===================================================================== Propaganda Unlimited ===================================================================== Volume Two Issue Two June 21, 1995 bogart (bo-gart) v. 1) To hoard or keep unfairly to onself 2) To overuse or overexpose onself and in doing so prevent another from experiencing the item or event in question 3) To impede the flow of Propaganda for four months.... ===================================================================== CONTENTS -------- 1) Introduction by Midget Caesar 2) Annoyance: the Escalation by Malakai 3) More Poems by Aquarius 4) A Day in the Life by Platinum Ego 5) HOW TO BE A MORON BY ANONYMOUS 6) Short Stories and More! by Aquarius 7) Social Awareness Corner: Chia Crusade '95 by Razorline 8) Obsession by Oregano 9) Dystropia part Tweleventeen by Midget Caesar 10) Ads, Coming Attractions, and Rejection of Conventional Values --------------------------------------------------------------------- STAFF ----- Constantine......Editor-In-Chief (Mellow Yellow) Midget Caesar....Executive Editor (Jivy Ice) Newt.............Head Writer (Chillin' Pomengranate) Oregano..........Evanston Correspondant (Groovy Kiwi) Zaphod...........Distribution Manager (Funky Banana) Dr. Fig..........Arts Editor (Ravin' Quiche) Aquarius.........Question Mark (Manic Beef Jerky) Writing Staff: (Shaken, not Stirred) Malakai, Platinum Ego, Psychotic Ambition, Nyarlathotep, Comrade Slash, Jack Roberts, and (new!) Razorline and Two-Fish.........Arbiter of all that is Cool, Tasty, In Stock, and Aesthetically Pleasing in Sweaters ===================================================================== Introduction ------------ Here and now, my moment in the sun. We all know that "cyberspace" is "virtual", so my imagined sunlight is just as real here as the latest online marketing trend. wooo hooo! Anyways, another issue of Propaganda Unlimited is typed out. I apologize for the ridiculously long delay between issues - well, I was probably the only person who WASN'T expecting it, given our past history. This time it was due to, well, inertia. We were also delayed because Constantine is on vacation in Beirut, and he is not doing anything subversive at all, nor is he playing any games with their food supply, and finally he is not in any way involved in the preparation for the landing of several dark, mysterious hovering objects. We would also like to make it perfectly clear that Constantine has absolutely no connection with any future unfortunate "accidents" that may occur in the vicinity of House Speaker Newt Gingrich. Just clearing the record, thanks. Anyways, Constantine will return next issue, as will hopefully Newt and Dr. Fig, also on, well, absentia. Meanwhile, we have a couple new writers for your reading apathy, Razorline and Platinum Ego, and a few new submissions from people who haven't written for us in awhile. And to top all that off, you have my trademarked babbling. (If you've actually read this far into my babble, you are a truly epic fan. Email us and we'll say nice things about you) We do hope to maintain some sort of frequent schedule in the future, but even one as slow and optimistic as I has learned not to make promises about it. Meanwhile, my time in the Chicago area is limited. Northwestern University and I had.....a disagreement, and, well, needless to say I won't be attending there this fall. (okay, I got rejected, screw them if they refuse to accept me just 'cause I didn't do any work in high school. fascists!) I'll be attending the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. On that subject, so will Aquarius. Platinum Ego's off to Iowa State, Newt to Wellesley, and the rest are either staying here or destination unknown. We wish ourselves well, woop. Propaganda Unlimited most likely will continue publication during my dislocation, in what form remains to be seen. Being well-behaved gee golly gosh whiz cyber-enthusiasts, we here at PU have expanded - we now have our own HOMEPAGE on the INTERNET! wowza! We'll be mentioned in Time Magazine any day now! Thanks to Zaphod for setting it up. There have also been rumours that we might also be involved in acquiring a....Winnebago! but you didn't hear that from me. It's temporarily offline, but keep checking....the address is at the end of this issue. I hope you like the new material this issue, and I also hope that the format changes to not incur the wrath of your stomach's digestive juices. Heck, I'd be pleased if someone was actually READING this stuff. Propaganda Unlimited - You know we'll never give in to the hype. (mention this introduction and get $5 off admission to the PU Anti-Konformist Kamp! Your Summer Fun Alternative!) --------------------------------------------------------------------- Annoyance: A How To Guide for Beginners Hello! This is Malakai, PhD of Annoyance Skills, with additional degrees in False Stupidity, Feigning Intelligence, and Silly Voices. Being a trained professional annoyance, I have come today to show you how to be effectively annyoing online *and* offline, and ways where you can do both! Being though there are *MANY* types of annoyance, I shall refer to my style of annoyance as 'Malakonian' annoyance, a name which is rather annoying in itself. Now, please stand by as we move into the main idea for our story. Lesson 1: Identification of Annoyance Weaknesses ------------------------------------------------ Everyone has a various pet peeve, whether they hate it when people spell wrong, hate people who say the same thing over and over, or just hate people who appear to have little intelligence. Using this section of your Annoyance handbook, you will learn to identify various types of annoyance weaknesses, as well as strengths, to go off topic and be annoying. Section a: Weaknesses --------------------- 1. Intellectual Weakness: These people are easily annoyed by either an apparant lack of intelligence (superiority complex) or an apparant high level intelligence (just plain stupid); For the 1st, to annoy with the best results, feign igorance, often beat around the bush and take the conversation in circles, and of course, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, use a word over 2 sylables unless you have to. For the later, try and use words over 4 sylables when possible, try to ALWAYS sound like you know what the heck you are talking about even if you don't; And here's the sinker--- if they ask you what you're talking about, you say, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you,"; This almost always gains an annoyed response. 2. Racial Weakness: In these days and ages and such, people are getting to be more 'conscious', or basically intolerant of joshing around utilizing words like 'nigger' 'spic' 'honky' and such. These people you can easily identify. First you must learn to speak semi- jive. The typical Semi-Jive entrance is 'sup foo' and you may or may not get a response. If no response, especially no annoyed response, occurs, then add on, "was ju niggahs up to?"; This will probably invoke an annoyed response on any intolerant in the area. And from there it's all child's play, assuming you saw the movies. 3. Words and Phrases: This is probably the most annoying weakness to have, and the most common; It comes from the repitition of one word, sentence, or even letter. You just keep repeating yourself over and over. For example, I log onto a chat board, and go into Teleconfrence. A user says, "Hey, what's up Mal?" and I say, "Are you talk'n na me?" and they say, "Yeah, what's up?" and I go, 'I don't think you're talk'n na me,"; If you use the same or a similar premise, this can be VERY annoying and VERY effective. But be careful, some people may carry on a conversation this way. Section b: Strengths -------------------- Haha! Fooled you! There is no strengths versus annoyance! Isn't this annoying? Lesson 2: Annoyance with an Attitude ------------------------------------ In the last lesson, you learned basic tactics for annoyance of people with the weaknesses stated above, as well as for the strengths stated above. But sometimes this isn't enough; I am a Certified Professional Annoyance, and am banned from the bulk of chat boards in Illinois and south Wisconsin due to this fact, and people like us are almost IMMUNE to the effects and strategies of annoyance. However there are a few sure fire ways to annoy someone. Section a: Superior Annoyance Tactics- Online --------------------------------------------- 1. Continiously talk about nothing, the faster you can type the better, cloud up the conversation with meaningless babble to the point that you are the main converser, but no one is listening to you. This may or may not show signs of obvious annoyance, but it annoys; If you add other tactics, even basic tactics, into this tactic (the Speak Tactic), it can be EXTREMELY effective, and may even annoy a trained professional like myself. 2. If you know someone never shuts off call waiting and you have two lines, you simply keep calling them as they get on, they will eventually get VERY VERY pissed off and either shut it off or stop calling. While this is not directly noticable, it can be used to annoy someone who was waiting to talk to that person but now can't because they kept getting kicked off. 3. If you can, keep sending E-Mail to one person, a constant steam, if possible, make a script program for it, that keeps sending a one word E-Mail message over and over. The user will log on, and have 500 E- Mail messages saying, for example, "Ort" on them. You can also do this with pages if they are online, so that they can't read what people are typing because they are getting too many pages. 4. In a public messages base, post a long message, with one word as one message, then the next as another, and so on. This will piss everyone off and annoy people extremely. Section b: Superior Annoyance Tactics- Offline ---------------------------------------------- 1. In reality, if you talk and fluctuate the frequency of your voice, and change the accent every sentence, this can be VERY annoying. Or keep one stupid accent all the way through, for example keep using the Hans and Franz style of talking. This gets VERY old and VERY annoying, VERY fast. It has a rating of 3 V's 2. Also, now you can have physical contact; One annoying thing to do, is keep tapping people on the shoulder, gently, but to get them to turn around, when they turn around, give them a big shit eating grin, and then they will turn back around, and you start up again. You can also ignore the grin and just keep tapping even when they turn thier head. 3. Taking a blanket and throwing it over your friend's head and then taking a bat and hitting it very hard is VERY annoying, they'll be really annoyed once they find thier way out of the sheets. Be careful though, because you may over annoy them. Lesson 3: Hints and Stuff ------------------------- If you can get all these techniques down, you will have the equivelant of a Bachelour's degree in annoyance. With practice you can gain annoyance experience behind your years! In this lesson I shall give you a few pointers to help you on your way to become a famous and powerful annoyance! Section a: Hints for Feigning Stupidity 1. Say 'huh' 'duh' 'what' and other such one sylable words that express ignorance often, this will make you appear to be a complete moron. 2. If someone says something that can be interpreted two ways, but one is very unusual and very stupid (for example, 'you know, my refrigerator went out today,' is said by someone, you would reply, "Oh, where'd it go?"); You will gain experience in this over time, and some people have become VERY good at it. 3. If you can, try and make up some dumb looks of your own to help you offline as well, it can work. Also, if you are driving, just stare out the window stupidly; This will annoy either someone in the car, or someone looking out thier window at an idiot staring right at them (that's you) Section b: Quick Slanguage Tutorial (id=real translation d=direct tran) 1. Jive Phrases --------------- foo = fool (d), you (id)- More often use to personify a previous *you* sup = what's up? (d & id) G = gangstah (d), friend (id) niggah = nigger (d), a friend who did something cool (id) beoch = bitch (d & id) 2. Espanol Rapido ----------------- ¨Hablas a mi? = Are you talking to me? No creo tu hablar a mi = I don't think yur talk'n na me. Sabo no tu hablar a mi = I know you are not talking to me. 3. Other Various Phrases/Words ------------------------------ Ort = Stupid Monkey = Cool Duck = God Spam = Fruit of the Gods Chickenman = Some old guy who goes through dumpsters Ooo ooo ooo ah ah ah = Great mating call Teuchalatatiteez = The Great Monkey God If you wish to increase your annoyance skills, please write Malakai at the following address: Malakai@cloud.com Remember, postage is now like 31 or 32 cents. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Poems by Aquarius Oooh, Oooh ---------- oh no they're coming what shall i do? shall i play my kazoo? should i go to the zoo? should i take a poo? will you too? in 2002? after making beef stew? This has become quite tiresome. Your Eyes --------- Your eyes. They are so beautiful. I could stare at them all day. Full of love. Curiosity. Knowledge. Secrets. But the optic nerve sticking out of the back of them is pretty disgusting. I wonder who the hell they came from? Tokens ------ Headin' to the arcade Gonna play some vids Heading over to Arkanoid I insert a coin But NO! It uses TOKENS! Sorrow.......despair Tokens....why why why Please no tokens Quarters Doesn't anyone care? The token machine Pinnacle of evil. Car Wash Attendant ------------------ Who weeps for the car wash attendant? When he's alone? Who weeps for the car wash attendant? When he gets wet? Who weeps for the car wash attendant? When people drop their dollar bill onto the ground? Vigilant and proud, You can yell but he won't get loud. Quietly accepts money from you Your car MUST be free of bird doo. We must all weep. His pain is ours. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A Day in the life of Monty the Python My snake's point of view from Platinum Ego Well today started out relatively normal... the sun came up all at once nearly blinding me again at the same time this weird noise started. I heard someone groan and then there was a crash and the weird noise stopped. I slithered out of my box to hunt for mice again but to my dismay, there were none in my little 5 by 2 foot kingdom. So I did what any self-respecting member of the reptile kingdom would do: I fell asleep in the sun for 8 hours. I woke up when I heard something slam, and then that box in the corner of the room started flashing the little lights again. Up above, the sky opened up and that big warm tree picked me up. I love these big warm trees, I just wish they wouldn't move around so much. I curled around the top part really tightly to get as warm as I could. The tree started making weezing sounds and struggled a lot, but it eventually stopped. Anyway, I went off to hunt for mice again... I couldn't find any. What I did find were a lot more of those warm moving trees, but I was warm enough so I just left them alone. That black furry thing with legs that doesn't like me went to this place called "outside" a lot, I hear the word every time the invisible wall opens. I got to wondering what was so wonderful about this outside place anyway, so I followed it through the invisible wall. The first thing I saw was a lot of wood on the ground. I couldn't even see the dirt there was so much of it. I went out looking for mice again... I found a really big one with a furry tail. So I hid in the bushes for a while till it got really close and I bit it and wrapped around it and suffocated it. Then came the fun part. It was too big to eat... So I carried it back to the "inside" place and got up on one of the high places in the "kitchen" place. I saw the big warm trees put things into a big invisible cup that makes a lot of noise, so I decided to try it. I put the big fuzzy mouse in a big invisible cup and pushed a button and it made a loud noise and there was red stuff everywhere and when I looked back at the mouse, it was gone. Just a lot of red liquidy stuff. Then one of the big warm trees came into the room so I hid. It said "Hey who made tomato juice?" and drank all the red stuff... That was mine! oh well... Maybe tomorrow I'll eat, snakes can go months between meals. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- (Editors Note - In response to new legislation requiring equal space, coverage, and facilities for the stupid, we have included the following article) THE TEN RULES OF MORON-HOOD AS SOME OF YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW, I HAVE HAD MANY YEARS EXPERIENCE ACTING LIKE A MORON ONLINE, SO I HAVE DECIDED TO PASS THIS EXPERIENCE ON TO OTHERS IN SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO CALL A PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT ANOTHER T-FILE. HERE'S TO ALL YOU FELLOW MORONS OUT THERE! FIRST RULE: YOU MUST LEAVE CAPS LOCK ON.. IF YOU DO NOT, YOU WILL NOT BE SPEAKING SO PEOPLE CAN READ YOU, SO YOU WILL NOT BE LISTENED TO. IF YOU HAVE NO CAPS LOCK KEY OR IT IS STUCK DOWN BY STICKY THINGS JUST PUT A LARGE HEAVY OBJECT ON THE SHIFT KEY. SECOND RULE: IF YOU KNOW PEOPLE ON THE BBS YOU ARE CURRENTLY ON AND YOU SEE THESE PEOPLE ONCE OR MORE PER WEEK YOU MUST GO INTO THE GENERAL MESSAGES OR EQUIVELANT MESSAGE BASE AND POST A MESSAGE SAYING HI TO THOSE PEOPLE, BUT IT CANNOT EXCEED 10 WORDS, OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE MAKING IT TOO LONG AND COMPLEX FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELF TO READ, SO THEN YOU WILL NOT BE LISTENED TO AGAIN. THIRD RULE: TRY AND TALK ABOUT PIRACY AND ANARCHY EVERYWHERE. YOU MUST GO INTO THE MESSAGE BASES AND POST ADS FOR 3LŒt3 BBS'S AS WELL AS TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WISH AMERICA AND THE WORLD WOULD NOT HAVE ANY GOVERNMENT SO YOU CAN LOOK LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND THEN HAVE EVERYONE REPLY TO YOU AND PROVE YOU WRONG, THIS WAY, YOU KNOW PEOPLE ARE LISTENING TO YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE RESPONDING TO YOUR MESSAGES. FOURTH RULE: IF THERE ARE X-RATED GIFS ON THIS BBS, DOWNLOAD THEM ALL, GETTING FILE POINTS OR RATIO ETC'S BY UPLOADING LARGE TEXT FILES THAT ARE 1 MEG THAT GOT THAT BIG BY HOLDING DOWN THE T KEY FOR AN HOUR. IF THERE ARE NOT ANY YOU MUST PESTER THE SYSOP ABOUT THEM SAYING THAT HE MUST BE A FAG BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY X-RATED GIFS OF GIRLS OR ANYTHING ON THE BBS. FIFTH RULE: YOU MUST POST ABOUT VIRUII AND UPLOAD SOME VIRUII TO THE BBS SO THAT THE BBS CAN BECOME COOL. WITHOUT VIRUII, THE BOARDS SUCK, WITH THEM YOU KNOW THAT THEY WILL BE SAFE AND YOU'LL KNOW YOU'LL NEVER GET A VIRUS ON ACCIDENT SIXTH RULE: YOU MUST SAY THINGS THAT ARE TOTALLY STUPID, YOU WILL SAY ONE WORD ANSWERS THAT WILL LEAVE THE POSTERS GUESSING! THIS WAY YOU KNOW YOU ARE ENHANCING THE LIVES OF OTHERS BY MAKING THEM THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR POSTS REALLY MEAN. YOU ARE PAVING THE WAY FOR A CLEANER, SMARTER, CYBERSPACE. SEVENTH RULE: E-MAIL AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN ASKING STRANGE AND STUPID QUESTIONS AND TALKING ABOUT ONLINE GAMES, ATTEMPTING TO GET THEM TO PLAY THEM AND BE ON YOUR TEAM AND SUCH AND SUCH SO THAT YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. IF THEY REJECT, THEY OBVIOUSLY ARE FUCKED IN THE HEAD SO YOU WANT TO PUT ON ALL YOUR ELITE BLACK-LISTS THAT SO-AND-SO IS SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CALL THE ELITE BOARD BECAUSE THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY MORONS. EIGHTH RULE: IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOUR SYSOP HATES AND YOU KNOW ABOUT IT, YOU MUST POST THIS IN EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE BASE YOU CAN THINK OF TO POST IT IN. THIS WILL ENSURE THAT THE SYSOP GETS OVER THIS HATRED OF THE PARTICULAR THING BECAUSE HE IS FORCED TO DEAL WITH IT. AND THIS GOES TO PROVE AGAIN YOU HAVE HELPED HUMANITY, ONE STEP AT A TIME. NINTH RULE: IF THERE IS A BBS YOU WANT TO ADVERTISE FOR, YOU WILL POST IT IN EVERY BASE! THIS WILL MAKE SURE PEOPLE WILL HEAR YOU, I MEAN, IF THERE'S A 15% CHANCE THEY'LL CALL AFTER SEEING ONE ADD, AND THERE'S 5 BASES ON THE SYSTEM, IF YOU PUT IT UP ONCE IN EACH BASE, THAT'LL BE A 95% CHANCE OF THEM CALLING! ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL! MATH WORKS INTO ALL THIS TOO! TENTH RULE: YOU SHOULD SPEND ALL OF YOUR TIME ONLINE. IF YOU HAVE 3 HOURS, TRY AND USE THE FULL 3 HOURS. THE SYSOP GIVES YOU 3 HOURS SO YOU CAN USE IT, NOT SO IT SITS AROUND AND IS NOT USED AT ALL! GOOD PLACES TO STAY ONLINE ARE THE T-FILES, ONLINE GAMES, AND LISTING OF FILES. YOU CAN DO THESE OVER AND OVER AGAIN SO THAT YOU REMEMBER WHERE EVERY SINGLE THING IS LOCATED, SO YOU CAN IN TURN HELP USERS OUT LATER WELL, IF YOU FOLLOW THESE 10 RULES OF MORON-HOOD, WITHIN 2 DAYS YOU WILL BECOME A MORON! I HOPE THAT YOU ENRICH THE LIVES OF OTHERS WITH THESE NEW SKILLS YOU HAVE LEARNED! AND REMEMBER, NEVER STOP LEARNING! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- More Short Stories by Aquarius The Broken Printer Samuel Yartley had a broken printer. No matter what he tried, it would not print a single letter. He took it to the nearest service center and asked if it could be fixed. "Yes." said the repairperson. "How much and how long?" said Samuel. "Around $75 and probably four weeks since we'll have to send it out." replied the repairperson. "Oh, O.K." said Samuel as he handed over the printer. Samuel and the repairperson stood there for a little bit, waiting for the narrator to return from the restroom. When he came back, he had forgotten how the story was supposed to end and that I was telling my story from the wrong perspective. Collecting Stamps Is A Fun And Enjoyable Hobby Ron enjoyed collecting stamps. It was fun to look at all the different stamps from around the world and then paste them in the correct spot in his book. Once in a while he would go the post office and get some brand-new stamps! Shut up. What A Cretin Albert was overweight. He wished he could just look like all the other kids. One day Albert decided to change his life. He began jogging, excercising, and eating all the right foods. After two years of this he looked at himself in the mirror and saw that he was still as fat as ever. Disbelieving, he weighed himself. The scale still showed 290! He hadn't lost a pound. Two days later he died of hunger. Time Travel Dr. Porters had done it! The time machine was finished! At last, he could finally become the first person to travel through time! He got into the time machine and set the controls for 1908. The moment of truth had arrived... he reached forward and pulled the lever to activate the hypo-drive. Unfortunately, Dr. Porters was only hallucinating. He is really a ferris-wheel operator at your local carnival. As he stepped out of what he thought was his time machine, his lab coat got caught in the ferris-wheel motor. Dr. Porters was mangled beyond recognition. As the paramedics took away what was left of his body, the ferris-wheel timewarped back to the year 1908, a land of mystery, intrigue, and... DINOSAURS. (to be continued in Time Travel ][) Alternate Family Circus We all hate Family Circus and its unrealistic cheerful family portrayals. Here are some alternate captions, I think you can picture the actual drawing fairly easily... 1. "Daddy, I liked how you spanked me that time!" 2. "Was the mailman in Mommy's bed because he was tired?" 3. "Why are you kissing Daddy down there?" 4. "I HATE ALL YOU FUCKING KIDS." 5. "Dolly had a headache so she ate all Mommy's pills!" 6. "Will Jeffy's arm grow back like a starfish?" 7. "Gramma won't wake up!" 8. "So the integral of that parabola factors into an acceleration curve?" 9. "Why was Daddy snorting the powdered sugar instead of eating it?" 10. "How do we know Grampa isn't in hell?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ****Social Awareness Corner!**** "The Invasion Of The Giant Chia Pets From Mars." OR "Anti-Chia Crusade '95" - By Razorline The Chia Pet. Totally harmless. Water it. Watch it grow. Fun for the whole family. Right? WRONG. THE CONSPIRACY It's all a conspiracy. How else would such a cheap company afford to show so many cheap commercials at every time of the day. Ok, so they don't anymore. But they used to. It's because their conspiracy has begun. Their plot has started. The time bomb has been activated. WHAT CONSPIRACY? Ah, yes. What conspiracy indeed. Brilliantly planned. Brilliantly executed. No one would suspect a thing. Until it was too late. The poor, unsuspecting housewife, with her 2.3 kids, currently popular breed of dog, husband making the current average income of $55,000 grand a year, and her nice, domestic two-story brown and white brick house, was doomed. And there was nothing she could do. The conspiracy was perfect. Who would have suspected. Yes, who indeed. WHAT CONSPIRACY, ALREADY?!?!? The conspiracy of World Domination. Yes, that's right. World Domination. Watch them grow. Yes. Watch them grow. But once they've started, who's going to make them stop? You water them. They grow. Water. Grow. Water. Grow. Soon, they've reached the perfect size advertised on the TV. But do they stop there? Nope. You don't have to water them. Watch them grow. And grow. And grow. WHEN WILL IT ALL END??? WHEN WILL IT ALL END??? WHEN *WILL* IT ALL END? It would end when the Chias have complete control over the world as we know it. When the world is thrown into anarchy. When we are but slaves here to cater to their every whim. The Chias have come, not from a science lab, but from Mars. Yes, that's right. Mars. The Invasion Of The Giant Chia Pets From Mars. They forced the television producers to run their ads. It's all a huge conspiracy, right up to the big cheeses up in Fox. The Chias Rule Them All. Who would have suspected. WHAT CAN I DO TO STOP THIS INVASION OF THE GIANT CHIA PETS FROM MARS? I WANT TO HELP! Ah, good. You want to help. You CAN help. That's right. You can help save the world from the Chias. Join the Anti-Chia Crusade. We attack the television stations that promote the buying of Chia Pets. We attack Chia Pet factories. We destroy Chia Pets wherever they may be found. We burn them at the cross. The only way to kill them. They are immortal but to fire when burned upon a cross. Join us. Save the world. Destroy The Chia Pets. For more info, write: Farmer Bob's Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies* PO Box 123 Santa Ana, California !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *It's an alias. The Chias have spies throughout the postal service, you know. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- (Editors Note - The following is a true story. Proceed with caution. Also, all characters and products in the following article are fictional. Any resemblance to real people, events, or soft drinks is entirely coincidental. If you can suspend your disbelief long enough to ignore the fact that the first two statements contradict each other, you're our kind of reader!) "The Hiss Of Success" by Oregano John wasn't the kind of person who would have noticed the special sound. One day after a long hours at the office, filing folders and writing memos, John opened a can of Pepsi and his world changed. The crunch of metal tearing apart from metal fed his need for violence, the crisp sound, the can forever disfigured, ripped open with leveraged force. Then a spurt, liquid turned to gas in a sudden rush of pressure, forced out by freed carbon dioxide. Spurt. The release let John release all his tension, he was carried away to a a soft world of carmel color, floating on a cloud of carbonated bubbles. He just listened as the gas fizzled up through the cold Pepsi, fizz dancing on the surface, he felt he was dancing along with it, stepping from bubble to bubble, ready to dive into pleasure. John licked his lips and pressed them against the cold can, he tilted back the can till the opener-ring pressed gently against his nose; he let the elixer flow to his mouth, bathing his tongue in flavors too rich for this world. Still the best part was over, though he was refreshed fully, he still felt a loss after the can was opened, the first bit of violence was over. It was the tearing of metal, and the *pfft* that the Pepsi gave so willingly that excited John. He gulped down the entire contents of the can and then opened another, just to hear the sound of its music. If only he could do this more often. The next day he found himself opening more cans than he could drink. After the release of opening them, he'd offer them to his co-workers. They were suspicious, but they watched him carefully and saw no tampering and wrote it off as John having a new relationship. There would have to be a better way to satiate this need, the soda from the machine was expensive. The newspaper found a solution, he could work at a party as a bartender's assistant. He called up and came in for an interview, they responded to his enthusiasm with a special deal, he would be in charge of soft drinks at an upcoming party. One evening a few days later found John in a tux, behind him were 17 cases of Pepsi (the partygoer's favorite.) Excitement welled up in John's heart, he readied himself for the evening by taking out a can, and ever so slowly pulling back the metal tab. A hiss escaped, and kept on going. Slow. He was careful and the hiss lasted almost 30 seconds. He saw the top of the can sink, like a boxer letting out his air after landing the big punch, the can deflated under the pull of John's finger. Finally the air was out, a little Pepsi floated around the ring defined by the lip of the can. John then pulled harder and listened to the crackling of the punch-top separating. A wave of relief washed over him, he was ready. A paunchy red-head came up to the bar and asked for a Pepsi, John took a can off the top and popped it open, enjoying every nuance of the sound. He filled a plastic cup with round ice cubes and poured the drink. The red-head smiled and thanked John as she curtsied away. Others soon followed as the party picked up steam. A can here and a can there, but John was on the ball and opened the cans with great care. The noise started to pick up and things moved just a bit faster. He opened can after can, but still got a tingle from each one. The band picked up its tempo, and the sound guy who had been dozing through the first part of the party, woke from some trance and turned up the volume. John then had difficulty hearing the rush of Pepsi as it broke out of the can, but he kept plugging away, the night was young and he was happy. Can after can was opened and excitement passed through him. The music picked up, louder faster. Dancers, drained from the furious pace came off the dance floor dripping sweat, their pallets screaminng for Pepsi. John tried to keep up, but the demand was too great, he opened cans as fast as he could, still not fast enough, he opened them two at a time, still the crowd ached for more. The Pepsi cans tormented his hands, his vice was biting him back, the Pepsi cans were like metal dogs chewing at his fingers, the spurts roaring out derision with each pull of the tab. The spray was like venom, cursing him for ever likeing the thrill. The crowd turned angry, they yelled at him for his slowness in filling orders. Someone threw a cherry (from a cup on the bar) and John tried to work faster, but the room was spinning and angry cans of Pepsi mocked him wherever he turned. A hand reached out from behind John and grabbed his shoulder, "That's enough, John, Renaldo will take over from here. Go home you've had a long night, this crowd is too much for you." Those waiting at the bar cheered, John was humilated. He tried to argue but the manager convinced him that it was for the best. He got his paycheck and drove home, careful to not touch anything with the raw flesh exposed from all the opening of cans. The next day dawned with beauty. John rolled out of bed and threw open the curtains. The sun was out in full force, children played baseball in the street. The night before John had no time for dinner, not even a break to get some water and now he was dying of thirst. In the refrigerator a can of Pepsi stared him down; in his mind he heard the crack crack of a can opening, like a child's leg bone breaking. He picked up the can anyway, it seemed to burn his hands, like a crucifix to a vampire. He bobbled the can and dropped it in the trash. "Enough of that," he thought and quenched his thirst with a nice tall glass of milk. (Editors Note - Alright, well, "true" is a highly subjective word...) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dystropia: Who Needs Titles When We've Got Each Other? by Midget Caesar Considering that it was a dark sort of house, and that it was crowded, and that there was no way out, and that there wasn't much food, and that something(s) smelled bad, and there were occasionally menacing cackles emanating from thin air, and that the plumbing wasn't quite working, and that no one much wanted to be there, and that the latest issue of Propaganda Unlimited was ridiculously late because its editor was locked inside the house too, and that the TV was having an identity crisis (it kept trying to toast bread, and broke down in humiliation at its repeated failure), and that no one much liked anyone else there, and that no one had brought a change of clothes, and that Vernon was late getting back to work, and that all the furniture and wallpaper was a weird sort of floral print, and that none of the rooms were really big enough to get a proper game of "duck-duck-goose" going, and that no one could seem to keep the sentences from running on to epic proportions, things were actually going rather well. Percy thought so, at least. Just about everyone else had become a raving lunatic to some degree. Devotees were constantly underfoot, hunting for Darius (who was quite sick of them by this point). For that reason, no one noticed when a couple of them disappeared..... (a light clicked on. Adam looked up. Maybe this secret passage could lead to something good? "Sit down, Adam." The voice was so firm and kind, Adam couldn't see any reason to resist. He didn't even get too annoyed when he found himself superglued to the chair. "Here, Adam. Eat this Jays [tm] potato chip." Adam ate it and smiled. What a nice guy he had found! If only the nice guy would step out of the shadows....Adam waited patiently for the next potato chip. After all, you can't just eat one Jays [tm] potato chip..... "Muahahahahhaha!" Adam realized that he wasn't going to get another potato chip. And then Adam went mad.) Vernon had taken to hanging himself upside down from the undersides of staircases and perching like a bat to go to sleep. He didn't want any of these people usurping his place as the 8th deadliest hunter in the world. In his caution, though, his boxers would ride up on him, and that would lose him just enough points in the hunters' ranking to drop him down to 9th place. Vernon wouldn't find this out until a little later, though. Around this point, Percy realized that he had never seen any of those paintings that people sometimes talk about that have dogs playing poker. People were gone, there was no doubt about it. Darius admittedly didn't do well in BC Calculus, but his devotees had all disappeared. Soon, Darius was the only one left. How different his outlook on things might have been had he only known that drinking 3 cups of %2 Milk is comparable to eating 9 strips of bacon! A general rule: Don't inhale anything that can inhale you back. The Entity reached over to scratch itself on the back, and found itself strangled in the excesses of the plot. Upon this, everyone was free. The Aphex Twins were nice enough to remix everything, and it came out something like this: "Hot cha." Amen. (stay tuned for....a miracle! of course, life is a miracle that we experience through the bounty of God, so stop reading this and convert you heathen child) ====================================================================== Afterword: "live free, drink Pepsi", but Pepsi costs money. one could begin to think they're only in it for profit. Anyways, if there actually is anyone who still recieves this magazine, I really am sorry about the delays in production. Submissions were nil for a few months, and it took so long to get enough that it's hard to get excited about any of this anymore. Do we have an audience left? I have no problem with talking to myself (ask any CTA employee), but I rarely type it out.... If you're still interested in PU (or just the idea of PU), email us! Get interactive! If you don't want to submit anything, at least just send feedback. And if you're a quid pro quo type, send along a GIF of your living room decor and we'll have our professional team critique it and send you back a nice reply. The future being uncertain, we'll have to skip the Coming Attractions. Hopefully by next issue we'll have Fear and Loathing as well as the magic (not the Magic [tm]) back. woop. MC ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Distribution List: (We Love Youse Guys) Club Evermore (HQ) 312-476-1508 Legion of the Undead (home of Cyberspace Live) 708-546-4605 the Obloid Sphere (home of STD - the *text* group, that is) 708-965-3098 Munden's Bar is temporarily offline. Patronize these boards! Don't give into the commercial services! They only want your money, we're doing it 'cause.....well, we're bored. but there's principle and everything. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Internet: PULETTERS@aol.com or mcfish@ripco.com and homepage: http://crh0003.urh.uiuc.edu/~grog/pu/pulist.html (temporarily offline, but keep trying!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you, and goodnight. (c) 1995 MangoJam '96 Productions, Inc. - all rights repressed ======================================================================