |o| |o| |o| Your command? MURDER THE UNHOLY BASTARDS WITH THE WRATH OF ALLAH! |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| Calculating move..... |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| You unleash the power of ALLAH upon the world and start a |o| |o| HOLY WAR. Casualties across MIDDLE EAST, millions die. You |o| |o| gain 5 kilometres of land. |o| |o| |o| |o| You receive 0 commendations, because you're not AMERICAN. |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o| |o|_______________________________________________________________________|o| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Are you working too hard? Is the boss asking you to complete too many things? Are you not getting paid a full days wage for your half day work? Is the stress of a broken coffee machine just too much? How about a career change? Why not become.. a university lecturer. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- $$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$$$$ $$ $$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$ $$ $$$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ of the $$$$ $$$ $$$ CC $$$ CCCCCC CCCCC CC CC CCCCCC CC CC CCCCCC CC CC $$ $$$ CC CC CC CCCC CC CC CC CC CC CC CC CC $$$$$$$ CC CCCC CC CCCC CC CCC CC CC CCCCCC CCCC $$$ CC CC CC CC CCC CC CC CC CC CC CC $$$ CCCCCC CCCCC CC CC CC CCCCCC CC CC CC $$$ CC FX: Play jingle, flash lights, etc... [ Enter compere, Lachy Maher, dressed in a garish bright shirt and matching fish tie. He runs around the stage a lot, waves arms, and acts like a real idiot. ] LACHY: Hi folks! AUDIENCE: Hi Lachy! [ Audience cheers...] [ Lachy stops, smiles like a used-car salesman, and then positions himself behind the compere's desk. ] LACHY: Hey, a funny thing happened on the way to the studio tonight! I was walking across the studio carpark when this flying saucer landed and out hopped all these 3 feet tall aliens, and they said to me ... "take me to your ladder !" [audience cheers and claps loudly] And now, introducing the lovely.... Mr. Jordan! [ Enter Mr. Jordan, dressed in a strapless evening gown..] LACHY: Why, you're looking lovely as usual tonight, Mr. Jordan. JORDY: Why thankyou Tony.. err i mean Lachy. Did you know, a funny thing happened on the way here tonight.. LACHY: What was that, Jordy ? JORDY: I was walking across the studio carpark, and there was a flying saucer there, and all these short green aliens started asking me if I knew where they could buy sunglasses ! [audience cheers and claps loudly] LACHY: Hey, why don't you introduce our guests tonite, Jordy? JORDY: Sure thing Lachy. Our carry-over champion tonite is Inki. She's a mother of four, a sysop and convicted bibliophile. [Audience cheers..] JORDY: Our second contestant tonite is a man who likes to spend his time writing programs for his Amiga 500, growing beards and pretending to be an intellectual. Say hi to Daaaaave Seikel! [ Audience cheers..] Our final contestant is the founder of the Mr.Jordan fan club, a DragNet representative and part time sysop. It's Handyman! [ Audience boos, hisses..] LACHY: Buzzers ready.. here we go.. Ok, what is the capital of Victoria? FX: Bzzzz! DAVE: Melbourne? FX: Bzzzz! INKI: Perth? FX: Bzzzz! HANDY: Darwin? LACHY: All wrong! Its actually about three dollars fifty. Next question... Who am I? FX: Bzzzz! DAVE: Lachy Maher. LACHY: Correct. Where do you find virgin wool? FX: Bzzzz! DAVE: On ugly sheep? FX: Bzzzz! INKI: Anywhere but New Zealand? LACHY: Hmm.. I think I'll skip that one. Ok, now for the bonus points, Which is the best BBS software ? FX: Bzzzz! INKI: SuperBBS! FX: Bzzzz! HANDY: RemoteAccess! FX: BRRRRRINGGGGGGGGG! LACHY: Oh, dear, that's the bell for the end of the round, and we're right out of time, I guess we'll just have to wait till next time to find out the answer to that one ... say Good Night, Jordy ! JORDY: Good Night Jordy ! FX: [lights dim until only the silhouettes of host, hostess and contestants can be seen. The contestants are obviously arguing about the answer to the last question. Music plays as screen fades to black.] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- BARBIE DOLLS ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Handyman's view! I loathe Barbie and her simpering ways. I also know that there will never be a real-life Barbie, for who would buy her? Can you imagine young girls adoring and adorning anorexic Barbie, the doll that comes with a complete set of out-sized clothes and detachable hair? Or could you see a rush on obese Barbie, the doll that couldn't fit into her own doll's house? Or how about working-mum Barbie, the doll that comes with a special support to prop her at the sink at the end of the day? And who would buy feminist Barbie, the doll that not only paints her own town-house, and fixes her own dream car, but also, at the press of a button, propositions Ken? As I look at the future of the Barbie doll, my only hope is that somehow, peaches 'n' cream Barbie ends up in the same box as Skeletor (the evil lord of destruction) - and that he rips her bloody arms off. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- In The Quest For Truth ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nothing is certain Nothing is done Nothing is over When you think you've won Everything changes Everything moves Whoever remembers Yesterdays news? Life philosophies change With each clock chime Believing in something Not entirely devine A constant idea Warms and secures One day it will blow away And return will your fears Arrogant you stand Believing in right Little do you know How pitiful your plight ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was scrounging around the RAT archives a few days ago, and lo-and-behold look what I found! Over the years some of our editors have been collecting newspaper articles about members of the society! And what revelations! (Unfortunately, these articles were stored on top of the heater near the air moisteriser and have deteriorated slightly... ) +-------------------------------+ | {__ | Aphelia Bottom Confesses.. | | | | I SLEPT WITH A NINJA TURTLE! | | | _____________________________________ | "Yes, its true", she confessed, | I I | openly sobbing infront of RAT | I POLICE CRACKDOWN ON PAEDOPHILES I | news reporters."But it was hot!"| I Inka Princess arrested! I | "I never thought Turtles would_{ I I | have such large _/-----------' I News just at hand has revealled I | "Even his ____{' I Police raided a house in Doveton I | lasted _/` I earlier today, and arrested I | +-----/ I a known paedophile. As well, the I |_/ +------------------------I Police confiscated $1000 in I | I computer equipment, believed I | Masked Avenger and FeaI to be used by paedophiles to I | I make contacts. Inspector Image I | Secret Love Affair!I was on the scene when reporters I | I_=_-=---=__+_=___+==__==-___--++_--I +-------------------------------+in bed with | | RAT 150 HITS TOP OF |photographs of | | BEST SELLER LIST |holding his nude | | ---------------- |together in bath | +--------------------{ | |naked. The secret | | GIRL, 19, COMMITS_{ | The 150th edition of the |shared. "I lov_____{ | SUICIDE _{ | RAT philes has been selling |and will neve{ | { | like hot-cakes in Europe and |nd." ___{ | Shocking news{ | the USA, as well as Australia|age 2____{ | heartbroken m{ | From humble beginnings as an |____{ | Many boyfrie{ | electronic hobby-writers mag-| | said Matthe{ | azine, distributed on a few | | Serious.__{ | local Bulletin Boards, the | | Yarra__{ | phenomenon that is the rat | | Suc_{ | philes has gone on to take | | X{ | world by storm. | |_{ +-------------------------------+ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- z z z zz z z z ___ ________________________________z ___________.+===-+.____________ O\\]] ] ] ] ] ] ] D/ \_..._____ ..... _____.. || `~~~~========== ~~~~~~~==== ~`~~|_|~~~|.....\. / |== z \ .. .\. / _ / ' zz zz \ ____\. / // zz |: -----\__|_./_________ z /.~......o ........./\ z ):: .. ... . ./__' z z `\\. oooo ___' ~_____----""~ z zz z z PROLOGUE: After capture during his attempt to hi-jack the EgoPrise, Doctor McCoy (played by Doc) faced the supreme Federation Of Planets court, where he was tried and found guilty on all counts of wilfully rigging the story-line for his own endeavours. He was sentenced to thirteen years on the Prison-Planet BetelSoup IV, were it was hoped he may reform so one day he may return to his position as doctor on the U.S.S.Egoprise. Although a lot of attention was paid to the trial of Doctor McCoy, (and yes, it was very trying..) this was not the only trouble that StarFleet Command was left to sort out. The two Space Pirates, (Super Boy & Handyman) together with the corrupted Mr.Jordan (Mr.Jordan), had eluded StarFleet Security and still roamed the galaxy as outlawed programmers. And so our story continues... ---------------------- Somewhere deep within the vastness of inter-stellar space, a rust-pitted space-DeLoreon was sneaking up behind a cruising shuttle. So sneaky was this move, in fact, that only one sort of low-down space-garbage scum would ever attempt it. Yes. We're talking contract-programming space pirates. "Keep to da left!", cried Superboy, the evil space-pirate, as he slid further back into his pilot seat, chewing on a lollipop and re-adjusting his glasses. Handyman fidgeted nervously, and sat upright at the controls. Into the room walked a gorgeous young woman (aka Mr.Jordan). She was dressed in a pretty pink space-suit, the sort of outfit you'd expect out of a family space pseudo-sci-fi series they fill in the hours between kiddies television and the news on weekends, designed to show the femininity of the wearer, and so increase the viewing audience to include more 'scientifically interested' adult males. "You shouldn't pick on him like that!", she said, pushing the short Super Boy back into his seat. Her attention switched to the nervous pilot. "Here, I brought you some more lollipops." Super Boy sat upright. Between sucks, he asked, "Where do you get these things? They're delicious.." "Oh, ", replied the girl, blushing. "These men who call themselves 'bbs users' keep sending them through the mail. I haven't got the heart to refuse all of them.". She held up a rather large red one. "I got this really big one from an Inter-planetary Yellow-taxi driver!" A light on the controls began to flash. "Holy disk-crash!", cried Handyman. "A Federation Starship has just entered this sector!". Super Boy stayed cool. "Relax, man. How would they know what we're up to? We're just a bunch of lowly out-of-work COBOL programmers cruising this sector for a summer vacation. What's wrong with that?" "This is a highly restricted security zone sector.", argued Handyman. "We're carrying a thermo-nuclear device. We're also outlawed space-pirates, our faces have been plastered on every Federation bulletin-board this side of The Black Hole. It's winter. And we couldn't program in COBOL if our lives depended on it." "Hey, why spoil a good story with a few basic facts !?" The onboard computer interrupted the philosophical discussion with its distinctly feminine articulate voice. "The shuttle you have been following is now fully in the tractor beam, and you may now board this craft. Have a nice day." ------------------- Meanwhile, not far away, the U.S.S.Egoprise was orbiting a rather dull red planet called BetelSoup IV. Sulu (played by Yuen Ho), a StarFleet programmer extraordinaire, was busily monitoring radio freqeuncies. He beamed emphatically, in the knowledge his name had been recently added to the honours board of the StarFleet Academy, for his bravery on Planet Reknaw in the last adventure. A light on Sulu's console began to flash. For a moment Sulu ignored it, believing that the light was just flashing in honour of him, but soon his rationality caught up and accelerated past his ego and he reluctantly shifted his eyes to the warning message that had appeared. "Captain, check this out!", he suddenly cried. Kirk (Rob Judd) came rushing to Sulu's side. "Quick, get a scan on that!", ordered Kirk. "Nurse, nurse! Where is that damn nurse..?" A sweet, gay voice sounded from the turbo lift. "Here I am, Capt'n dearest! Are you ready to play Doctor's & Nurses? But remember, I'm the Doctor now!" Nurse Chappel (Inka Princess) entered the Bridge. Kirk resisted. "Prepare yourself for a mission. Sulu has reported a break-out down on the prison planet BetelSoup IV, and if we want to keep our contract with the MGM studios, we'd better get ourselves involved." Uhura (Amy Morris) lit up. "Another mission?", she queried, peering up from a pile of medical manuals, dictonaries and other intellectual publications. "Can I come this time?" The Captain could hardly say no to the sweet face. "Yeah, I guess so.", he answered. Then, glancing down at Uhura's feet, corrected himself. "But not while you're wearing those bunny slippers!". "Chekov, take the helm." he ordered, regaining control. "Sulu, I'll want you too. And Spock.. has anybody seen Spock recently?" "Eer...", stammered Chekov (Maelstrom), "I think he was working on that damn adventure he discovered in that radio transmission we received a few days ago. You know.. the one where you have to dodge the guards and escape out of the prison complex.." ------------------- Kirk found Spock (played by Gordon Walker) in his quarters, hunched over a glowing computer terminal. "Waddchadoin?", asked Kirk, always intrigued by what Spock was doing. This was because, inevitably, whatever Spock was doing was vitally important to the story. Otherwise Spock wouldn't be doing it. Kirk pondered for a moment about this logic, and the words 'bloody Vulcans' seemed to float around inside his head for a brief moment. "I'm playing an adventure game, Captain.", came the monotone reply. Kirk was impressed. "And you do this to analyse the command interpreter flux and its effect on the multi-IO interfaced logic vector parser right?" "Exactly, Captain. And as a result I have solved the adventure." "Oh", responded Kirk. "What happens then?" "You escape from the prison in a shuttle, and fly away." "Sounds great fun", said Kirk, as he pondered the other hundred and one mindless things Spock had achieved in the name of science. "Well I hate to break up this party, but we've got another story brewing. A guy has just broken out of the prison on planet BetelSoup IV and we're gonna catch him." ------------------- "We really shouldn't be doing this.", stammered Handyman, as the three pirates stepped into the hull of the captured shuttle. "Hey, chill out man... ", replied Superboy, as he attacked a security door with a sonic crowbar. "We're pirates remember. We do these sort of things." "Anyway", added Mr Jordan, "we'll never gain Ultimate Dominance unless we go through with this." "Uh.. I guess so.. ", mumbled the submissive Handyman. ------------------- Ultimate Dominance, readers are reminded, is the concept of complete and utter power over everything in existence. Once obtained, every particle in the universe is placed under your control, nothing may touch you, everything exists only for the benefit of you. In essence, nifty way to spend a summer holiday. The concept of Ultimate Dominance was considered by the Gods as so hugely mega powerful that they declared that no mortal must obtain it. The knowledge of how one may achieve Ultimate Dominance was to remain forever with the Gods. But a young rebel God, called Elkor Cornelius, thought it would be funny if he released the knowledge upon the world. And so he descended from the heavens, and wrote the knowledge onto a tablet, then hid it somewhere on the surface of a largely insignficant blue-green planet in the Milky Way Galaxy. He declared that anyone desperate enough to search out and find the tablets deserved the knowledge. Many of the great plunderers of history have sought to possess the tablet, and interpret its writings. First there was Rameses II, the great Pharoah of Egypt. However, the Egyptians could not read the tablet, and buried it in a tomb, declaring it 'as confusing as hieroglyphics'. A savage conqueror from Alpha Centauri, Moses, was the next mortal to possess the tablets. However, on the voyage back to his space-ship in Palestine, some religious fanatics stole the ark that contained it and took off into the desert leaving Moses with little more than some sour bread and a recipe to make more. And so the great megalomaniacs of history have searched for the tablet. Alexander The Great, Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Adolf Hitler, and Zero Hour. But alas they never found the tablet, and most died as mere conquerors of a rather insignificant blue-green planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, and not much else. Still the knowledge of Ultimate Dominance remains only to the Gods. The tablet remains undiscovered. Many now believed Elkor never did created the tablet, after all, would you believe a DragNet user? ------------------- "But how is raiding this shuttle going to help us achieve Ultimate Dominance?", persisted Handyman. "Because, Erk-brain, we must first obtain the sacred tablets of Elkor.", taunted SuperBoy. "Sheesh, didn't you learn anything in cyber-school?" "I'm sorry", sobbed Handyman, "but I was so busy calling up bulletin-boards to convince the SysOps to join DragNet I failed Year 11 and dropped out." "Well", continued Supes, "there is a legend that the sacred tablets of Elkor were in fact the same sacred tablets held in The Temple Of Doccism in Jerusalem, on that insigificant little blue-green planet in the Milky-way Galaxy. And so, by kidnapping the head guru of the Doccism religion, the right dishonourable Doctor McCoy, and extracting his brain and retrieving his knowledge, we shall, without fail, attain the knowledge held on the sacred tablets of Elkor!" "B-bb-but how is raiding this space-shuttle going to help us?", babbled the mightily confused Handyman. "Because, you insigificant downloading Cafe-user, Doctor McCoy is in fact aboard this ship!" At last the shuttle door gave way in a display of smoke and sparks, and the three space-pirates carefully stepped into a deserted silver corridor.. ------------------- Beaming down onto a planet was something Captain Kirk enjoyed most of all out of all the things he got to do as Captain of the U.S.S.Egoprise. It was a really kinky feeling, having each and every molecule in your body zapped, forced into energy, shot over zillions of metres, and reformed into molecules again within a few brief seconds. Together with Lt. Uhura, Nurse Chapel, Spock, Sulu and Chekov, Kirk lead the team across a sandy desert towards a silver city on the horizon. But Sandy didn't like being stood on, so they walked on the gravel instead. As they passed through the city gate, noticeably wide open, Spock took particular interest in a rather odd multi-coloured letter box standing not far from the gate. Inside the city walls, the team were astounded to find the prison-city, (well, this was a prison-planet..) more of a leisure centre than a place to soften hard criminals. There were swimming pools, tennis courts, lots of bikini clad women and Chippendales, cocktail bars, restaurants, even MacDonalds. Paradise, it seemed. "Greetings, welcome to Betelsoup IV, the prison-planet with a difference!", said a tall red-haired man wearing a psychedelic shirt. (Lachy Maher of course) "You're the man in-charge of this prison, I presume?", questioned Kirk. "Why, sure I am. Here, come and rest by the pool with me. Bring your friends, they look like they need a drink too." Kirk paused for a moment. His mother warned him about people like this. But the drink sounded better. As they moved towards the pool, they passed a young couple engaged in earnest conversation. It was Ivan, chatting up yet another nubile, young female. "You see, I used to be a hacker, I carded, phreaked, and all that .." he was explaining as they walked past. "I see," the girl replied, "So you've been sent here as a punishment for hacking crimes ?" "No, for bullshitting about it afterwards .... " ------------------- In the shade of a large umbrella by the pool, Kirk leaned back in his chair and sipped a brightly-coloured cocktail, and asked "By the way, we actually came here to respond to your distress signal." Kirk added, "It appears you have an escaped prisoner." "Impossible!", proclaimed the Yarra Valleyian. "Nobody escapes from this Prison Planet!" "But", stammered Nurse Chappel, "the front gates were left wide open. A prisoner could just walk right out." Lachy was undeterred. "Ah! But we don't need to shut the gates. Because our prisoners don't WANT to leave. We offer them spas, saunas, bikini-clad women, give them a real resort to live in, and so they won't resort to escaping. This place IS an escape! In fact, I'd place my life on the fact that no prisoner would wish not to be imprisoned here. Why, the whole reason we have guards is to prevent them getting back in once their sentences are served !" "But", argued Nurse Chappel "doesn't that .. sort of.. defeat the purpose of having prisons? Like, their supposed to stop people committing crimes.. not encourage more!" Kirk butted in, before logic could ruin the storyline, "Hang on.. wasn't this where that evil Doctor McCoy was being held? Yes - I remember. He was sentenced here. A complete one, with adjectives, nouns, predicates and even an adverb. Hmmm.. I wonder how he is coping." A tinge of redness seemed to creep across Lachy's face. "D-d-d-doctor Mc-c-Coy did y-you s-s-say?" "Why", responded Kirk, "is there anything wrong with my former friend and employee?" "He is kept over there...", stammered Lachy, pointing to a large concrete bunker not far away. "He.. he doesn't seem to be affected by all this, and we had to lock him up properly. It seems there is something outside these walls more important than pools, spas, cocktails and bikini-clad women." "I find that hard to believe..", commented Sulu, as his gaze followed a nice tempting figure walking past. "Hmm... I think I've been spending too much time with my computer.. " Suddenly a little boy came running up to Lachy. "Sir! Sir!", blabbed Black Wizard, "Doctor McCoy has escaped!" "WHAT!?", cried Lachy, breaking out into a bright red. "How did he get off the planet?" "In a stolen space-shuttle.", replied the boy. "To the EgoPrise!", commanded Kirk. "Scotty, beam us up !" ------------------- Doc was happy for once. That deviant plan to write an adventure game about the prison, and send it off in a radio tranmission, was brilliant. And to his luck, some poor sod had received the transmission, and played the adventure, and solved it for him.. So he followed the solution, and escaped in a space-shuttle. And so now he was free. Free once more! Now he could resurrect his mastermind plan for world domination.. However, the pyrotechnic destruction of the rear panel of the shuttle cockpit was not something Doc had included in his calculations. Nor was the concept of being held kidnapped by three teenage space pirates and carted off into a daggy rusted space-Dolorean. In fact, the whole idea of being tied down onto a bench and electrodes placed on his skull, in an effort to extract the knowledge in his brain, was something entirely contrary to his plans. ------------------- Not far away in interstellar space, (well, in interstellar space distances at any rate), a StarFleet vessel was cruising the hyper-space-way. On board, commanders Brigitte and Matty Lambert were having a quiet philosophical discussion. "Oh, I'm sure out there, in that big inter-stellar space, there is somebody who believes in true love..", sighed Brigitte as she gazed out the cockpit window. "Ha!", laughed the cynical Matty. "True love!? - You have to be joking! You've as much chance of finding that as the Cafe has of getting new menus !" "But..", continued Brigitte in her red teddy-bear StarFleet uniform, "don't you reckon that someone, somewhere out there, has a heart of gold - and a body to match - who will devote their lives to another human being, sharing and joining their lives, forever faithful, forever trusting.. and every day you can wake up, feeling great in the knowledge that there is somebody in this world who will be there when you need them, always ready to drop things just to say 'hi'.. someone you can say anything to and they won't use it against you.. someone who becomes part of you, but still far enough away to retain your individuality.. someone you can trust the world with.. someone you can depend on.." Brigitte paused for a moment. "I see your point.", she finally conceded. "Oops !" said Matty, blushing. He turned away and adjusted his uniform before continuing... "Look!", he cried in newfound excitement, "Up there! It's a space-pirate Dolorean raiding a shuttle.." "Let's stop them!", added Brigitte, as she pushed down hard on the accelerator. ------------------- Stopping them was something Doc was also hoping for, in increasing demand. Secured firmly onto a bench with straps, several electrodes connected to his skull, combined with comforting words from Mr. Jordan about "high voltages" did not build a particularly desirable picture for him. In fact, right now he wished he was back on BetelSoup IV in that concrete bunker, designing new shirt patterns for Lachy with a mandelbrot generator. As Super Boy and Handyman surveyed Jordan's handywork, she worked a computer on the side wall. "Increasing Phase I power now..", she echoed. Doc's torso jolted. "OUCH!" he cried. "Hmm.." said Super Boy. "Interesting reaction." Handyman butted in. "What's the readin', Jordy?" Mr.Jordan surveyed the computer screen. "We just touched his outer conscious neural circuits. Adventure game writing methods. Bulletin board numbers. Unix super-user account passwords.. Just garbage." "Try some more voltage.", suggested Super Boy. "Nooo!!!!" cried Doc. Doc's torso jolted again. "OUUUCCH!!", he cried, in undeniably excruciating pain. "How could you do this to me??", Doc wailed. "Supes... my friend.. pal.. after all the bulletin board programs I wrote for you.. after I lent you all my Peter Juliff programming books.. why.. I even taught you how to program in Pascal.." Super Boy turned to Jordan. "What does the scanner show now?" "Oh.. not much better..", she sighed. "We pierced his minor subconciousness neural matrix this time.. Just useless stuff on how to write IO units in Turbo C. Hey, there's even a guide to running bulletin boards here... OH, it just says "don't". Strange." Doc wailed some more. "Handy.. you great stud.. remember the good old days.. you-know.. when dragnet had real users leaving mail.. and interstate mail actually got through.. " And some more. "Jordy.. my sweet love.. apple of mine eye.. how could you.. argggh.. I've been used again!" "More voltage coming up!", suggested Jordan. "There! Maximum voltage!" Doc was now experiencing pain. [Good ! -Ed] And I mean PAIN. In fact, the pain he experienced was ranked amongst the top ten experiences of pain in the history of deviant sexual activity. More painful than when The Masked Avenger discovered he was actually Taxi Cab's alter ego. More excruciating than when Inka Princess saw Decadence go offline for more than an hour. More terrible than the moment Zero Hour realised he wasn't in fact God. [He's realised ? -Ed] And boy did it feel bad. Super Boy cackled. "Har har.. soon I shall have the knowledge.. and the power.." "Hey, ", said the startled Handyman, "I thought this was 50/50!" Jordan jumped up in alarm. "WHAT!? You double-crossing Cafe-holics! What about ME!?" "Aaaaaaaarrrrrgghhhhhh", cried Doc. ------------------- Although the secret to Ultimate Dominance was etched into a stone tablets, no mortal who possessed the tablets had ever been able to interpret them. That was, until the demi-God Doctor McCoy had laid eyes upon the words. However, rather than instantly obtaining pure and utter dominance over everything, which any mortal would have instanteously done, the demi-God started a religion instead. It's called Doccism. Current statistics show that the entire population of Doccism believers totals a big zero, excluding its founder Doctor McCoy. Which says something about university students. Distraught in the knowledge that nobody believed in his ultimate teachings, the demi-God returned to living a mortal existence, got drunk in a sleazy niteclub and woke up a member of StarFleet academy. Which was novel in one sense, because everyone else in that niteclub who was drunk that night ended up laid. Which isn't very novel for niteclubs. ------------------- Hassling Brigitte was what Matty enjoyed most of all of the things he got to do as Commander of his StarFleet vessel. And right now he was doing just that. What a horrible little arrogant chauvanistic bastard. Then again, he did go to Yarra Valley. "Can't you drive properly!?", he whined. "Bloody women drivers!" Brigitte had had just enough. She let go of the controls, ripped off her StarFleet badge, stood up, and promptly said, "I quit." "I'll never find true love working for a little arrogant chauvanistic bastard StarFleet commander like you.. I'm off. And I'm leaving too.." And she did. Moments later the ship echoed with a shudder as a space-pod shot out of the docking bay in a fury of gaseous exhaust. Matty paused, then glanced at the vacant controls, then up at the screen displaying the void of interstellar space. He glanced back at the controls. There were a lot of buttons, knobs, dials, and flashing things. In fact, there were far too bloody many buttons, knobs, dials and flashing things, more than Matty liked. Sighing deeply, Matty contemplated the years spent at StarFleet academy, the long and arduous hours of studying flight navigation, or at least, in Matty's situation, the long and arduous hours he spent contemplating studying flight navigation. It had all been alright since then, Brigitte was always there to navigate the ship. Slowly it dawned on Matty, that actually he didn't have a flaming clue how to navigate this ship. And so, with sincere concern, Matty watched as his space-vessel plummeted through space, towards a rather dull reddish planet that slowly increased in size on the scanner. He screamed in terror and passed out. ------------------- Matty smelt suncream. Matty heard laughter, glasses clinking together, water splashing. Matty opened his eyes. He screamed, and shut them instantly. Ever so cautiously, Matty raised his left eyelid a fraction. Then some more. The other eye followed suit. "Sorry if I startled you.", said Lachy, as he put on a cardigan over his psychadelic shirt. The whole area around him went a little darker. "Where am I?", whined Matty, rubbing his eyes. He sniffed again, and caught a whiff of burning petrol. He turned, and not far away lay the burning wreckage of his beloved StarFleet vessel. "Planet Betelsoup IV, the prison with a difference!" exclaimed Lachy, glad to find someone he could say that to again. Matty reflected, there was something he was supposed to be doing. "Brigitte...", he remembered. "I've got to find her! If I don't.. and mummy finds out, I'll be in real trouble!" ------------------- "Admiral Plato, requesting to board ship.", echoed the speaker on the wall of the bridge, aboard the U.S.S. Egoprise. "Permission granted.", replied Uhura into her microphone. A nearby turbo lift shuddered, and opened to the sound of air compression. "Great!", said the Admiral, as he strode onto the bridge. "Finally I'm going to get more than three lines in the story!" "Sorry sir", said Uhura, "but the Captain and the crew are not here. Doc's stolen shuttle has been captured, and they've all left to join the boarding party. And after the festivities they'll join the team entering the craft and arrest Doc. They won't be back for at least another three pages." "Shit!" ------------------- On through interstellar space the Dolorean rocketed. Jordy was at the controls. Glancing briefly behind her, she checked on her three prisoners, Handyman, Super Boy and Doc, as they squirmed and protested against the knots that held them tied to the back-wall. A servo-bot sat obediently at their feet, phasor trained on them, waiting patiently for any one of them to make a threatening move. "What are you going to do with us?", questioned Handy. "Wait and see!", she cried, in the high pitched tone of a maniac possessed. She slipped a Julian Lennon CD into a slot on the control deck, and tortured the three prisoners some more. "Nooo! Nooo!", they cried. "Anything but Julian Lennon!" "O.K.!", agreed Jordy. She popped out the Lennon album, and swapped it for Bros's Greatest Hits. "Noooooooooooooooo!", the three cried. "Julian Lennon! Julian Lennon!" Slowly the Dolorean approached an insignificant blue-green planet. "Why, that's Earth!", exclaimed Doc. "What's so great about that little lump of dirt?", queried Supes. "Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.", offered Doc. Jordy cackled to her self, and rubbed her hands together. Soon she would be landing there, and entering the sacred temple of Doccism. With the help of the three bumbling buffoons, she would be obtaining the tablets that held the secret to Ultimate Dominance. And Doc - she would convince him to interpret the tablets for her, and then... har har har... Ultimate Dominance would be hers! Finally! ------------------- "HE'S GONE!", exclaimed Kirk, Spock, Nurse & Sulu in unison. The four StarFleet personnel stood in disbelief, staring at the empty chair that sat infront of the controls of Doc's shuttle. "Da plot thickens...", echoed Sulu. "Search this joint..", ordered Kirk. "I want clues." The four began a systematic search of the cockpit. "Hey what's this!", exclaimed Nurse Chapel. She held up a small white fragment. "It looks like plaster!" "Hmm..", contributed Kirk, "do you know what I'm thinking?" Nurse Chapel slapped Kirk. "Nooo, mean I think I know who did this!", exclaimed Kirk, rubbing a swelling eye. "WHO?", the three crew members cried. "Mr Jordan, the arch evil space pirate! And I bet I know what she's doing, kidnapping Doc! Quick - Back to the EgoPrise! We must stop her!" ------------------- The wind howled in Palestine, thrashing sand particles back and forth across the desert plains. And on through the sandstorm trudged four figures. Nobody in their right mind would trudge through a Palestinian sandstorm. That is, unless, they had a very good reason to do so. Ultimate Dominance, it would seem, was a very good reason. Soon the four figures had reached their destination. And it was huge. Massive. Extraordinarily enourmous. Big, even. A set of stone pillars rose out of the sandstorm, like a cliff beside the sea, dwarfing the four figures as they stood back in awe. "My temple..", announced Doc, as he showed the way for the others to enter. Footsteps echoed as the four clamboured down some mighty steps into the athaneum. It was an impressive temple, with mighty pillars, a towering roof so high one could barely work out the drawings etched there. In the middle sat a dais, with some old crumbling tablets on display. Mr Jordan rushed to the dais. "The sacred tablets of Elkor!", she exclaimed, in delight. "Intepret them, Doc!", she ordered. Doc wavered. "I can't.", he mumbled. "Do it. Or I'll shoot these sysops here.", she replied, pointing her phasor menacingly at the two helpless space pirates. "Interpret them! Interpret them!", Superboy and Handyman cried, anxiously. "B...b..but I can't..", persisted Doc, "if I did... it would mean..." "It would mean I would obtain Ultimate Dominance! Yes! Yes!", cried MJ. "Oh well..", sighed Doc. He cleared his throat. "To obtain Ultimate Dominance, one must first.." Suddenly... "PARTY'S OVER DUDES!", cried a voice from behind. Out from behind a pillar jumped Sulu, brandishing a pair of sais. Nurse Chapel, Kirk and Mr Spock emerged from behind some adjacent pillars, also brandishing ninja weapons. "Oh no!", cried Superboy. "StarFleet!" "Pah!", cried Mr Jordan, "they can't stop us now!". "Doc - read on!" Doc continued... "One must first obtain a .." "Cut it right there, Doccie !!", cried Kirk. Mr Jordan shot a phasor bolt towards Kirk. He quickly held up a ninja sword and deflect the bolt sideways. "How did you do that???", gasped Mr Jordan. "Haha!", laughed Kirk. "I'm not just a captain of a U.S.S. Starship! I'm also... tadadada... a ninja turtle in disguise!". Kirk then proceeded to rip off his StarFleet uniform, and removed a mask from his face. He now was a lean, green ninja turtle! Michaelangelo Kirk looked sideways to Sulu. Sulu quickly undressed likewise, ripped his plastic mask off, and revealed himself as Raphael Sulu! Then Nurse Chappel followed... Nurse Donatello! And beside her, now stood Leonardo Spock! "Teenage Mutant Ninja Star-Trek Turtles!", screamed Handyman, and he reached for a piece of wood to defend himself. Mr Jordan set her phasor on full, and Super Boy grabbed a stone tablet for defence. "Sick'em!", cried Michaelangelo Kirk, as he charged at Mr Jordan. "Kowabungles!", cried Nurse Donatello, thrashing away at Superboy. "Turt'l power!", yelled Raphael Sulu, and he lept towards Handyman. "Pizza prowess!", screamed Leonardo Spock, as he chased after Doc. A violent fight proceeded, atypical of a cute, friendly, charming, peaceful kiddies cartoon. While dodging Kirk's flashing numchukas, Mr Jordan had an idea. "You're only cartoon characters!", she exclaimed, and proceeded to pull out a large eraser from her pocket. "Take that!", she cried, as she lunged back at Michaelangelo Kirk, rubbing furiously. "Aurrghh!", cried Michaelangelo Kirk, as his numchuk was erased back to a pair of toothpicks. "Yelp!", he cried, as Mr Jordan started erasing his left leg. The other pirates got the picture, pulled out their own erasers, and started attacking Nurse Donatello, Raphael Sulu and Leonardo Spock. "Eek!, you've erased my left hand!", cried Raphael Sulu. "Irk!", screeched Nurse Donatello, "that was my chest you just rubbed out!" "Keep rubbing!", cried Mr Jordan to the other pirates. "We'll beat 'em!" While losing her right arm, Nurse Donatello had an inspiration. With her remaining left arm she delved into her pocket, and pulled out a pencil. She then madly attempted to draw back her right arm. "Quick, lend me your pencil!", cried Michaelangelo Kirk to Nurse Donatello, as he writhed on the floor, now a mere shoulder and head. Nurse Donatello quickly sketched in her chest, paused, made a few enlargements, then leaped to save Michaelangelo Kirk. "That's cheating!", protested Mr Jordan, "They weren't that big before!" "Let's split!", suggested Super Boy to Handyman, and the two pirates erased a section of the wall and jumped through. "Wait for me!", cried Mr Jordan, as she leaped through the hole. She then erased a little more around the ceiling, and the roof collapsed blocking the passage. "Cold pizza!", exclaimed Raphael Sulu, as he finished of drawing back his left foot. The four green turtles admitted defeat, hung their turtle heads and walked slowly back to the badly parked U.S.S.EgoPrise outside. All that was left was Doc, alone in his ruined temple. He knelt down, and slowly began to pick up pieces of rubble and made a pile. Sniffing a little, he held up a large piece of broken tablet, and paused at the inscription. "Nahhh..", he concluded, and tossed the broken tablet onto a pile of rubble. -=* END OF EPISODE III *=- ---------------------- What will be the Space Pirate's next plan? Will Brigitte ever find true love? Will Matty ever find Brigitte before Mummy finds out? Will the secret of Ultimate Dominance ever be revealed? Will this story ever be funny? What will StarFleet do now that they know the true identity of the EgoPrise crew? What are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles doing in a Star Trek episode anyway? Who cares? find out in RAT 10's ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- S t i r T r e k I V : T h e S e a r c h f o r B r i g i t t e ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The RatPhile Quotable Quote File -------------------------------- I know, I know, we said we weren't going to be putting quotes into this edition, but some things you just gotta quote ! /***/ INKA PRINCESS - "What type are you?" GENERAL DISCOMFORT - "Tasty!" /***/ RAFF - Yeah I don't get that much now...I used to get too much now I can't get enough.... /***/ MR. JORDAN - yeah and he wouldn't even give me higher access no matter how hard i sucked ... [ The mind boggles -Ed] /***/ GENERAL DISCOMFORT - Just because I want to rule the world doesn't mean I am a megalomaniac. BEN RICHARDS - RiMix All!! THE NARC - You cant judge a girl just by her personality! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Years ago, in an ancient edition of RAT magazine, we featured an article describing "50 ways to be a bastard sysop". Well finally user's can have their revenge, for here is... 15 WAYS TO ANNOY A SYSOP (or in other words... how to get your access cut in 15 easy steps) 1. Upload the same file more than once. Make sure its a really large and useless, something like the entire Opus v1.00 package. 2. Page the sysop, chat for a while, then say you're off to call another board and promptly hangup before they've even closed the chat window. 3. Apply to sigop a file or message area, then never call back! 4. If you're a point, include ANSI screen control codes in your origin line and stuff up their screen positioning. It looks like a bug in the software! 5. Post phone numbers to boards that are offline in the "new boards" registry. For added fun, post online boards but give the wrong baud rates. Then people might be calling boards at 300 baud when they could be calling at 9600! Also, isn't it just so infuriating when you can hear a carrier but the modem doesn't connect! This also worries the shit out of the sysop, who thinks their modem is hanging up on people prematurely! 6. If the sysop is running QuickBBS or RemoteAccess, and has an option to leave a message to the next caller, try inserting control codes into the message. Often the actual message is being displayed as a standard text file, and so you can include control characters like displaying the next user's password, shell to DOS, or log them off! 7. Enter the same message in a network from several different boards. It looks like the network mailer is stuffed! Also, complain to the sysop that some of your mail seems to be missing, and that you posted it on another board in the network over a week ago! 8. If you're a guy, use a female psuedonym, and vica-versa. This is really fun when the sysop is desperate and dateless! Bound to give you more access. 9. If you're going to post a really offensive message, or one that you think the sysop will delete, then post it in an echomail area at about 3am. Mail events are usually about an hour later, and so it gets sent throughout the network before the sysop has time to censor it! 10. Ask the sysop for access to the pirate areas in a public message. But don't ever use your regular pseudonym, as this will undoubtedly get your access cut! Sysops are paranoid about this! Especially the ones who don't run pirate areas! 11. Ignore the message area topics. Sysops spend ages trying to get their board to look just how they want it, and go to extremes to get the right mail in the right areas. If the board has lots of science fiction message areas, write about the footy or tell dirty jokes. 12. Sysops love their menus! Complain about them, and they will be changed. Then complain that you can't keep up with all the changes, and you liked the old menus better! 13. The biggest weakness of sysops are their egos! They expect every new user to login, see the board, and love it and call back every day. So keep on logging on under different names - it looks like a lot of callers are not coming back! 14. Every time you logon, make sure the first (and second, third, fourth etc) thing you do is page ... particularly if you have nothing to talk about. This REALLY annoys sysops. 15. Make sure you leave lots of soppy one line messages to your boy/girlfriend in as many message areas as possible. Try to ensure that there are at least as many punctuation marks as actual letters in the message. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Now, one for the SysOps and "wannabe"'s out there) IIIIII FFFFFF II FF II FFFF II FF IIIIII FF by Backyard Ceiling If you can hold carrier when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can upload when all men download, But make allowance for their downloading too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being paged non-stop, users will always page, Or being hated for not giving access, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not let your users wake you up, If you can think - and still not answer SysOp Page, If you can meet with Hard Drive Crashes And still not close down your Board; If you can bear to be hassled for access Twisted by smart-asses who have better computers, Or watch people ruin your good reputation, And stoop and rebuild it with a worn out Keyboard. If you can live without a tradewars editor And still be the best player in tradewars, And lose to make it look like you're not cheating And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can manage not to call the cafe more than twice a day And still keep up with the latest gossip, And not cry when it is all about you Except for the usual bit about Eric Anderson! If you can turn up to BBS meets and still keep your sanity, Or walk with users - and not lose your mind, If neither hackers nor pirates can hurt you, If everyone calls your board, just to make it look busy; If you can fill the unused minute with a game of Leech With sixty seconds for the computer to reset, Yours is the userbase, and everyone in it, Then my son, you shall be a SysOp! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- KIDDIE'S KORNER! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here's a game for all you kiddies to play! Its called... -=*> SPOT THE PIRATE BOARD! <*=- It's a really easy... Hours of online fun too! Just look for these easy signs: 1. There is a distinct correlation between the top callers and the top uploaders and downloaders. 2. There is a distinct correlation between the top callers and other known pirate board top callers. 3. The so called 'file board' has hardly any files in the public domain areas! 4. There is a message on login saying 'this is not a pirate board, do not upload pirate software, it's naughty ' etc 5. You're winning the online games (nobody else is playing). 6. You're not getting any replies to your messages (nobody is reading them). 7. Your echomail is not echoing (nobody bothered to check if network is up). 8. Everybody ignores that great PD file you just uploaded. 9. The sysop does not brag about the number of global wide message count. 10. The sysop is an acne-faced teenage social reject. ------------------- **C O M P E T I T I O N *** C O M P E T I T I O N *** C O M P E T I T I O N** ------------------- The Editors are pleased to announce a fabulous new competition .. it's just so easy !!! Just get your name to the top of as many pirate board downloaders and/or up- loaders lists over the next three months as possible. The Fantastic First Prize is a visit from The Federal Police, and the opportunity to spend several months as a guest of the Australian Goverment, all expenses paid, at one of Australias finest bluestone Colleges. Also included in this prize is the bonus offer of confiscation of all your computer equipment .. make sure YOU enter TODAY !!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- REALLY BORING OFFICIALDOM STUFF.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RAT is an electronic amateur writers' magazine. It is officially unofficiated with anything official, unofficial, or anything unofficially official. RAT is designed to be read as an entertaining collection of amateur writings. The opinions expressed in the file are entirely opinionated and not necessarily the opinions of the authors, editors, or anyone else with an opinion. RAT is produced and distributed electronically through public access remote bulletin board systems. No revenue may be gained from its distribution in any way. No individual may be restricted from accessing RAT. However, the editors reserve the right to refuse to include any submissions. And we're not a bunch of fascists either. Anyone may submit. Since private remote bulletin board systems are notoriously unreliable, the only way to ensure a submission is to post it snail-mail to: Rat Society Publications c/o Stuart Dobbie P.O.Box 297 Burwood 3130 Victoria, Australia. Each new RAT is released when submissions exceed 50 kilobytes, or 50 Kilos, whichever comes first. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Credits and the Golly-gosh-they-put-my-name-in-the-list List. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FOUNDERS................................... Doc Avalon EDITOR..................................... Inka Princess REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS....................... Inka Princess Handyman Doc IRREGULAR CONTRIBUTORS..................... Superboy Mr Jordan OCCASIONAL ARTWORK......................... Zero Hour EVERYBODY ELSE............................. Al Capone Alex Rogan Avalon Avatar Azarak Digris Baby Soda Ben Richards Big Bad John Bigf00t Black Wizard Boyd Adamson Captain Blood Cefiar Dave Seikel Deep Image Defcon One Doc Elliot Ness End Garet Jax General Discomfort Gnomie Gordon Walker Grasshopper Grendel Guru Pete Handyman Hunter Ice Man Icebreaker Infiltrator Inka Princess Ivan Trotsky Jackal Joseph Elkhorne Kik Lachlan Maher Marty Monster Mystery Mr Jordan Negative Energy New Wave Night Stalker & Janine Pennywise Psycho Felix Pyschosonic Cindy Quantum Leap RAD! Radical Accumulator Real Article Rob Judd RummanRazan Snoopy Spector Super Boy The System The Walrus Tikva Tinkerbell Warfish Yak Yabbie Pump Zero Hour And anyone else whose name we've forgotten ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CALL THESE BOARDS! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ because we're the sysops.. VICTORIA For interstate callers, prefix with 03 For international callers, prefix with +61-3 Decadence SBBS 794-7949 1200 & 2400 baud only Nightmare RABBS 560-7386 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud S.I.G. RABBS 830-1584 all speeds to 2400 baud Euphoria RABBS 500-9997 all speeds to 2400 baud Timescape RABBS 561-5217 all speeds to 2400 baud Phase V RABBS 803-6976 all speeds to 9600 (PEP) baud The Cafe TBBS 894-2815 all speeds to 2400 baud The CrossOver RABBS 364-1282 all speeds to 2400 baud Lightning RABBS 399-1030 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud Roaring Rapids RABBS 877-2609 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud The Brick Centre RABBS 761-1468 all speeds to 2400 baud Real World RABBS 596-5050 1200 & 2400 baud Brathstray RABBS 562-1852 all speeds to 2400 baud The Real Connection RABBS 808-0810 all speeds to 2400 baud or 808-0331 300 & 1200 baud Crimewave RABBS 728-4232 all speeds to 2400 baud Zoist!!! 467-7984 all speeds to 9600 (HST) baud WESTERN AUSTRALIA For interstate callers, prefix with 09 For international callers, prefix with +61-9 High Flyer RABBS 448-0880 all speeds to 2400 baud 1990 Multiline TBBS 370-3333 all speeds to 2400 baud QUEENSLAND For interstate callers, prefix with 07 For international callers, prefix with +61-7 Ground Zero RABBS 812-3474 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- This RAT phile was brought to you by the letters R, A and T, and the number 9 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- o I I I I _ ,-.,-. ,-.,-. I `'I II_II___II_II I @ I_I I I \ / ___,-, _\.__ \/ `.____________/ `.__.--.__.--' ---------------------------- ------------------------ The Dead Rat Society Lives ------------------------ ---------------------------- If you've had as much fun reading this phile as we've had writing it ... please, seek professional help, NOW ! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------