***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 41 ####========================================================#### "One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### Yes it's on time. Well more or less. I still have to put a couple finishing touches on this monster, but it should be in the electronic void. It's really amazing how the IGHF and Otis has kept pace with modern technology. First they were on the internet, now they are on the portable computer. Yes! I'm writing this introduction on a portable computer and I happen to be sitting on the beach as I'm doing it in an oh so comfy lawn chair, with the sea washing away in the background and little lizards scampering all over the place as the sun sets. Yes, we've come a long way haven't and in just 41 short issues. Hopefully we'll have 41 more at least. Meanwhile this will once again be sent to you by that VERY SLOW method. I've worked a bit on the mailing programs that send it out slow. Hopefully, this will be a bit less slow that last time. I take it from the lack of complaints or comments that the system must have worked just fine. It's that time again. Purps needs your submission! They've been very slow lately. In fact I managed to use up all I had on this issue. How is Purps supposed to come out in another two weeks without submissions! How will Otis deal with those unfaithful readers who do not submit? Will they have Brow over for tea. Well they incure the curse of the moldy loaf of bread in the refrigerator, that no matter how many times you throw out is back again the next time you open it? Well Pope Geophe and his routine of extremely loud and obnoxious party guests come camp in your living room for the next 1000 years? It's easy enough to find out. Just don't submit anything. Remember Otis takes care of her own. You submit you receive the blessings. You don't and you may find yourself on the next across country flight trapped between a fundamentalist minister and a Jehovah's Witness. Okay enough scaring you. Purps seriously needs your submissions, especially those of a truly Otisian nature. Maybe if purps comes out once every two weeks or so for a while, folks will get back in the swing of things. And maybe we'll even hear from the Pope again. Or the Rev or Stewy or any number of those regular submitters for that matter. In fact where the Hell has Spode been? (Oh most honorable and Great God Spode that is.) This issue has a couple stories including one by the talented Danielle Hammett who will be accepting fan mail at the HailOtis address, another installment (better late than never) of the Messenger of the Gods, the second part of Doc Simpson's translated text, and an Otisian rant from quite a few years ago that was dug up from the archives. This rant of course contains all manner of valuable information for young budding Otisians. Special thanks this issue goes to Matt Greenwood who submitted tons and tons of stuff to Purps. Sad to say most of it was a bit too long, or a bit too old for inclusion. [Some of it I'd seen 5 or 6 years ago.] Also to Danielle Hammett of course for setting a good example for all Otisians by submitting something that actually mentioned Otis and Spode! And of course the ever elusive Doc Simpson. Oh and Samhill and Eiverson just not to leave anyone out. And so on with the show. ####===================================================================#### POSTMODERNISM VS. CARTOONS ####===================================================================#### Subject: RICHH: Postmodernism vs. Cartoons Date: Thu, 09 Jul 92 03:06:22 -0400 From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" >From: richh@netcom.com (richh) Subject: RICHH: CARTOONS VS POSTMODERN FICTION & CRITICISM Date: Wed, 08 Jul 92 20:00:03 GMT CARTOONS VS POSTMODERN FICTION & CRITICISM ------------------------------------------ POSTMODERN FICTION & CARTOONS CRITICISM -------------------- ------------------------------ Leaves one feeling warm Chyeah, right and nostalgic, with a profound sense of satisfaction and well- being. Celebrates play. Likes to think it celebrates play, but actually is more analogous to "explaining the joke away" than anything else. Today's cartoons suck moose. I'll take Coleridge and Trilling over the Yale school any day. Foucault is dead. AIDS. Mel Blanc is dead. Age. Barthes was a big eater. The Tasmanian Devil. POSTMODERN FICTION & CRITICISM CARTOONS ------------------------------ -------------------- "Metafiction," as practiced by I really like when you Borges et al, is fiction that see the hand of the cartoonist calls attention to itself, never holding the drawing pencil, lets the reader forget that it or when the characters step is artifice. outside the film. Derrida will often use a word and It's also cool when you see immediately cross it out to achieve the pencil swoop down and a desired effect, a technique he erase the character. I especially calls "sous rasure", meaning like when this happens to Daffy 'under erasure' Duck, and he becomes nothing but his mouth(!!) None of the works that have been The cartoons I like best, old "deconstructed" have ceased to be Tom and Jerry's, Bugs Bunny, vital works. For example, Derrida Daffy Duck et al, are still deconstructed Freud. Yet Freud's around, and you can usually writings are still out there, still find them during Cartoon sending messages, still contributing Express from 6-7 on USA, or on TNT. to our understanding of the mind, And Nickelodeon, of course. and will y Rubble Much deconstruction is spent "Be vewwwwy quiet." searching for the ever-elusive "trace" Much deconstruction is spent "If he catches you you're through." searching for the ever-elusive "trace" Barthes is my favorite post- "That Road Runner is really a structuralist. crazy clown." There is no universal signifier. My pencil is bigger than yours. Phallocentricism is old news. There are only mis-readings. Shit. The Flintstones are on. ####===================================================================#### AMUSEMENTS ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 19:19 -0500 From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD Subject: Amusements Historic Philosophy Related Deaths Socrates Substance Abuse Plato DeFormation Aristotle Plato Envy Empedocles Bungee Jumping into a Volcano (we're not kidding) Ockham Razor Burn Bacon Wrong Chicken {the one that started this thread} Descartes Stopped Thinking Spinoza Inhaling Glass Shards Nietzsche(sic) Syphillus (sic) Camus Sisyphus Wittgenstein Prostate Cancer Schlick Shot by Student Bill The Cat All of the Above ####===================================================================#### OTISIAN INITIATE RANTINGS ####===================================================================#### [This is an extract from one of the epistles which no doubt can be found in the Popes extensive archives. Hopefully as time goes on more of these illuminating fragments will come to light. Sometimes these fragments can become extremely obscure as the writer discusses archain Otisian Dogma.] Anyways, I couldn't help but notice there is an illustration of a MASONIC CEREMONY labeled "Lee Harvey Oswald, dying, refuses to confess". It's part of the CEREMONY when the initiate (forgive me for lacking some of the specific details) represents the body of A. and they bury him and what not after he was killed. Hmm what did I deserve to become a SECOND LEVEL INITIATE? Or did this documents just sort of slip out to me? I'm honored though. I didn't even know I was A FIRST LEVEL. Then again I suppose WITH A SECRET SOCIETY ONE NEVER KNOWS FOR SURE WHO IS WHO. I see besides learning about Numerology on the second level one also learns about Creiza seeing as you seem to have a BLATANT ERROR in your numerology. Since when did 16 == four to the fourth power? Sixteen == two to the fourth power. OR IS THIS SOME SECRET I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO MESS WITHOUT UNDERSTAND? Have I accidentally stumbled upon some THIRD LEVEL OF INITIATION I should never have thought about? Still these things happen I suppose. Messing around with the Cabal and messing with computers all day gives one an eyeball for mystical figures. I suppose I should be a BLIND FOLLOWER and not question these things right? Or I'll be cast into a DARK PIT. Still maybe further exploration is necessary...let's see. DOBBS== 42. Adam's answer to the universe. IS Dobbs THE ANSWER TO LIFE THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING? Yet again a clue to you being some kind of Frop Head FRONT. [Another of course is that collage you sent me with the half phone receivers that mysteriously look like PIPES.] 4 * 2 == 8 == 2 to the 3rd power 2+ 3==5 Hmm affiliation with the &i&DISCORDIANS. 10 + 6 == 16 == 6 -1 == 5 once again...Hmmmmm curiouser and curiouser. Smiting the o from Bob gives b-b. b ==2 o==15 b ==2 15 == 5 + 5 + 5. In other words. 3 5's and 2 2's 3+ 2== 5. Hmmm Okay enough you get the point I suppose. ELVIS...well what more can be said of the super entity. I see I have been lied to since some time earlier I believe it was mentioned that ELVIS was not a good thing and now here he appears as an avatar of OTIS. o == 15 t==20 i==9 s==19 15 +20+ 9+ 19 == 63 As for the ERISIAN HERESY.....have you ever consider that they needed to build no base to the pyramid because the LAW OF FIVES ITSELF WAS THE BASE? Those Egyptians were SMART COOKIES they knew they needed no base since it was the FIFTH SIDE and it would take care of itself. Hmm there's that Cornelius being again...Oh odd. More myths. So LOTUS is a great money making power. L== 12 o==15 t==20 u==21 s==19 12 +15 +20 +21 +19== 77 Bob DObbs==61 77 - 61 == 16. As one will recall in your example on our second initiate fact sheet 16 was a DOBBS number. Hmm a connection with DOBBS and LOTUS would explain the tremendous money making potential of this deity. As for the GREEK OTUS myth. Have you considered that storming heaven could have been literal?. The ancient OTISIANS were trying to do space travel but failed. They probably found some old THULE TECHNOLOGY lying around somewhere but it was so old it didn't work right. Are the stone FEZZES hollow? What do they contain if they are? As for the reality projector. You explained that one to me some time ago so I doubt we need to go into further details over it. Still it being part of SECOND LEVEL MYSTICAL knowledge means that I might have been SECOND LEVEL for some time now. How odd. Wheels within wheels. ####===================================================================#### MORE DIVERSIONS ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 19:37 -0500 From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD Subject: More Diversions GORY, GORY (a/k/a BLOOD UPON THE RISERS) (Sing to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic") He was just a rookie trooper and he surely shook with fright As he checked all his equipment and made sure his pack was tight; He had to sit and listen to those awful engines roar, "You ain't gonna jump no more!" CHORUS Gory, Gory, what a helluva way to die! Gory, Gory, what a helluva way to die! And he ain't gonna jump no more. II "Is everybody happy?" asked the sergeant, looking up. Our hero feebly answered "Yes," and then they stood him up; He jumped right out into the blast, his static line unhooked, And he ain't gonna jump no more. (CHORUS) III He counted long, he counted loud, he waited for the shock, He felt the wind, he felt the cold, he felt the awful drop; He pulled reserve, the silk spilled out and wrapped around his sock. And he ain't gonna jump no more. (CHORUS) IV The days he'd lived and loved and laughed kept running through his mind, He thought about the girl back home, the one he left behind, He thought about the medics and wondered what they'd find, And he ain't gonna jump no more. (CHORUS) V The ambulance was on the spot, the jeeps were running wild, The medics jumped and howled with glee, rolled up their sleeves and smiled, For it had been a week or more since last a 'chute had failed. And he ain't gonna jump no more. (CHORUS) VI The lines were twisted round his neck, the connectors broke his dome, The risers tied themselves in knots around each skinny bone; The canopy became his shroud as he hurtled to the ground. And he ain't gonna jump no more. (CHORUS) VII He hit the ground, the sound was "splatt," the blood it spurted high. His comrades, they were heard to say: "What a pretty way to die!" He lay there rolling around in the welter of his gore, And he ain't gonna jump no more. (CHORUS) VIII There was blood upon the risers, there was brains upon the 'chute, Intestines were a-dangling from his paratrooper suit; They picked him up still in his 'chute and poured him from his boots. And he ain't gonna jump no more. (CHORUS) IX They operated all night through but it was in despair, For every bone that he possessed was ruined beyond repair; And so he was buried then, his silken 'chute his shroud, And he ain't gonna jump no more. (CHORUS) X They say he went to heaven and arriving there I'm told He got a pair of silver boots and a parachute of gold; He may be very happy there but I'll stick here below, 'Cos he ain't gonna jump no more. ####===================================================================#### SAM SPODE ####===================================================================#### [If you like this story send fan mail. Maybe you can get an answer out of Danielle. Or write if you want more.] SAM SPODE: PRIVATE EYE #112--The Hand That Rocks the Cradle by danielle hammett "Sam, some dame's here ta see youse," snapped Laverne, my secretary, through her mint flavored gum. "Well, what does she want? I don't feel like female company," I groused. It was my first day back in the office after a two day bender and my mouth felt like something had crawled in there and died. My head was pounding out my own funeral march and my teeth were fuzzy. I was not in the best of moods. "How should I know? Quite a dish, though, I do know that. And I know how you like 'em. Blonde sophisticate..but too much eye makeup. Hey! Maybe it's the Avon Lady." "Oh, you're quite a card, you are, Vernie. Maybe you should be a comedian instead of a lowly gal Friday." "Aw, ya know I'd miss our witty banter, Sam." "Show her in." Vicky ducked out of my office. "Hey, ya lucked out. Mr. Spode'll see youse." "Thank you." And then POW! The most luscious tomato I'd seen in my life walked in. White blonde hair, big blue eyes (Laverne was right...she had kind of overdone the warpaint) and soft red lips. Not to mention a body like Route 66...long and lean, but with curves in all the right places. Not that she dressed to show it off. Nope, this dame was real class...gray tweed suit with a skirt that reached mid-calf. Like Vicky had said, a "sophisticate". Hell, maybe she WAS the Avon Lady. "Mr. Spode?" I realized I hadn't stood up when she walked in. My feet were still up on my desk, next to the highball glass of raw eggs, tabasco sauce, black pepper, and witch hazel which is my own little hangover recipe. I felt like a heel, so I gestured for her to sit down in the cracked leather chair opposite me. "Thank you," she said, sitting down. "Don't mind me, I'm just recovering from a bout with the flu,"I explained, patting my stomach for emphasis. "Yes, I see," she said, eyeing the three-quarters emptied bottle of Wild Turkey by my telephone. "Ahem. Well, what can I do ya for?" She became alert, perching on the edge of her seat and clutching her purse like it was gonna run away from her. "Mr. Spode. I am a desperate woman. I've been told by people who know that you're the only one who can help me..." "Now hold on, Dollface. I don't know about that. There's the matter of my fee-" "Any amount of money you want, it's yours. There are other interests besides mine who want this whole sordid episode behind them. I'm sure they'll finance anything...anything! To ...to..." her voice cracked as she stifled a sob. I dutifully pulled my wrinkled hanky from my jacket pocket. The rumpled thing had seen better days but, darn it, so had she. She took it, dabbing her blue eyes delicately. "I promised myself I wouldn't do this..." she apologized. "Now, come on," I tried clumsily to soothe her. "Turn off the waterworks. It can't be as bad as all that. Now, try to pull yourself together, and-" I was interrupted by a terrifically squishy honk, which turned out to be Dollface blowing her nose. "And...and..I'll uh.."I had lost my train of thought. "See what I can do," I finished as she offered me the now soggy hanky. I shook my head no, indicated the wastepaper basket next to my desk. "Mr. Spode, I'm really terribly sorry about that little display..." "So am I," I said, glancing at my ruined hanky, which had landed with a SHPLOK! in my trashcan. "I'm simply SO distressed, you can't imagine." "Now, suppose we get down to basics," I said, trying to resume a businesslike manner. "Yes, of course. My name is Evelyn Astor. I've come to you to recover a religious artifact...a STOLEN religious artifact." "Humph. Somebody hoarked your crucifix. Tried calling your padre?" "No...it's not a Christian relic." "Your copy of the Koran? Your Torah? Your Book of Mormon?" "Mr. Spode. The relic is OTISian." I was floored. I knew at once why she had come to me...she must have known about my great-grandfather Hiram Spode, High Priest of OTIS back during the failed OTIS revival of the 1830's(see SAM SPODE:PRIVATE EYE #4--O What a Tangled Web). She may even know of the rumored relation between me and SPODE himself..though this had never actually been confirmed. "Mr. Spode..." she broke into my reverie,"how much do you know about 'Humpy the Stumpy Bear'?" "Oh, just as much as any 2 year old child knows. She's the Ancient Otisian Saint of Spiffyness." "And do you know about the famous statue of Stumpy Bear?" "Oh, sure..a little. Rumored to have certain curative powers...specifically, the transformation of anyone coming in contact with it into a person of good taste, values, and character." "Now you're quoting the textbook passage. You mean, basically, a 'spiffy' person." "Yeah, right..." slowly, the horrible truth dawned on me. "You don't mean-" "That's right, Mr. Spode. The Mighty Statue of Stumpy has been stolen." "But..how...why...?" "Certainly, Mr. Spode, you can see the value of an ancient religious object d'art which, besides its obvious aesthetic value-" It WAS an incredible work of art. "-also has the power to render tacky, tasteless people immediately 'spiffy'." "Why, the demand would be enormous! Whoever possesses Stumpy-" "Possesses a gold mine," she finished. "But...but..." my mind was reeling like a bum high on a can of sterno. "How? You may well ask. After all, it was, until recently, in the supposedly safe hands of the Reverend John, respected member of Otisian hierarchy." "The Rev? Why, he's a pillar. A rock. He must've been in hot water to have let Stumpy fall into the wrong hands. Did they threaten his family? Shove bamboo shoots under his fingernails? Make him listen to Liberace records?" "Actually, Mr. Spode, he MAILED Stumpy to someone. Quite of his own free will." " MAILED one of the most important religious objects since the Shroud of Turin to someone?? For God's sake, WHY?" "Apparently, the person wanted to have his picture taken with Stumpy." I expelled a grunt of air from my lungs in disgust. "That was nearly a year ago. Since then, no one has seen Stumpy, nor have any pictures been sent to Reverend John..the reward that was to follow his sending the statue away. I should say, no one has seen Stumpy, save for this mysterious 'shutterbug'." "And no clue as to the whereabouts...?" "Reverend John knew this man only by a nickname, and the PO box he sent Stumpy to is now owned by someone else." I was shaking my head, incredulous. "Mr. Spode...will you help me?" The question was tersely put, but she couldn't hide her emotions. I noticed her lower lip quivering ever so slightly. "Yeah," I finally said. "Yeah, I will." But I'm not doin' this one for you, Dollface, I thought to myself. And not even for you, "Bill", meaning the bill collectors who'd soon be hounding me again if I didn't get my teeth into a nice juicy case. No, sir. I was doin' this one for OTIS. NEXT: SAM SPODE: PRIVATE EYE #113--A Bird in the Hand ####===================================================================#### AND STILL MORE WEIRDNESS ####===================================================================#### Date: Thu, 9 Jul 1992 20:17 -0500 From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD Subject: Even MORE weirdness Mathematics Glossary Any student who ever sat or slept through a mathematics course knows that certain words and phrases occur very frequently. This glossary might eliminate some confusion. When the instructor says He really means ------------------------ --------------- trivial The student might be able to do it in three hours or so. simple An "A" student can do it in a week or so. easy This topic would make a good master's thesis. clear The instructor can do it (he thinks). obvious The instructor is sure it is in his notes somewhere. certainly The instructor saw one of his instructors do it, but has completely forgotten how it was done. left as an exercise The instructor lost his notes. for the student is well known The instructor heard that someone once did it. can be shown The instructor thinks it might be true, but has no idea how to prove it. the diligent student It is an unsolved problem - can show probably harder than Fermat's Last Theorem. ---------- TRUSTY TRUISMS AND PRINCIPLES SEGALS LAW : A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure. FINAGLE'S NEW LAWS OF INFORMATION : (1) The information we have is not what we want (2) The information we want is not what we need. (3) The information we need is not available. DAVID BRINKLEY'S OBSERVATION : Stupidity is an almost sovereign force. STRUP'S LAW : The importance of any given news event on television is directly proportionate to the amount of time remaining after the commercials. THE LAWS OF GARDENING : (1) Other people's tools work only in other people's yards. (2) Fancy gizmos don't work. (3) If nobody uses it, there's a reason. (4) You get the most out of what you need the least. THE OBSERVATIONS OF ARCHIMEDES G. BELL : When a body is immersed in water --- the telephone rings. THE CYNIC'S REFLECTION : I'd be a pessimist, but it wouldn't work anyway. KITMAN'S LAW : Pure drivel on the TV screen tends to drive off ordinary drivel. MARTHA'S MAXIM : If you cast your bread upon the waters, it will return soggy. COMB'S TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT : (1) To err is human; to forgive is not our policy. (2) A good manager makes the correct decision on the basis of few or no facts. (3) Never make a decision until the last possible moment ; you may receive new information. SOBEL'S LAW : There's no substitute for genuine lack of preparation. FELDSTEIN'S LAW : Never, ever, play leapfrog with a unicorn. THE POSTMAN'S THEORY : Everything in a plain brown wrapper is dirty. THE LAW OF COMPARATIVE PLEASURE : Sex : even when it's bad, it's good. THE "ENOUGH ALREADY" LAW : The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. THE JUNK MAIL LAW : The mailman bringeth and the trashman taketh away. ---------- [Of course we all know application for living in Kentucky is far less regorous than applying even for the most basic of Otisian Initiations.] A P P L I C A T I O N T O L I V E I N K E N T U C K Y ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NAME:___________________________ NICKNAME:__________________________________ CB HANDLE:______________________ ADDRESS:_________________________________ RFD#:_____________________________ DADDY: (If unknown, attach a list of suspects)______________________________ MAMA:___________________________ NECK SHADE: ( )Lt.Red ( )Med.Red ( )Dk.Red Number of Teeth Shown In Full Grin: Upper:_____________ Lower:___________ Name of Pickup Owned:____________________ Height of Truck:__________________ Truck Equipped With: ( )Gun Rack ( )4-Wheel Drive ( )Confederate Flag ( )Eight Track ( )Load of Wood ( )Hijacker Shocks ( )Fuzz Buster ( )Toothpick Holder ( )Mud-Grip Tires ( )Spittoon ( )Mag Wheels ( )Dual CB Antenna ( )Raccoon Hide ( )Camper Top ( )Big Dog ( )Air Horns ( )Mud Flaps Number of Empty Beer Cans on Floor Board of Pickup:______________ Bumper Stickers: ( )Eat More Possum ( )Red Man Chewing Tobacco ( )Honk If You're Horney Define the following (You must be 90% Correct): 1)Grits 6)Red Eye Gravy 11)Tote 16)Pinto Beans 2)Goobers 7)Sawmill Gravy 12)Poke 17)Cracker 3)Collards 8)Soppin Syrup 13)Tater 18)Turnip Salad 4)Side Meat 9)Cobbler 14)Pig Skins 19)Cord 5)Chitlins 10)Fatback 15)Ramps 20)Hillbilly Favorite Vocals: ( )Donna Fargo ( )Conway Twitty ( )Hank Williams ( )Porter Waggoner ( )Loretta Lynn ( )Johnny Cash ( )Tammy Wynette ( )Slim Whitman ( )George Jones ( )Willie Nelson ( )Box Car Willie Favorite Recreation: ( )Square Dancin ( )Possum Huntin ( )Skinny Dippin ( )Drankin ( )Spittin Backy ( )Bull Chip Throwin( )Other Weapons Owned: ( )Deer Rifle ( )Bird Gun ( )Varmit Rifle ( )Tire Iron ( )Pick Handle ( )Chain Saw ( )Log Chain Number of Hound Dogs:______________ Type: ( )Blue Tick ( )Black & Tan ( )Beagle ( )Red Bone Number of Dogs Named: Red:_____ Blue:_____ Beuford:_____ Barney:_____ Cap Emblem: ( )John Deere ( )Cat ( )Skoals ( )P S R ( )NAPA ( )Coors ( )Kentucky Number of Weeks Unemployed:_______ Number of Welfare Checks Received:_______ Number of Dependents: Legal:______________ Claimed:________________ Club Memborships: ( )KKK ( )NRA ( )Moose ( )VFW ( )American Legion ( )PTL ( )Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy Length of Legs: Left:__________________ Right:__________________ Does your truck contain some part painted with the Official State Color of Primer Red?_____________ How many cars/trucks do you have jacked up in your front yard?______________ How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you keep on your front porch?________________ Will you be a part of Kentucky Intelligentals with a measurable IQ? ( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know Do you wear mostly double knit polyester with shag? ( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know Do you own any shoes?_________ What year did you last purchase shoes?_________ Are you married to any of the following? ( )Sister ( )Cousin ( )Sow Do you know her name?_________ Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?__________ How much more?_________ Can you sign your name and get it right every time? ( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know Have you stayed sober over a whole weekend? ( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know Can you count past 10 with your shoes on? ( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know Can you count past 21 with your fly up? ( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know Medical Information: Do you have at least two of the following? ( )BO ( )Crabs ( )Head Lice ( )Scabbies ( )Trench Mouth ( )Runny Nose ( )Bad Breath Do you know any words that have more than four letters? ( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know Have you ever taken more than one bath in the same week? ( )Yes ( )No ( )Don't know ####===================================================================#### AN ANCIENT STORY PART TWO ####===================================================================#### [Here's the second part of that story Dr. Simpson has so generously translated for us.] And so Arani came before Lord Rhotos and the Eight Judges of the Dead. And behold! The Eight Judges of the Dead snickered for Arani was without any covering of any kind, but stern Lord Rhotos saw nothing funny about it. And Arani demanded the Kingdom of Rhotos thusly, "Give to me thine kingdom, O my brother." And strong Rhotos, pitiless in heart, spake, "What dost thou take me for? Nay, I shall not give it to thee nor any other." And the Eight Judges of the Dead pronounced a sentence of death upon Arani. And Rhotos turned his Eye upon Arani so that Arani shriveled up and became brown and dry like a corpse and was hung upon a stake in the center of the court of Rhotos. And a day did pass. And another day did pass. And yet another day did pass. And though mortal men may doubt it, another day did pass. Verily, in all, four days did pass. Then, on the fourth day, Papsucker, Vizier of the Gods, did go unto the court of the Gods and lamented thusly, "Woe unto us! For the pride of Arani in desiring Lord Rhotos' kingdom, he has killed and hung Arani on a stake in his court. Yea, verily, it has been four days." And Lord Lotus did excuse himself, claiming that he heard his mother, rich-haired Phuz, Goddess of soft slumber, calling him to their home on Mount Sus. And Lord Spode did have an urgent sacrifice to attend. But great Otis, Ruler of all life, spake thusly, "Verily, I say unto you, four days is too long. I shall save Arani, my consort, from this dishonorable fate." And Otis created four beasts and they were called Vern, Vic, Vince, and Vito. And Otis commanded Vern, Vic, Vince, and Vito thusly, "It has been four days since my consort has disappeared into the Kingdom of Rhotos. Take thee the Bread, Wine, Pasta, and Tomato Paste of Life and get thee hence and return Arani unto me." And so Vern, Vic, Vince, and Vito descended into the Kingdom of Rhotos and gave the Bread, Wine, Pasta, and Tomato Paste of Life unto Arani. And lo! Arani did arise. But the Eight Judges of the Dead were sorely wroth and did demand a substitute to take the place of Arani. And so, they went unto Mount Sus, unto the house of rich-haired Phuz, Goddess of soft slumber, and her gentle son, Lord Lotus. And they called for him to come out but he feared greatly and in no wise would leave the safety of his gate. And so, they went unto the temple of Spode on the island of Glaspepgligerfnoszicewprat. And they called for him to come out but he knew what was up and would not show himself unto them. Instead, he left stealthily by a back gate and went unto the palace of Otis. And when he had gone stealthily unto the palace of Otis, ruler of all life, Spode spake unto him thusly, "Behold! Arani has taken the kingdom of Rhotos away from him and returns in triumph. Even now Arani is choosing who shall be the new owner of the kingdom of Rhotos." And so, mighty Otis, ruler of all life, rushed out the door of the great palace and made haste unto that place where Arani and the Eight Judges of the Dead were. And Otis approached them and spake thusly, "Yea, verily, thou must pick me, for I have deserved it!" And so the Eight Judges of the Dead tore mighty Otis, ruler of all life, into 8,000 pieces and scattered the 8,000 pieces across all of the earth. And Arani grieved greatly. And Arani spent 44 days and 44 nights seeking the bloody parts of Otis. And at the end of that time Arani re-assembled the parts and discovered that the head was yet lacking. And Arani sat down and grieved for the head of Otis was not to be found. And Spode came upon Arani weeping over the body of Otis and Spode appeared unto Arani as a god that had not been seen before. And Spode spake unto Arani thusly "O Worshipful Divinity, why dust thou weep?" And Arani, not knowing Spode for himself but thinking that this was some new god, spake "For 44 days and 44 nights I have searched for the parts of my mate Otis but nowhere in sky, in sea, or on land could I find the head of Otis." And Spode spake unto Arani "Verily, I say unto you, do not be overcome by grief, for I am a travelling God and I have seen the head of Otis flowing down the river Imrana crying for Arani." And Arani was overcome with grief and spake "Then the head of Otis is lost forever." And Spode spake unto Arani "Nay, it is not so, for I saw where the head of Otis was washed up upon the shore and was covered in sand." And Arani spake with great joy "I am filled with great joy." And they went unto the place that Spode had spoken of and behold, Spode dug into the sand and retrieved a bloody piece of flesh. And Arani was filled with great joy. And Spode placed the piece of flesh upon the body of Otis and spake words of great power and Otis was raised up. But Arani was filled with great sorrow and wept. And Arani spake "Bitter is the cup you have poured for me, Strange God, for the piece of flesh was not the head of Otis." Indeed, thusly it had come to pass, the piece of flesh was a sexual organ. In this way Otis came to have both types of sexual organs, both the male organs and the female organs, but there is no head upon the divine shoulders of Otis. ####===================================================================#### BATTLING VAMPIRES ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1992 20:58 -0500 From: MATTHEW GREENWOOD Subject: VampFight/weirdness Date: Mon, 13 Jul 1992 17:41:46 EST From: Leonard T Roberts The following article was published in our local newspaper under the title "Police break up 'Vampire' fight": From wire reports NEW YORK - First, it was alligators in the sewers. Now it's vampires in the subways. And these vampires bite. Police answering an "assault in progress" call at the East 53rd Street station of the Lexington Avenue subway line at 5:10 a.m. EDT Saturday came upon a scene too weird even for that time and place. "We saw a crowd, and there were three women fighting with two people dressed like Dracula," said Transit Police Officer Neil Hirsch. "We split them apart, and the females claimed the vampires were beating them up, and one of them got bit." "It was really bizarre." The black-clad brawlers in the ghastly makeup turned out to be a Queens roofer and his girlfriend, who were heading home before dawn from a night of clubhopping. Transit Police spokesman Al O'Leary said the ersatz Draculas en-Count-ered the women near the token booth. The caped clubbers believed the women were men and there was "an exchange of one-liners, then insults, which grew into a punch being thrown by the male Dracula. Then he bit one woman on her arm," cops said. The token clerk called for police, Police officers arrested Ron Varndel, 20, and Kathleen Butler, 23, on a charge of third-degree assault. They were given summonses and released. One woman was treated for a bite on her arm, at Bellevue Hospital, and released. One of her companions had a bruised nose. "The joke going around here is, 'Were they arrested on a stakeout?" said O'Leary. "At first I was thinking, 'I wish I had a cross instead of a gun,'" said Hirsch, 25, who has been patrolling subways for two years. It's just one more thing the Democratic convention delegates can write home about. 30 C.D. ####===================================================================#### IRON BALLS FOR HEALTH ####===================================================================#### From: ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (AjD) Subject: Steel balls manual Date: Sun, 12 Jul 92 21:08:36 GMT "TEDDY" IRON BALL FOR HEALTH made in China Iron Ball for Health is a traditional product renowned at home and abroad for a long time. It can date from the Ming Dynasty (1368-1644). Originally, the Iron Ball was a solid one, and afterwards it is designed hollow with a sounding plate in it. Of a pair of balls, one sounds high and the other low. The "Teddy" iron hollow ball for health which imitated Jingtailan inherited and developed the ancient, traditional handicrafts. It is bright -- colored, hard to wear ,either a well work of art or a treasure necessary for the aged to build up physical strength and remove diseases. Function : According to the Chinese traditional medical theory of "Jingluo"(jingluo refers to the main and collateral channels,regarded as a network of passages,through which vital energy circulates and along which the acupuncture points are distributed) , the ten fingers are connected with the heart,that is to say,by means of jingluo the ten fingers are connected with the cranial nerve and vital organs of the human body,including heart,liver,spleen,lung,kidneys,gall,bladder, stomach and intestines,etc. On plucking the iron balls with fingers,the balls can stimulate the various acupuncture points on the hand,resulting in the unimpededness of circulation of vital energy and blood in the body. It can cause the jingluo (channels) unblocked and thorough, the vital energy and blood to function in harmony,the muscles nimble,the bones strong, the mind sober,can invigorate the circulation of blood,and can prevent and cure hypertension and various chronic diseases. If you keep on taking exercise everyday for months and years,you can get the fine results of keeping your brain in good health with high intelligence and good memory, relieving your fatigue,drowning your worries,and moreover,prolonging your life. Usage: When taking exercise,put two iron balls on your palm, crook and stretch the five fingers in sequence to cause the balls to rotate and revolve,either clockwise or counter -- clockwise. In so doing,all the joints of the hand are always in motion ; and with the crooking and stretching of the fingers,the forearm muscles are contracted and relaxed harmonically. At first,you may select balls of small size for exercise; and when skilled,you can select balls larger and larger in size.Your two hands may practise in alternation,and three or four balls may be put on the palm at the same time for showing a variety of figures. Maintenance:The ball is made of metal. There is chromium, titanium or Jingtailan were gilded covered the iron hollow ball to decorate which should be kept dry and clean and prevented from violent collision. AjD the "teddy" logo is cute. ####===================================================================#### SweetTarts(TM) ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 15 Jul 92 20:30:31 MDT From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu From: dtasman@NMSU.Edu Subject: SweetTarts (TM) From: mikkelson@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes) Subject: SweeTARTS Date: 8 Jul 92 18:12:04 GMT Having nothing better to do than to write annoying letters to various companies, I recently dashed off a letter to Sunline Brands, the manufacturers of SweeTARTS candy. Reproduced below are my letter and their response: [ADDRESS DELETED] Sunline Brands Sunmark Inc. St. Louis, MO 63111 Dear Sunline: As I am allergic to most products containing salicylic acid, I recently stopped by my local pharmacy in search of some aspirin-free headache medicine. Your brightly-colored box caught my eye at the checkout counter, so I decided to give your product a try. Although the price of your product was quite reasonable, and I suffered none of the nasty side effects I usually endure when I take aspirin-containing products, I am sorry to have to report that I found "SweeTARTS" to be totally ineffective as a pain reliever. Part of this failure may stem from the fact that your box contains no dosage information. I initially tried one tablet every 4 to 6 hours, and when that dose proved ineffectual, I increased it to two tablets for each 4 to 6 hour period. I reluctantly refrained from taking any more tablets after I had ingested 8 of them in a 24-hour period, out of fear of a possible overdose, even though my headache persisted unabated. Either I did not follow the proper dosage, or the active ingredient in your tablets has little effect on me. The label on the box does not specifically mention which ingredients are the active ones, but as I have not found artificial flavoring and coloring to be effective pain relievers in the past, I am assuming the active ingredients are Dextrose and Maltodextrin. I would be most interested in any information you could provide to document the effectiveness of these chemicals in the temporary relief of headache pain. Regards, ________________________ David Mikkelson ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sunline Brands June 26, 1992 [address deleted] Dear Mr. Mikkelson: Thank you for your recent letter about our product. SweeTARTS(R) is a candy product and is not an aspirin-free pain reliever. It can be consumed in amounts normal with any candy. Dextrose is a sugar derived from corn. Maltodextrin is a corn syrup solid. Neither ingredient has any headache pain relieving claim. Enclosed is a coupon good for any of Sunline Brands' candy products. We are proud of the taste and quality of our products; please enjoy the candy. Sincerely, Tim Skouby Quality Control Manager ####===================================================================#### DR. BRONNER'S ADVICE ####===================================================================#### From: ajd@itl.itd.umich.edu (AjD) Subject: Dr. bronner's medical advice and love poetry Date: Fri, 17 Jul 92 01:59:13 GMT "12th FROM DR. BRONNER'S PEPPERMINT OIL SOAP LABELS "12th: Essene Birth-Controls prevent unraised-unemployable Birth! Instead, God's Law prevents conception 100% below pH3. Essenes 400 years used rosehips, pH2. Absolute clean, apply vaseline-oil-butter or cream. Insert tsp. juicy lemon pulp, pH2. Next day douche with quart soapy water, pH8, restoring pH5 balance God-made! Who else but God gave man this sensuous passion! Love that can spark mere dust to life! Beauty in our Eternal Father's fashion! Ecstasy far above Earthy greediness & strife! Poetry, uniting All-One, brave, all life! Like a beacon breaking thru dark clouds that pass, your deep embrace, your sensuous kiss! Who else but God can make Love last 1 trillion years of sweet eternities! For when conquered after years of toil, sweat, blood, Love can strike like greased lightning sent by God, to spark mere dust to intense blazing fire & create new Love-faith-hope-guts-strength, as only God inspire! Unite the whole Human race in All-One-God-Faith, as all mankind desire! (Dr. Bronner's Almond Soap Quarts teach 26 verses 'How to Love', unitied All-One above! Above! Essene Scrolls $2 or 10 $10)." AjD shonen knife ####===================================================================#### YAK SHAVING DAY ####===================================================================#### From: Michael.Canode@f440.n226.z1.FIDONET.ORG (Michael Canode) Subject: The Legend Of "Yak Shaving Day" Date: Tue, 14 Jul 92 06:28:34 EST I did a little research recently, trying to find out where "Yak Shaving Day" really came from, and how the current customs of its celebration originated. Here's what I discovered (mostly derived from the 1989 edition of the "Encyclopaedia Tincannica"): ----- The holiday of "Yak Shaving Day" (aside from its obvious connection with yaks shaving) is more correctly identified as "Joek Schiven Day", in honor of the historic Danish folk hero of the same name. The story begins about 200 000 years ago, when the then-small village of Copenhagen was ruled by the hated "Boegermeister" dynasty. The worst of the lot was the forty-fifth Boegermeister, "Hans The Bellicose": who, aside from his extreme bellicosity, was always fond of arbitrarily declaring things illegal for the population at large, while maniacally guarding those same things for himself. Enter at this point, Joek Schiven: an artificer in metals with penchant for inventing things, and a passion for liberty. While most of the people of Copenhagen endured the rule of the Boegermeisters in silence, Joek Schiven decided to take action, in the hope of arousing the populace to revolt. Schiven's first action was taken when Hans The Bellicose declared that no children under the age of five should be seen in public, while his wife would proudly drive through town in the family haywain, with their quintuplets riding in the rear. Joek Schiven's response: He collected all the soiled diapers in town, broke into the Boegermeister's castle and nailed them to the walls of the Great Hall. -- Hans The Bellicose was enraged at this affront, but was unable to find out who the perpetrator was. This did not change his attitude, so he went on as before. A few months later, Hans decreed that no garden in Copenhagen would contain cabbage (excepting, of course, his own, with its 60-centimeter heads of "Prussian Green Gold" cabbage). Joek Schiven's response: He broke in the castle again, bringing with him a barrel of mayonnaise. He cut up the cabbages, mixed them with the mayonnaise and filled every pair of boots in the castle with the resulting mixture. -- The Boegermeister was beginning to perceive that all was not well in his domain, but still was unwilling to admit where the fault lied. It was at this point, that the historians agree that Hans The Bellicose made his quintessential mistake. He declared that Copenhagen would be free of pets. And of course, there was that one exception: the Boegermeister's own prized Carpathian Bearded Yak, housed in the royal stable. Joek Schiven's response: He broke into the stable, took the yak out (who had been treated badly by the Boegermeister, and was grateful to be walking on grass for a change), put it in a logbark canoe and floated it down the Spum River. -- At that point, Hans The Bellicose had had enough. He resigned the Boegermeisterhood, packed up his family and left town, hearing behind him the cheers of the townspeople as they saw their hated monarch taking it on the lam. ----- Now: as to why that yak sails from bathroom to bathroom on his enchanted canoe, there is a simple explanation. The yak knows that one day it might meet Joek Schiven, the man who freed both it and the village of Copenhagen... and it wants to look good should the occasion arise. ####===================================================================#### PSALM OF BUSH ####===================================================================#### From: Lydia Fish Subject: Election Year Folklore Subject: President Bush Psalm of Bush Bush is my shepherd, I shall not want. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my doubt in the republican party. He guideth me to the path of unemployment for the party's sake. I do not fear evil for thou art against me. Thou annointest my wages with freezes, So that my expenses runneth over my income. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow the Republican party. And I shall live in a rented house forever. 5,000 years ago Moses said, "Park your camel, pick up your shovel, mount your ass, and I shall lead you to the promised land." 5,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up your Camel; this is the promised land." Today Bush will tax your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass, and tell you there is no promised land. P.S. I'm glad that I am an American. I'm glad that I am free. But I wish I was a puppy, And Bush was a tree. ####===================================================================#### DWI PENELTIES ####===================================================================#### From: ldoering@engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering) Subject: Another urban legend spotted! Date: Tue, 07 Jul 92 01:11:54 EDT Methods Of Handling Drinking Drivers In Other Parts Of The World [These seem relatively plausible.] Norway: Twenty-one day prison term and from 1-10 years loss of drivers's license. Finland: Manual labor for one to six months. USSR: Permanent loss of license. [These seem slightly off the wall.] Malaya: The drunk person is jailed. If he is married, his wife is jailed also. South Africa: Ten years in jail and $2,000 fine. Turkey: Drunk person is taken 20 miles from home and made to walk home. [And, the ones you've all been waiting for...] San Salvador [sic] EXECUTION BY FIRING SQUAD. Country Unknown: Convicted driver is BRANDED on the forehead with a big A. Feeling is that of the individual being unable to control his intake of alcohol so they take the decision of his/her drinking out of their hands. This country will punish anybody caught giving or selling such an individual any beverage containing "ethyl alcohol." Now, "USSR" is excusable, since it's been less than a year. There hasn't been a country called "Malaya" since the late 40's, though. I also find it a bit peculiar that South Africa imposes a fine that equals exactly $2,000 (it would be 5,600 Rand), and that Turkey makes drunk drivers walk 32.18 kilometers home. I've heard the bit about drunk drivers being shot in El Salvador before, but the "Country Unknown" penalty is a new one. For sheer stupidity and total lack of documentation, I'd say the Washtenaw County court system deserves a big bouquet of Shergolds. Larry "you won't catch *me* driving drunk in Country Unknown" Doering ####===================================================================#### FUTURE PREDICTIONS ####===================================================================#### From: mmm@cup.portal.com (Mark Robert Thorson) Subject: Ordinary Life in the 21st Century Date: Wed, 22 Jul 92 22:15:17 PDT BEDS -- Bedrooms will disappear as the Murphy bed makes a comeback in the form of a thin flat plate which folds down from the wall and expands into a smart foam. It molds itself to your body, senses anatomical landmarks which allow it to determine the position of all your bones, and applies pressure to subtly push your skeleton into a position optimal for resting each joint (especially the spine). It gradually moves your body around, to rotate the pressure among the various positions your body can take. Room-temperature superconducting SQUID magnetometers read your brainwaves, and the bed produces an appropriate reaction. A dial on the side of the bed allows you to adjust the "liveliness" of the bed, ranging from the imperceptibly slow motion of "senior citizen mode" to the wild and crazy "teenage wet dream mode". CHRISTMAS TREES--As Christians become more and more ignorant of the historical origins of their religion, Christmas and New Year's Day will merge into a single holiday, the highlight of which will be the burning of the Christmas tree. A really authentic traditional Christmas tree burning will consist of igniting a dried-out pine sapling using high-wattage incandescent bulbs or candles tied to the branches. The Red Devil fireworks company will sell a complete ready-to-go Christmas tree for people who would sacrifice a little authenticity in order to have a really good pyrotechnic show. (As a salute to tradition, it comes in a box shaped like a suburban house, which is consumed as the display runs its course.) HEALTH FADS -- The next big fad will be zero-gauss chambers, i.e. mu-metal cabinets designed to exclude all magnetic fields. All sorts of grand claims will be made for these metal coffins which shield a person from electromagnetic radiation. Some of these claims are real, but they are a consequence of the way in which it acts as a sensory-deprivation chamber, rather than any electromagnetic effect on the body. MUSIC -- Continuing the trend toward minimalizing engagement of cerebral cortical neurons, Rap music will be supplanted by Wap music, which preserves the rhythm and percussion of Rap but dispenses with the semantic content. The #1 Wap music song of the year 2000 is: AP AP AP KAP KAP KAP KANG KANG KANG ANG ANG ANG. It is the hit song of the top-rated group AEIOU. SUBTRACTIVE DRUGS -- A new category of drugs will be molecules which bind and inactivate organic molecules, much in the way that chelates bind to inorganic molecules. By removing specific molecules, such as the brain hormones released in response to stress, a whole new set of drug therapies will be developed. Unlike the "additive" drugs we have today, which add a substance to the chemical ecology of the body, these "subtractive" drugs will have very few side effects, no overdose capability, and no tolerance effect. They may, however, be addictive. OLYMPIC GAMES -- Once it becomes possible to use nanomachines to build human tissue indistinguishable from natural tissue, the Olympic committee will have to surrender their taboos on human- enhancement technology. Future Olympics will consist entirely of games which make direct neural connection to the brain. Victory will go not to the largest muscles, but to the finest-grained control, fastest reflexes, and most precise feedback. The contestants will be evaluated in virtual reality, presenting identical conditions of wind, track, etc. to each athlete. PSYCHIC POWER -- Implanted receivers will allow people to sense and interpret the electromagnetic fields produced by brainwaves in other people's head, providing a form of psychic power. People with sufficient familiarity with each other's brainwaves, such as a married couple, will actually have a form of telepathy. This technology will be smoothly integrated with New-Age belief systems, resulting in one or two generations of very confused people. CLOTHING -- Smart clothing will sense the thoughts of both the wearer and people in the nearby vicinity. For example, if a flirtatious girl catches the attention of a horny guy, the clothing will sense that and make appropriate adjustments. If he mentally undresses her, she could suddenly find herself wearing a skimpy bikini in public! PSYCHOSURGERY -- Temporary and permanent lobotomies will be performed by tiny remote-control valves injected into the blood stream, which lodge themselves in cerebral arteries to slow or stop blood flow into selected regions of the cerebral cortex. Initially used for psychiatric treatment of criminals and the mentally disturbed, the technology will "leak out" into the recreational drug mainstream. The principal abuse will be destruction of certain thalmo-frontal tracts in order to create a permanent state of euphoria. (If you don't believe this is possible, see _Psychosurgery_ by Freeman and Watts, 2nd edition, Charles C. Thomas, 1950, pg. 151-152. I disagree with the cause speculated in that text, and I think the potential for this condition exists in all brains.) SOCIAL SECURITY -- Because of the demographic size of the baby boom generation and the raised political consciousness of that generation, they will control the U.S. As they become eligible to receive Social Security benefits (beginning around the turn of the century), Social Security will become an even greater sacred cow than it is today. I know that is hard to imagine, but it is inevitable. Government policy will enslave the post-baby-boomers to finance Social Security. ####===================================================================#### MESSENGER OF THE GODS ####===================================================================#### [As you may recall in the last episode, our heroes were just about to face certain doom by being married to a couple of horrible inbred girls who's favorite past time was popping bubble packing.] "Dearly Beloved--Better hold her up a bit straighter there Festus Jr. it is her wedding day. Vasoline and Gasoline smile. Let's see those big beautiful teeth of yours. Your husbands have really gotten quite a find-- we are gathered here--" The preacher stopped abruptly as a fishing pool poked out of thin air and knocked his hat off. "You hoo!" yelled the voice of Elvis out of thin air. The Man in Black and I looked at each other. Maybe we'd be saved. Several men, thinking fast, which was amazing for such inbred brains, leapt forward and grabbed the pool and pulled hard. "Shoot! Let go!" cried Elvis as he suddenly got pulled out of thin air. A rope was wrapped around his waist. His guitar was across his back. Our captors gasped. The preacher dropped his bible. "Elvis!" they all cried. Elvis looked around bewilder for a moment and wiped his forehead with an old gas station rag. He caught sight of us and smiled. "Howdy. I guess I got luckily." Several of the men dropped to their knees in awe. The preacher quickly stooped to pickup his bible. Vasoline and Gasoline began to scream uncontrollably like teenie boppers from the sixties. The Man in Black and I cringed at the din. Hoping no one was looking Festus Jr. gave the woman in the leather trenchcoat a grope. "Uh what gives?" Elvis asked me. He scratched his head and adjusted the guitar on his back. "Can you get us back to the submarine?" I asked. Before the King of Rock and Roll could reply he was jerked back sharply by the rope around his was. "Doggone it Mabuto!" yelled Elvis clawing at the rope around his waist. I took it as a sign that we could get back. "Quick follow the rope!" I yelled. I grabbed hold of the rope that lead into thin air. I tried to run forward using the rope as a handrail only to have my way blocked by one of our faster thinking captors. He menaced me with a shot gun. He grinned exposing rotten teeth that looked like tombstones in a grave yard. "Yuck!" yelled Elvis in horror as if he'd stepped in a pile of dog poo. I turned to see what he'd yelled about to discover Gasoline and Vasoline crawling all over him like out of control weasels. The Man in Black had produced some sort of disposable handy wipe and was trying to scrub the Vasoline drool off his face and lapels. The woman in the trench coat lay on the floor in a ragdoll heap. Festus Jr. had abandoned her to prance around Elvis like then angels are supposed to prance around God. "Leggo! I'm the King dammit! I don't have to take this!" Hastily he unlumbered his guitar and grabbed its neck like a club. "Stop it!" yelled the mother. We all stopped. She had this forceful motherness in her voice that caused us to instantly obey because of our evolutionary programming. "Not one of you critters move!" she ordered motioning for our captors to cover us. The priest was to one side on his knees trying to pray and thumb through his bible for an exorcism ritual at the same time. Vasoline and Gasoline looked at their mother with big puppy dog eyes. Festus stopped his prancing and toed the woman in the woman in the trench coat. She was out cold. Her face was swelled up where he's hit her. I think some of her teeth were missing. "Is you really Elvis? The King?" asked the mother of Vasoline and Gasoline wagging a bony finger at Elvis who was still making faces at all the drool that was on him. Slowly he lowered his guitar and tried to gather himself together. He seemed to grow taller and more handsome. "Yes ma'am. I am Elvis," said Elvis arch enemy of the AntiChrist striking one of his classic poses and wiggling his hips. Vasoline and Gasoline screamed and clutched at themselves. The Mother unphased by Elvis' mesmerizing antics said: "Well then, you just go with Vasoline and Gasoline into my bedroom and give us some of those Love Children we are always hearing about." ####===================================================================#### THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ####===================================================================#### --Subink 1992