_________________________________________________________________________________ "How Could Hell Be Any Worse?" The zine created by and October 17/18, 1992 virtually maintained by ALL? NO, ALL!! #1 First issue! Oh The Kokomo MOD Crew. joy! Another zine! _________________________________________________________________________________ POINT OF THIS E-ZINE To cause awareness of the mighty ALL to the general public. If you know nothing of ALL or the Basemaster General, you are correct in reading this. STAFF: Wooden. Metal? Half a tree? Wizard's? What? I give. Seriously: Matt - head honcho of the whole thing, most ALLular (listened to Descendents for 2 years, ALL for 3 months). Can be reached at 2@13750 WWIVLink or 2@3173 VirtualNet. Net - Trent Reznor of Indiana: one of his MODs won the America Online MOD contest, summer of '92. Co-member of Count Zero, along with Matt. Thinks Matt is a complete freak. Neuro - organizer of the Kokomo MOD Crew, which is himself and Count Zero. Only recently set on the path to ALL (this summer), Neuro has learned much, but not ALL about ALL. His BBS, the Matrix, (317) 455-0165, is an invaluble asset to the Kokomo area, and to some who call from far away. 1@13750 WWIVLink, 1@3173 VirtualNet. INFLUENCES: Descendents/ALL (duh) NIN Ministry *** BIG BLACK *** <-- my personal favorite industrial band The Replacements (Twin/Tone era) Fugazi Too Much Joy The Spooners Black Flag ("Damaged" era, Matt influence only) Being really pissed off at women Being rejected by women Wanting to take hold of a blowtorch and kill everyone (CZ's "The Blowtorch Song") Matt's attempts to prove the non-existence of love Denial of love, renouncement imminent Alberich and the Ring of the Nibelung Odin and Thor Milo and Otis Milo Bloom Milo Aukerman Asking people why Aukerman left the Descendents Asking people if Tony Lombardo is still alive Hating metal (Matt and Net) Hating Halloween and the stupid traditions Trying to score a hit from Steve Albini Opus Bill The Cat (for his intellectual qualities) Steve Albini himself for hating everything Bad Religion for our credo A lot of other things ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR ALL? NO, ALL! ISSUE #1: ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1.1 ................... Greetingage 1.2 ................... Slam List 1.3 ................... Reviews 1.4 ................... Mistakes We Have Made 1.5 ................... How To Just Say No, Thank You, You Scum 1.6 ................... Why? 1.7 ................... Can You Ski? 1.8 ................... ALLularity 1.9 ................... Milo Aukerman's Corner 1.10 ................... Goodbyeage 1.1 Greetingage Hi. This is Matt. This is so much fun. Well, it will be when we start typing things that actually make sense. This zine started from the ashes of another trap I set for myself, so let's ALL enjoy it at my expense. So. There's this girl I wanted to date. I swear.. I'm going to bloody give up soon. On dating at ALL. I no longer care enough to put myself through it. Bloody pointless waste of time, scrabbling over trying to impress a girl JUST long enough for her to divert her attention to some subhuman prep school grad, who invariably wears what he thinks is a cool sweater. Goddamn bunch of clones, the lot of them. If it's always going to be this way (why not? has been continually so far), then to hell with it. Anyway. She and I talk for about a week, then I take the dive of calling her. Big thing with me, calling girls. I fear the phone sometimes. So, I gather my courage to call. I call, we talk for ten minutes, I'm doing fine. Then she says something about some dude, and I ask about him. Guess just what the hell she said. Guess. I'll bloody tell you what she said: "Oh, he's my boyfriend." I was proud of myself to no end. I kept my cool, and, without missing a beat, replied, "Oh. Cool!" and kept talking. I don't even think she realized that I liked her, which is both relieving and depressing. After blasting S.O.D.'s live album for an hour, I felt slightly better. Then after I ripped hell out of my room for awhile, I felt better than before. I'm still pissed at myself for wasting both my time and hers, but oh well. I'm such a fool. I bought ALL's new album, _Percolator_, today. I don't feel like hearing it right NOW, however.. hopefully before the night's over. Right before I began typing this all up, I was working on a new MOD. Loud, brutal, and unforgiving.. I guess it's what I'm subconsciously trying to be. I've devised a new motto for my half of the CZ/Kokomo MOD Crew MODs (I may .GIF this): "Brutal Music From A Brutal Person." Better than "Cows Go Moo." Even "Cats Have Fur And I Don't" is better than "Cows Go Moo." Enjoy the damn issue, I didn't. 1.2 Slam List Today, as you go through your daily life, keep in mind that these things and people are worthy of scorn: Life Pretty girls that don't like you Ugly girls that do The Pixies Top 40 Radio AOR Radio Any damn kind of radio Paul Westerberg Joe McCarthy's ghost fIREHOSE Women that fake orgasms in crowded restaurants Mornings you wake up in a pool of snot/puke/blood Mornings you wake up at all The Pixies Joy Division Rap Fraternities/Sororities/Other Savage Xenophobic Cliques People that take S.O.D. seriously People that take ANYTHING seriously The KKK Fascists Buster Poindexter The Pixies Mindless people that must be told what to do and when to do it Eccentric college professors ANY college professors, except those cool ones that you actually learn from Body Count (not because of the controversy, but because they're not that great a band) People that worship Ian MacKaye People that worship ANYTHING BBSers that don't have a clue as to what the hell they're doing Arrogant people Non-arrogant people Any person that pisses you off Any person that pisses ME off People that breathe really loud Churches Puking Being in love School The government Rednecks Lame music stores Indiana (Did I mention the Pixies?) 1.3 Reviews SOUNDS: (Note: None of these are necessarily new. Live with it.) Chris Mars, _Horseshoes and Hand Grenades_ ------------------------------------------ I don't give a damn what anyone says about this album; it is a work of ART. No wonder Westerberg threw Mars out of the 'Mats (which was just before the band broke up.. duh).. he was afraid of being eclipsed by Mars. Mars can equal Westerberg's writing prowess, no problem. He also has musical diversity in his effluvia than Paul has had in his entire body in the last few years. From rockers like "Popular Creeps" and "Ego Maniac" (both of which possibly tributes to Westerberg) to slower tunes like "Don't You See It", Mars evokes a wide range of emotions in the listener. From contempt for the arrogant stars of "Popular Creeps" to pity for "Don't You See It"'s misguided subject, the feelings are powerful, indeed. There are some problems: Mars isn't necessarily a better singer than Westerberg; he rather sounds like Eddie Money at times. Some of the songs sound VERY similar.. one would think they're almost the same one. But, these can be overlooked, as it's just an excursion into Chris' mind. (released on Smash Records) Sugar, _Copper Blue_ -------------------- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Don't waste your money. Bob Mould was better with Hsker than with this lame-ass band. And Bob STILL can't sing worth a damn. It was cool in 1984, not so cool now, however. (released on Rykodisc) ALL, _Trailblazer_ (live album) ------------------------------- Steadfastly holding to the ALLular traditions of coffee, food, and girls, ALL blast their way into New York's CBGB's on this '88 live recording (didn't I say that none of these would be new?). Some songs are the only recorded accounts of new vocalist Scott Reynolds singing them, such as bassist Karl Alvarez's "Skin Deep" and "Hate To Love", and drummer Bill Stevenson's "Just Perfect". "Skin Deep" and "Hate To Love" are too heart-felt not to be derived from some true experience; "Skin Deep" is about being attracted by a woman's outer charms, and finding that she lacks anything inside, while "Hate To Love" is simply about being rejected and agonizing over it. Reynolds' "Box", which would, at first glance, appear to be a song about a homeless person, has some reALLy cool talk breaks in the middle, where Stephen Egerton's guitar gets partiALLy dischordant, and somewhat metALLic. Another couple of standouts are live versions of Stevenson's "She's My Ex" and Tony Lombardo's "Man-O-Steel". Things are closed out appropriately with the Descendents' "Theme" rewritten by its original author, Lombardo (who is NOT a member of ALL), called "Gnutheme". Egerton's guitar cooks on this one. A FINE album. (released on Cruz Records) ALL, _Percolater_ ----------------- Not the jazz-punk fusion I had feared. As a matter of fact, a DAMN good album. Not in your face kind of music, rather kind of fun. "Hotplate" is a dedication to an eatery of some sort and its owner, who Stevenson is apparently obsessed with. "Gnugear (Hot)" is a kind of stupid joke-like song about a guy that goes to buy new guitars and can't even tune one. "Minute" was musically my favorite.. key of E, some cool changes in that one. Also lyrically (kind of) fit my situation. I still miss Milo, but while Milo was more of a screamer, Scott Reynolds is actually a singer. But don't get me wrong, Milo eventually got better. (released on Cruz Records) BOOKS: Get real. We're based in *^&$%^$ing KOKOMO. Think about it. We have one real bookstore. And even that's in the state's scrubbiest mall. Sorry. Kokomo's half-life makes me reALLy aggro. SIGHTS: I haven't seen anything lately. Nothing really pertinent to the genre released here. Gee, what a surprise. Oops. Attack of the "I Hate Kokomo" syndrome again. 1.4 Mistakes We Have Made Matt - "The major mistake I made was wasting my time on that one chick and probably pissing her boyfriend off. Oh well, I'm taller than most everyone she knows, and I've probably seen her with him, so, BFD. I wish I was dead, though. But that's not why. I'm just sick of life. Maybe next ish will have Neuro or Net in charge. But, then again, as has been pointed out, suicide in Kokomo is redundant. We're dead already." Net - "Not getting a Pro Audio Spectrum instead of a Soundblaster at the start of summer." Neuro - "Not getting a loan from the bank for a 1 gig HD. Also not shutting Matt up about this stupid chick he keeps railing about. Matt: Move on!" 1.5 How To Just Say No, Thank You, Scum Grab the white, fat suburban P.O.S. by the starched collar of his Arrow shirt, or by the fabric of his cool sweater, and shake the bastard until he starts to cry and offer you money. Then, take your hand, fold 4 fingers inward toward the palm, and the thumb across that, and BEAT THE HOLY SHIT OUT OF THE LILY-WHITE LITTLE TEAM CAPTAIN PROM QUEEN LOVE SLAVE FROM ARMANI HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Suit-wearing little bastards had the damn things GRAFTED on at birth. No, I'm okay, I just need my medication. 1.6 Why? In this section, we attempt to answer the ALL-encompassing question: "WHY?" Let us ponder this one: "Why am I so bitter?" a) I was born that way? b) Satan put a curse on me? c) It's just because I'm a punk? d) Because women think they can use and exploit me freely and they're totally wrong because they're all a bunch of vain and self-centered bitches? (Well, not all of them, because I have a few female friends who are nice to me, which makes them okay.) e) All of the above? Shall we go with "e"? Yes, I think that we shALL. 1.7 Can You Ski? Somehow the jokes that knocked me on my ass an hour ago lose something after a drink or two. Maybe it's because alcohol is a depressant. Gee, that's a cool choice to drink when you're depressed. Most suicidals are alcoholics, I found out. I don't recall where or how I discovered this. Life sucks, and then you ski. Can you ski? Take this quick test to find out: 1. Do you have a sense of balance? a) Yes. b) No. c) Huh? d) Pittsburgh. 2. Do you know your name? a) Yes. b) No. c) Pat Sajak. d) Pittsburgh. 3. Can you use the word "dude" 12 times in a sentence? a) Yes. b) No. c) Dude. d) Pittsburgh. 4. Where do you live? a) St. Paul. b) Aspen. c) Mars. d) Boston. 5. Why do we have such a fascination with Pittsburgh? a) Because Satan is in disguise, living there in sin with Jessica Rabbit and Jim Morrison. b) I don't know. c) Okay, you're screwed up. d) Whatever. 6. Does Steve Albini wear a sock hat in the winter? a) Ah, but does he wear SOCKS? b) What? You make no sense. c) What does this have to do with skiing? d) No, he throws them, on fire, at Al Jourgensen. 7. Can a pissed-off teen be considered an explosive? a) No, but they make wonderful projectiles. b) I'm not answering any more of your damn questions. c) Get a life. d) Matt is a god. If you answered (b) to any questions, you can ski. If you answered (d) on #7, you have been blessed my me as a deity. If you answered (b) to #7, piss off! Don't be so damn hasty next time. It was the last question, moron. 1.8 ALLularity ALLularity, in one of its many forms, is coffee, food, and trying to fall in love. The latter disagrees with my mood for the moment, but ALL goes on. 1.9 Milo Aukerman's Corner Dear ALL? NO, ALL!! Readers, Hey, this is Milo, reporting from my hideaway of the last four years, Tupelo, Mississippi. The home of the grade-school Elvis, so I've been led to believe. I don't believe the stories about him being carted to school in a white van, while he was forced to listen to John Denver for a straight 4 hours before they could loose him on his teachers, however. I've not been called stupid yet in my life in Tupelo. It really pissed me off today.. went down to the store to try to find Bill's band's new release, and they told me they didn't carry devil music. I attempted to explain the concept of ALL (although I concede that I don't know it that well myself), and simply received a blank stare and a burning cross in my yard later that night for my generosity. But "devil music"? How ridiculous. An association made by a feeble mind. I wasn't (nor was Bill) nor would I EVER (Nor would Bill) be in a band that drank blood onstage or off. Blood is ALLular, but only if kept inside its container, i.e., the living body. We also didn't like the look of pentagrams. Looked too angular; we liked symbols to be softer, etc. But, via a 4-month long wait, I eventually obtained a copy of _Percolater_ from Cruz Records, direct. The postman gave me an odd look when he delivered the package, then ran away. I hate these people. I rather liked the album, although I wish they'd do some Descendents songs. But the past is the past. I wish I had more to do though.. gets boring in Tupelo. Well, I will leave you ALL to have an ALLular day. May your dreams become reality. Milo P.S. - One advantage to living in Tupelo.. I can get lost in a crowd so no one recognizes me. Sometimes I forget who the hell I am. Not. 1.10 Goodbyeage Well, we hope you enjoyed the first issue of ALL? NO! ALL!! Even if you didn't, there'll bloody well be another. Because we're young, we're pissed, and we're outspoken. Also, a good deal of the time, we're sober, so ALL the better. Be ALLular to each other. Matt, Net, and Neuro 1.11 Last Minute Additions I don't care what you do with this, as long as it's distributed. Any complaints with material? Direct them toward Matt. It's no one else's fault. Like an issue? Sned a note Matt's way, via WWIVLink or VNet. Sorry, no Internet or USEnet. *sob* I'm so sorry.. we are but a poor BBS community.. The size of this issue sucks. It should be MUCH larger. I guess I was just too pissed off. Oh well. Get used to it. We agree with Bad Religion's theory of "How could hell be any worse?" If you are an agnostic and want to write for us, contact us. If you are an atheist and want to write for us, contact us. If you are a fanatic and want to write for us... No. We want no radical viewpoints (except our own) given out. Next ish: A Listing of the Greatest Albums of ALL time. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Matt - 2@13750 WWIVLink "Baby, I want MORE!" ALL? NO, ALL!!!!! 2@3173 VNet "The ezine from hell" Neuro - 1@13750 WWIVLink "If I had a blowtorch..." October 17/18, 1992 1@3173 VNet Net - Sorry, I just didn't know. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-