DAMN IT! Why aren't you viewing the HYPERTEXT VERSION?!?!?!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!?..! ۲ ¿¿ Pizza Underground Digest Volume 3 Issue 03 Epic 67 ¿¿ ۲ ٳ Serving the modem folks for a very really long time. ٳ ۲ This issue composed mainly by: Baphomet the *.* ۲ ۲ "...it doesn't line up write on my computer..."[1] GR@@TS dU0dz! Hello and welcome to more of PUD! Yes, greeeaaaatttt! Woopidty. Okay contain yourself, no premature ejaculation allowed here. So why are you still reading this? Well there can be a number of reasons. One you have no life whatsoever. Two, your just a really PuDRific Kind of guy. Three, you think it's the in thing to do. Well your right it is! MTV recently did an expose on us and it be will airing in between YO! MTV Raps and thier new half-hour PolkAThOn hosted by none other than Jerry Lewis, so look for us there. Now on with the mayhem... MAIL! Really? Yes... Hey mail is great! And getting tossed off of some fido-net echos can not only be fun but is really good for your overall llarma. 'But how do I get tossed off of FidoNet' you whine? Well unlike VNET where you almost have to threaten Roland's life or just crack on VBBS for eighteen or nineteen messages straight, one message will usually suffice on Fido. So what, all mighty baph what do I post about? Well this is the fun part. Anything off topic or offensive. Huh? Okay listen go oh say into the fido gaming echo and say just hold down the return key for while, 14.4k or local prefered, and stop on a message any message. Okay now you will have a message from a really swell person. Oh say like on of the apogee game writers. Now all you do is tell him how much you hate his games and all apogee stands for and you finish it like this... [CUT] No flaming intended. No wait a second...yes it was. Damn I hate you.[2] [CUT] And the mail will come ROLLING IN! All kind of great replies from the dregs of modem society stuff like: [CUT] Wait mines a flame on you! you closed minded little geek! get a girlfriend![3] [CUT] Now what do you when you get stuff like this? After all you will more than likely only get a warning from your first message. So here you simply take any reply you get and just trash the hell out of the loser who sent it to you. Tossed. Gone. You'll get kicked off FidoNet faster than a VBBS SysOp can tell what day of the week it is. AutoPosts? So what do you so with that fine feature of VBBS? Well you use them to tell people how much you enjoy thier company. Here's an example from one of the 400 hundred local VBBS's... AutoPost By: Baphomet the limbo king #12 Damn you ALL SUCK. SOMEONE ON ANY BOARD can talk shit. You correct them and all the little fags start crying. Damn your all sad. Besides 4Dos, not dos 4.0 you idiots, is the only way to go. Ohhh go the fuck back to your Qbasic.Exe By: Suicidal #113 There is nothing wrong with correcting people, just don't be an asshole about it! Asshole, you suck! As for fag, well, I don't think so. You're the one who's always hanging on Beanie's right hand side...Hmmmm as for QBasic, C rulz By: NO COURiER #148 Talk a little more mess there, C boy. Programs tend to compile better under C when the computer is turned ON. This can depend on whether or not you have electricity.... By: Vixen #150 hi... I missed you guys.... [4] Stealing Campsites for [P]HUN and Prophet. Okay so you want to become a god. Well it's damn easy and with a little bit of help from me on the proper way to steal campsites you too may one day become a proficent and great Phrophet of the World. Now becoming a god can sometimes be a difficult and trying time. In this time you will more than likely have to handle undo hardships such as death, small ugly children and many late night prayer sessions. So how do I prepare myself you ask? Well the answer is easy. Steal Campsites. Although many will not make the connection behind a good camp-site thief and a god, I in all my greatness, glory, masculinity, despera...oops...anywayz I have found the many benefits and godlike attributes that come from campsite theft. So how do I steal a campsite? First of all you must plan to go camping but UNDER no circumstances are you to prepare in any way other than invite people and take some tents with you. Do not check the tents for all parts and rely only on your memories of the tent as a small child. Next get a caravan of cars, more than is allowed at the campsite and drive to the gate[If they don't have a gate ignore the next part]. Now at the gate you won't know the passcode to get in. That can be a big problem but not if you come adequatly prepaired. What do you need? A female. Preferebly one with an extrananous amount of some body-part or the other. Have her sit at the gate holding up traffic. Until someone who actually know the keycode comes up and lets her in. Then your in! Now for the theft. The best way to do this is to cruise through the many campgrounds looking for PAID lots, no use it getting those nasty unpaid ones. When you see one pull in and set up camp. Now if a ranger comes up you have to feign stupidity or you can always blame it on somebody else. That's the road I would take. The ranger goes by, you look for another camp and take it. If the man bothers you again, you kill him. Contrary to popular belief ranger uniforms when tightly wrapped around bodies burn rather well and they help you to build a great fire. Now I know you are asking how in the fuck does this make me godlike? Well it hasn't yet but that's because the night is still young. After finding out you are missing a great number of pieces needed to erect the tents here is where your godlike abilities come out. Simply stand around until some one who knows how to put up the tent does it. Here you have proced how menial tasks are below you and no god does menial tasks. After the tent is set up now you play stupid games based around the sport of your choice. Why? all gods need to be loosened up in case of a late night trip to the bathroom. Also if you piss people off playing your sports then you are doing well, after all every god must have enemies. Okay now for the fun part. But alas this is an unregistered copy of PUD and being such this story is stopped here. If you would like to recieve the full section on Phrophecy and CampSites then send $19.95 to Me. Care of DAMN THIS WAS A STUPID SECTION. Hymie [PART2] Hello. I'm Doctor Hymie. I will answer all of your C00L QueSTi0NS about medicine. You will find all you need to know from my "Univerisity of California at Berkeley Wellness Letter". In it, you will find tips like: Enrichening your diet with beta carotene. Beta carotene is the nutrient in fruits and egetabes that your body converts to vitamin A. Vitamin A plays a vital role in the production of sphygma (commonly known as "eye crap"). To cut fat and calories, use less oil when cooking your deli delights. Often, the fat present in the food you are cooking is more than enough to thoroughly cook your food. For instance, did you know that the average ten pound baby has more than four pounds of fat? Eat a raw potato. The average uncooked potato has enough micro-organisms thriving inside it to give you a rush, an alimentary rush, but a rush nonetheless. You'll be the envy of all of your friends. They will think that your case of diarrhea was caused by a visit to exotic Mexico, but only you will know that it was caused by eating an ordinary household potato. Accentuate the positive. Researchers have found that the keys to reducing stress are finding the good in all things. For example: Call it "a chance to catch up on your relaxation," don't call it "total unreversable paralysis." Call it "not having to worry about athlete's foot", don't call it "an amputation." Call it a "really close haircut," don't call it a "scalping". Remember: focus on the good things. It's not true that dark sunglasses cause your pupils to dialate and thus admit more ultaviolet rays. Suprisingly, you can massively dialte your eyes by merely taking one of your mom's perscription barbituates. Allow microwaved food to stand after cooking. Heat tends to concentrate on the inside and only several minutes after cooking will it radiate outwards. Anyone who's ever micro- waved a cat can tell you that while kitty's fur is still all soft and cozy and kitt's nose is still cold and snotty, kitty's internal organs are hot enough to burn your tongue. Be careful with that microwave cuisine! But that's just a preview. In the newsletter you will also find out: The First Thing to do After Accidental Finger Removal How to Pop your Brother's Arm Out of Socket How to Painfully Re-Socket Your Brother's Arm The Benefits of a Good Beating Ten Reasons Why Inhaling Glue is Good for You How Running from the Police is Aerobic Excercise Early Detection of Prostrate Cancer for Fun an Profit Convincing you Sister's Friends to Jump Rope for Their Health How to get a Quick High from Walnuts Healthy Llama Recipes Why Beating your Red Meat is Unhealthy The Healthy Way to Tenderize You Red Meat The Smart Way to Get a Mammogram The Benefits of a Wet Nap versus a Wet Dream The High Tech Way to Hit on Babes And before you ask "How can I get a copy of the newsletter?" there's more: ALL SUBSCRIBERS WILL RECEIVE A COMPLIMENTARY LESSON IN YOGA POSITIONS FROM TALKING GIRL!!! Now you can ask. Thanks for asking. The only way to obtain the newsletter is to read PuD, the only place (so far) that has accepted the newsletter for publication. Obviously, the taste of modern day publications has declined to the point of not appreciating the subtle humour of Dr. Hymie and associates. Their loss. <----------------------------------------------------------------------------> EDITORIAL BOARD OF ADVISORS: Chairman: Adivisor of Gynecology: Buster Hymen, B.S., M.D. Mike Hunt, M.D., OB/GYN. Associate Chairmen: Tuber Advisor: Baph O. Met, B.S., Ph.D. Digit Al Saint, B.S., Dr.T.S. N. O. COURiER, B.S., GYN. [MaF] Artwork! Yes! Here is a ton of [MaF] artwork for you discriminating collectors. ܰ ۱߱ ߱ ݱO߱ ۱ ۱± ۱ ٱ ۱ܱ [Mooga, the Whale] ܰ ۱߱۱ ߱ ݱO۱߱ ۱۱ ۱±۱ ۱۱ o [Mooga, on a Sailboat] ܰ ۱߱ ߱ ݱO߱ ۲ ۲ Ŀ [Mooga, on a Plane.] ܳ ۱߱ܳ ߱ ݱO߱ ۱ ۱ ۱۳ ij۳ ۱۳ܱ [Mooga, on a Hot Air Balloon] Tandy ܰ / ۱߱ ߱ Ŀ ݱO߱ ۳ ۱ ۳ ۱± ۳ ۱ ۳ ٱ ۱ܱ Ŀ ۳ [Mooga, Leeching WaReZ] J0KeS fOr FuN! ***NOTE*** this can be an extremely dangerous and unhealthy joke to play on someone if they are not prepaired for the Earth Shattering consequences it can have. You have been warned, proceed... Phone Joke number 1: First you need a really great person on the other end, oh someone like K0LBeRT KiD number whatever. Then when you have decided that 15 seconds you have already spent talking to him is hell you play the really groovy joke on him. All you do is ask him to count to some easy number, I recommend 5. Note that hear the prey may seem to struggle but just keep prodding them, they will give in soon. When your pray begins to count, hang-up. Fun and efficient. Now call someone else so the line is busy when they dial in. They may or may not depeneding think that the hang-up was an accident. Phone Joke number 2: Next you need a really bright operator. Tell her you want to call any foriegn country. ANY one. All you need is the country code no use in bothering with a real full number. Now that you have the operator on the line tell her the number you wish to dial. When she asks how will you be paying, you answer change of course. She will already be really pissed just at that fact. So she will now wait on, oh say 3 bucks and then she starts to dial...Let her get almost all of the way done then INTERRUPT her. Tell her you gave her the wrong number. Repeat this wrong number process three or four times and VIOLA! The operator will actually HANG up on you! Sources for Qoutes: [1]: Acoustic Saint aka Digital Saint: Said when asked about how he liked the hypertext version of PUD 3 1. It seems he couldn't understand the coherant and docile screen made for us by [MaF] to be the main menu. [2]: Cut from one of my posts to some head apogee guy... [3]: A rebuttal from apogee freak's really protective friends... [4]: AutoPosts stolen courtesy of Midian. [5]: Or whatever the current name may be. Right now it is 'used to be VOC before it got hit by a virus.' The name varies from week to week and with the number one poster on the board. [6]: Based on an actual statement from a local WWiV sysop when he was telling us how the Doughnut girl actually called him a regular. But wait she even knew what his table was and what the 'usual' means. [7]: A word of advice for all of us to follow... Sent in mail to Digital Saint when he was saying something about his 'really good coded' BBS locking up. MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL PuD senior editors can always be reached at: Baphomet the Limbo King 14@2506 WWIVNET NO COURiER 25@2506 WWIVNET Or call Project-X[5] and EMAIL us there at (205)-883-0894 Contributing users may be more difficult to find: Hymie84@2506 WWIVNET fReD tHe HiTmAn Currently a 'Regular' at a doughnut place.[6] The BrAvE LiTtLe ToAsteR At a stolen Camp Site. G-BUNNY Sid's Mouth O'Rama. Biscuit and Gravy Hunting BasketBalls. Date Released: Mon 05-27-1993 ٿڿڿٿڿٿ ڴEndingQouteĿڿ Perhaps you should take a look at VBBS... [7]ڿ ڿ ڿڿٿڿڿٿٿڿڿٿٿٿ