* / \ / \ / \ / \ /poupey 20\ /___________\ || || all i want for christmas is shoe (ascii by duck) A very poupey christmas story. THE SCENE: God is sitting in front of his computer, looking at porn and stroking his rod. A bottle of whiskey is in his hand. Michael, the goody two shoes angle, enters. Michael "Um.. god.. ah.." God "Can't you see I'm in the middle of something@!!!@" Michael "Well.. it's just.. you're a really lazy motherfucker. You haven't created anything good since Star Trek!!" God "I'm an artist, damnit, not a doctor!" Michael "Hah.. yeah.. one of those washed up artists who does nothing all day, and whenever someone harrasses them.. they--" God "Foolish imbecile! I have been creating like mad! My grand plan is coming to fruition!!! What is it... THE ELIMINATION OF REAL SEX!! Soon, all will become good christians, and only MASTURBATE! How have I accomplishes this?! INTERNET PORN! I created all of it! What.. you thought someone actually took pictures? My plan shall succeed.. the chosen ones are on the streets.. still, there ARE counter-factions.. and, um... I was just trying out some new material with the whole sitting around all day masturbating thing." Michael "And what about the whiskey bottle?" God "Ummmmmmmmmmmmm....." Michael "Ohh damn.. just give me fucking immortal life so you can torture me alot.. fucker.." Michael (with no face): "Dish rALLY ishn't funny!" Meanwhile, on earth.. A man wearing a white robe holding a picture of the pope masturbating walks through main-street. There is a hole in his robe, and he is shaking hands with Abe Lincoln busily. At the same time, he is flashing the picture to everyone he meets and saying "Pope? Popppeee.. pope!" Some good christians fall in line with him and start masturbating, while other just sneer. A few blocks away, there is another man, with a picture of Adolf Hitler butt-fucking a monkey. He shows it to everyone he meets, yelling: "HITLER! HITLER!" some sneer, but some fall in line behind him and begin humping a hole in his back. Pretty soon there is a kind of congo line going on, with the women on the side-lines, baking apple pies and washing dishes. They pass by the political science dept. of a local university, where a bunch of women are saying stuff such as "Your freedom ends where my feelings begin" and "Women DESERVE more then men! It's the only way to be fair!" Seeing the entorouge and realizing that if allowed to continue it could set womens rights right back to the twenties (note from nybar: yeah, 2020's. BWAHAHAHAHAHHA. I'm not a sexist damnit!), they pass out dildo's in female orgies) for men to strap behind them, so the women can join in also. Inevitably, the two parties meet. The man with the pope and the man with hitler stare at eachother. There is a huge tension in the room. Anyone who was ejaculating stops, thats just how much tension there was. Except for fat leon, he is incapable of controlling his ejaculation. How do you think I filled up my swimming pool? The pope man says "One." The Hitler man says "Two." They both say, "THREE" and draw their pictures (not with crayons you fookin' idjit.) Hitlers eyes burned into the Pope's, trying to win the contest by overpowering the pope's will. But the pope was to subtle to fall for this, and he tried the placid subversion technique, first pioneered by a bunch of penguins. It could have gone on for hours.. if a STEREOTYPICAL SCOTTISH POLICE GUY WALKED IN! He stroked his beard and said "Ah sae we have ourselves a little lawbreaking going on here aye?" and then drank alot of whiskey. Both of the pictures' frames shattered. Just goes ta show that the law is stronger then any religon. Damn I'm philisophical. "Some community service ye'll be a-servin'." "Fuck you lawman, gimme a cell! I'm used to prison, ever since I burned all of those innocent people at the stake and killed a bunch of arabs with a sword." replied the pope guy. "So YOU killed my brother!" said the Hitler guy "ohh yeah.. don't take it out." The community service film station, 5 years later A bunch of convicts are trying to make a film. The set is a kitchen with a pan on the stove-top. The Hitler Guy, on the camera, takes out an egg. He then says "This is your brain." He smashes it, pours it into the pan, and says: "This is your brain on drugs." The Camera-Police officer: "You idiot, the stove isn't on!!" Take 2 The Pope Guy grabs the egg, says "This is your brain." smashes it, then pours it into the pan. "This is your.. OW my hand!@$#!@$ STUPID FUCKING STOVE TOP! TURN DOWN THE FUCKING HEAT!" Take 3 The Hitler Guy grabs the egg, says "This is your brain." smashes it, pours it into the pan, where it sizzles, and says: "This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?" The pope guy : "Yeah, can I have coffee with that?" The police camera-man "hehehehe." The Hitler guy "Hey, have you no respect for the law?!" : "Maybe I haven't!" : "Do you want a Jihad, god boy?!" : "That's what us christians love to hear; someone ELSE starting a senseless war!" : "OUR SEMEN SHALL FLOW INTO THE NON-BELIEVERS!!! They.... think.. MASTURBATION.. is better then anal sex!!" : Jesus "I think I know how to end this!" The pope guy : "I knew he was hung, but wheeewee.." Jesus "Jerk me off and aim what cum's out at the non-believers!!!" A little erect christian boy named billy "But.. unky jesus, isn't it a crime to jerk someone else off?" Jesus "Why, no little billy! A circle jerk is far removed from penetration!" Billy "But.. what about.. oral sex?" Jesus "Umm.. shut up and jerk me off." After masturbating jesus for a while, the Pope guy gets a bright idea, and throws a roll of 100 dollar bills into jesus' face. This extra stimulation is more then enough to drive him over the edge, and he shoots his load in slow motion.. : "Ohhhhhhhh... ShITTTTTTTT! Weeee neeed aaa sluuuutttt." : "Hey how ya' doin'?" Jesus "Hah, you think I've been stopped? I have a whole eternity of sexual frustration to make up for! Good thing daddy found a roundabout contradictory way to let me and him masturbate.." -------------------------------- jesus moans as metalchic slowly mounts him like a seal in heat. his 20' holy rod fills her buttery tunnel completely. she screams in eXXXtasy as his papal penis pistons in and out of her slimy entrance. metalchic slipped her tounge into jesus's mouth as the slowly and sensously fucked. slowly jesus picked up the pace as he approached climax. this was the first time metalchic had ever been completely "filled up" and it felt wonderful. it was also the first time jesus had had sex without ripping the girl apart. -interlude- "are they going to finish soon? we have a war to fight." -end interlude- "i think i'm cumming!!!" screamed jesus as he franticly fucked metalchic, "me too!" she screamed. in an explosion of noise and sweat they climaxed at the same time. it was the best fuck of their lives. ------------------------------ Back to Jihad guys: Hitler guy "So.. how do they pick the pope?" Pope Guy "They compare." Hitler Guy "Oh. Who's the pope now?" Pope Guy "Some person named fat leon I think. He used to fill up pools around here." Hitler Guy "I remember him! He's supposed to be a satanist I thought. How did he get the water do you think?? Must have been pretty expensive.." Pope Guy "Oh, he didn't use water.." Pope Guy "So.." "How was your no longer sinful fuck?" Jesus "I believe, the cum speaks for itself." Jesus "That's enough, don't want to drown us! hahahah!!!" Hitler guy "I guess, since you've had sex now, we can both see the common ground.. and.. like.. be friends, just like good earth children are supposed to, huh?" Pope Guy "Why of course! I was just about to say the same thing to you! hehehe!!" Pope Guy "And so christians' do unto their enemas, I mean, shit.. Enemies, definately, enemies." Jesus "Why.. what an odd remark. Those guns must have gone off by accident. That's a message to the kids, don't mess with your dad's gun. And keep off them drugs." "Keey this world safe and clean!" : "I guess that was.. kinda.. a community service video.. but what about the big holy war, the sex and the death?" Jesus "Oh, that part was real.. but you must admit it had a good ending." Did you find enlightenment in this story? A short survey. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior? [Y/N] If you answered yes, then you are on the sure-fire track to salvation! You simply have to masturbate while reading the bible once a day (or once a week for those over 75 or under 3), spread around your delusions, and openly admit to lying, and then defend yourself. Before you know it, you will die, and you'll find out you were wrong and not to believe everything you read in this `zine. And now, a slightly less informative story: Freud, with one of his colleagues, investigated two wierd theories: Both men and women being bi-sexual, and the realtion between the female genitals and the nose (pheramones). Both are correct. FIN And now some stories I wrote.. um.. for.. jubjub. -Nybar ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- aaah vommitedi inn the toylet, being dronk is KOHL! - by Jubjub (the unreleased conclusion) Ohg, ah woke up from my dream with a sore dick with red spots on it, and a little brown. Then a big russian guy hugged me. Let this be a lesson: always use lube and a condom. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "a toilet diary" -mogel 11/14 that green thing on the toilet. like, what the fuck is that? i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. but i intend to find out. 11/15 i'm looking at the green thing on the toilet very closely now. it's extremely green. it has white and grey spots on it. sometimes i think i see it moving when i stare at it too long, but it might just be my imagination. this fucking thing is gross. 11/16 today i took a small piece of the green thing on the toilet to my biology teacher at school. i gave it to him. he said, "my, that's curious!" and he took it from me. i wonder what he will say. 11/17 today i was going to the bathroom and i noticed that the green thing on the toilet has been growing in size. perhaps this thing is some sort of very odd dirt that is somehow collecting on my toilet. it seems rather large for dirt, though. 11/18 today the green thing on the toilet pulsated. i saw it. i think i should take it off my toilet soon. 11/19 today i talked to my biology teacher. he told me that the small piece of the green thing on the toilet vanished. that is strange. 11/20 today the green thing on the toilet started to talk to me. it said, "what's with these people?" -- i was confused. "what's with these asses?" it said. i asked the green thing on toilet, "excuse me?" and it said, "where do these people come from? what's with these butts?" suddenly, the green thing on the toilent transformed into JERRY SEINFELD. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ People who have sucked my dick-----by Nybar Eeerie Jubjub Mogel Pixie Metalchick Stagger Lee Henry Lee Any other Lee's in murder ballads. Murmur That bastard Skinhorse. Hooker Mogel's Dad. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The trix bunny happily hoppily hopped along, forever scheming to steal trix cereal. Then, he came upon a little cottage. He opened the door without knocking, and saw a voodoo witch. Voodoo Witch : "I know why you come." Rabbit "--" Voodoo Witch "Not that kind of come you sick pervert rabbit! No WONDER all those metaphors speak of rabbits." 2 hours, later, mogel's trix cereal went non-crunchy in his milk. Coincidence? I think not. Voo-doo is at work. He ate some cap'n crunch instead. by: anonomyous. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- And god smiles upon us earth children, it is christmas. The OTHER pagan hollyday. amen. eof. sucker. amen. can I get a halliluejyah? can I get a dictionary so I can SPELL hallelujah? well... CAN I?!?! read on to find the answer.. no (read on to see why) /yes (read on to see why) Woowoowoowoowoo I love cats man YEAH! Penis Enlarger. Penis Enlargers, this kind of thing IS my bag, baby. -By Jesus Pussy Diggers, this kind of thing IS my sack, baby. -Metalchick. Lets be honest, the file is over. sucker.