============================================================================ ********* *** *** ****** ********* *** *** *** * *** *** *** *** ** *** ********* ******* *** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** *** ** *** he *** *** umus *** ** eport THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s. Issue 013, Vol III #04 copyright (c) March 1992 caren park chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff all rights reserved, and any/all applicable legal rigamarole ============================================================================ February 1992: The month the president of the US would like to forget. The month his Republican competitor (Pat "I'm Not a Journalist") Buchanan set fire to his (President Bush) cojones by saying he (President Bush) was politically barely to the left of Hitler and not worthy of the office. The month when Buchanan was accused of consorting with/being "a journalist," with all the "liberal" baggage contained therein. The month when 30+% of South Dakota Republicans decided to give their vote of confidence to "None of the Above." The month that five major Democratic candidates stumbled over each other attempting to find "electability." March 1992: When we probably find out which of the candidates will still be "electable." When it's entirely possible the US electorate will finally decide that only the stupid would vote for "any of the above." We would like to thank cartoon artists and writers, your everyday news gathering agencies, idiots, biblical scholars and dieters everywhere, and the United States Executive Branch for making it exceptionally easy to find good fertilizings... So, without further adieu, on with the show... ============================================================================ "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..." ============================================================================ The fundamental problem with program maintenance is that fixing a defect has a substantial (20-50 percent) chance of introducing another. So, the whole process is two steps forward and one step back - Frederick P Brooks, Jr, "The Mythical Man-month" - ============================================================================ Are YOU a CHOCOHOLIC? Take this easy quiz and find out! 1. Do you consider chocolate one of the 4 basic food groups? Yes/No 2. Do you lie awake at night worrying about a potential world chocolate shortage? Yes/No 3. Do you buy chocolate chips, claiming they're for baking purposes, yet never actually bake? Yes/No 4. Have you been known to dab chocolate syrup on your pulse points in lieu of cologne? Yes/No -*-*-*- DIETING UNDER STRESS This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. BREAKFAST 0.5 grapefruit 1.0 slice whole wheat toast 8.0 oz skim milk LUNCH 4.0 oz lean broiled chicken breast 1.0 cup steamed spinach 1.0 cup herb tea 1.0 oreo cookie MID-AFTERNOON SNACK rest of oreos in package 2.0 pints rocky road ice cream 1.0 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts cherries, whipped cream DINNER 2.0 loaves garlic bread with cheese 1.0 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 1.0 large pitcher of beer 3.0 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars LATE EVENING SNACK 1.0 frozen Sarah Lee Cheesecake eaten directly from freezer DIET TIPS 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, the calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Food used for medicinal purpose NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate brandy, toast, and Sarah Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain NO calories. The process of breakage causes caloric leakage. 8. Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: Peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color ============================================================================ The press says, "Why are you always playing teenagers?" I'm nineteen. What am I supposed to do? Play a judge? - Winona Ryder - ============================================================================ If the Bible is to remain a living document, it must be periodically brought up-to-date to reflect the social and economic realities of contemporary life. We have already been given the New English Bible, and now a new edition is being prepared for the American businessman, edited and written in living business prose. The following excerpt is from Genesis: The Lord endowed man with sole proprietorship over the Garden of Eden, but with one legal restriction: "This is a free, competitive market," the Lord told man, "and all commodities are available for consumption, with the exception of the seasonal production of the Tree of Knowledge which, if consumed, advertently or inadvertently, will lead to consequences, the seriousness of which cannot be too greatly emphasized." Then the Lord, in executive session, decided: "Man is a socioeconomic creature whose standard of living is currently geared to the primitive subsistence level. Furthermore, as a lone operator he is handicapped by the absence of a free exchange of market information and by the lack of personal incentives." The Lord therefore initiated a research and development program that soon produced the hardware which was to revolutionize agriculture. From his laboratories poured birds and beasts of every conceivable make and model. This developmental achievement was capped with a surgical operation that must inevitably place His name alongside those of Pasteur and Salk: putting man under local anesthesia, a rib was removed, and using this rib as raw material, a new creature --- woman --- was synthesized. The economic benefits accruing from this technological breakthrough were numerous. The immediate effect was to double man's productive capacity, but in the long run it enabled him to create a cheap labor pool which effectively kept wages down and maintained favorable profit ratios. Now, a competitive situation soon arose in the Garden of Eden when a Serpent initiated a sales campaign aimed at lowering the unusually heavy post-seasonal inventory at the Tree of Knowledge. Approaching the woman, Eve, the Serpent said: "We have a special introductory offer on fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, better known by its brand name, Forbidden Fruit. How about taking home a few lugs?" Eve replied: "The Lord told us Forbidden Fruit is cheap foreign merchandise dumped in the Garden of Eden to try to undermine the Paradise Way of Life." "You must have our product confused with some other fruit," the Serpent said. "Look at this report from an independent research organization. It shows that 84-percent of the serpents who ate of the Tree of Knowledge attained infinite wisdom. It can do the same for you." "Infinite wisdom --- who needs it? What else will it do?" "It's also guaranteed to give you a better complexion in thirty days or your money back." "I'll take two lugs," Eve said, "but don't tell Adam; he'll be furious." After Eve had consumed the Forbidden Fruit, she realized she had been duped by one of the few unscrupulous operators who give the whole selling profession a bad name. Ridden with guilt, she went to Adam and said, "Honey, take a bite of this apple; it's delicious." "Isn't that Forbidden Fruit?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. I just bought a couple of lugs from the Serpent." "You little idiot. That's cheap foreign merchandise, dumped on the Garden of Eden in a naked attempt to undermine the Paradise Way of Life." "I know all that, but he assured me that it would improve my complexion and you know how I've been breaking out from all this rich food." "That's fine for you, but what's in it for me?" "Infinite wisdom." "Infinite wisdom? Who needs it?" "Look, sweetie," Eve said, smiling coyly, "do it for me, OK?" "Well, OK," Adam replied, and ate of the Forbidden Fruit. "Not bad for cheap foreign merchandise. Say, incidentally, Eve, why don't you throw a few fig leaves together and make a little outfit for yourself. It doesn't look so good parading in front of the birds and beasts like that." When the Lord received a communication to the effect that Adam and Eve had allowed cheap foreign merchandise to be marketed in the Garden of Eden in the face of explicit protective legislation, He was bitterly disappointed. As Adam and Eve walked through the garden, the Lord spoke to them over the public address system. "I am bitterly disappointed," the Lord boomed, "that you have jeopardized the Paradise Way of Life by allowing foreign competition to make inroads into domestic markets. In order to assess the full extent of the damage suffered by our sales structure and to insure the containment of further erosion of our markets, it will be necessary to determine responsibility for violation of the Tree of Knowledge Tariff Act." "Of course, I accept full responsibility for the actions of those under my jurisdiction," Adam said. "However, for the record, I want it noted that it was Eve who made the illegal purchase of Forbidden Fruit and persuaded me to eat this inferior foreign product." "I'm only a poor housewife victimized by the sharp practices of an unscrupulous Serpent," Eve replied. "How are we consumers supposed to protect ourselves without adequate labelling laws?" The Lord declared: "This violation of sound business practices cannot go unheeded. It is the decision of the executive board that you are to give up your franchise to the Garden of Eden. I hope it is understood that this action was taken without personal animosity, since you have both rendered loyal service in the past. However, We find We must cancel your health insurance and pension benefits. You have My sincere best wishes and hopes for success in your future undertakings. Please leave the keys at the gates as you leave" - John J McLaughlin, "The New Businessman's Bible" (excerpt) - -*-*-*- There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense. In other words, a good offense wins - VP J Danforth Quayle, attempting to paraphrase Bobby Knight, basketball coach - ============================================================================ Delivered by Brother I/O at the December 1990 PULSAR meeting: THE SERMON ON THE MONITOR Dearly C-loved, we are basically assembled here today because PCing is believing. We're here to console you; ASCII and ye shall receive. We say there is a life worth debugging! Data, data everywhere, but not a thought to think, that is the problem... Dear friends, perhaps you've interfaced with someone out there with a terminal illness, some poor hacker with bloodshot eyes in data distress who's been attacked by the evil one, Glitch, and his wicked helper Crosslink, someone whose FAT is truly in the fire. Even if your data has been blown all to HAL and it's your cluster's last stand, there's not a thing we can do to bring it back. But, we can solace you in your hour of need. And that is why the Giver Of Data has downloaded to me, from his heavenly host mainframe, at 9,600 baud error-free, the Keyboard Prayer for the data distressed. Now, let us make the sign of the monitor (trace a square with your finger in the air), bow our heads, and pray in parallel: THE KEYBOARD PRAYER Our program who art in memory, HELLO be thy name. Thy keyboard hum, Thy work be done, On disk as it is in memory. Give us our data In key-field order And forgive us our I/O errors, As we forgive those with faulty logic circuits, And lead us not into frustration, But deliver us from power surges. For thine is the algorithm, the application and the solution, looping forever and ever. Return! ============================================================================ Other people set one's objectives, provide one's resources, and furnish one's information. One rarely controls the circumstances of his work, or even its goal. In management terms, one's authority is not sufficient for his responsibility. It seems that in all fields, however, the jobs where things get done never have formal authority commensurate with responsibility. In practice, actual authority is acquired from the very momentum of accomplishment - Frederick P Brooks, Jr, "The Mythical Man-month" - -*-*-*- SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT, TEMPE, ARIZONA CASE #B19294, JUDGE JOAN KUJAVE, PRESIDING Wile E Coyote, Plaintiff vs Acme Company, Defendant Opening statement of Mr Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr Coyote: My client, Mr Wile E Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, `Defendant'), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation. Mr Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr Ernest Grosscup, MD, DO, details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr Coyote was neertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. Mr Coyote states on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: The Acme `Little Giant' Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue # 78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate. In addition to reducing all Mr Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr Coyote: 1) Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle 2) Sooty discoloration 3) Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise 4) Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration 5) Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking devise with a lanyard release. Mr Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium. To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr Coyote, viz, flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of folds in Mr Coyote's body tissues --- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard the larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: Thirty-eight million, seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law - Ian Frazier, 26 Feb 1990 'The New Yorker' - ============================================================================ Last month's puzzle was a short little poem about an innkeeper who had been asked to place 10 men into 9 rooms, such that each had their own room. The poem made it sound as if the innkeeper was able to do so... However, the true answer follows. In poetic form, of course... :) -*-*-*- Innkeepers are a clever lot, But one was not too bright, 'Cause in nine rooms he could, he thought, Sleep ten without a fight. When to the inn our party strode, I was the last of ten The other nine were bedded first, My turn had come, but then; Back to the first, the innkeep ran, From there one man was led He took him to the room twas mine And gave to him, MY bed. He called him last who was the first, And left me cold and tired, So with my sword, I ran him through And in his bed, retired. Now wiser men from this should learn, A simple rule of thumb When fucking with a tired man's bed, A clever plan is dumb -*-*-*- Straight men need to be emasculated. I'm sorry. They all need to be slapped around. Women have been kept down for too long. Every straight guy should have a man's tongue in his mouth at least once - Madonna - ============================================================================ Now, we come to my favourite section, "The News Slick," where truth is almost always stranger than fiction... It's doubtful that anyone could make up better news than what the normal wire services provide on an almost daily basis... With that in mind, here's all the news that fits to print... Enjoy! -*-*-*- An enraged South African motorist bit off a policeman's ear while being ticketed - March 1986 - -*-*-*- Berlin Heights, Ohio: A couple filed a $125,000 lawsuit against a pizza company, claiming a "spoiled, rotten, rancid and moldy" pizza caused the death of their dog Fluffy. Their lawyer said the couple "became violently ill after eating a small quantity of the pizza. Then, they became severely distressed in their search for medical assistance and ran over Fluffy in the driveway." -*-*-*- A goldfish dealer in Florida asked tax collectors if he should keep a dead fish as proof of a loss. The auditors' reply? Please don't - March 1986 - -*-*-*- Indianapolis: A woman accused of writing more than $100,000 in bad checks was freed when she posted $1,800 bail --- by writing another rubber check - March 1986 - -*-*-*- Gresham, Oregon: A supermarket clerk sued a co-worker for $100,000 for mental stress and humiliation. He charged the colleague with "repeatedly and intentionally" passing gas at him while both were clerks in a local supermarket. -*-*-*- "Human Events" has come up with what we think is one of the best definitions of deficit spending we've seen. Such spending, it says, is like burning the logs of your life raft to keep yourself warm - March 1968 Augusta Georgia Herald - -*-*-*- Bellevue, Washington: A man, frustrated after his car got stuck, took a tire iron out of his trunk and smashed every window in the car. Still not satisfied, he pulled out a 9mm pistol and shot all four tires full of holes. The man then reloaded the gun and fired several more shots, but the gun jammed. He threw it down in the snow and returned to the tire iron. He was battering the hood when the police arrived. They said the man appeared sober and rational, just extremely perturbed -*-*-*- The war between deadbeats and businesses issuing credit cards is being escalated again. And it has gone electronic with a vengeance. Two Wisconsin inventors have re-designed those imprinting devices that merchants use to record your name and account number on sales slips. They added a computer wire to it and also a small oven. When your card is placed in the new device, the home-office computer goes over your account. If you've been paying your bills, the gadget works just as before. But if you're a deadbeat, the oven goes on --- and your credit card goes up in smoke... - March 1968 Atlanta Journal-Constitution - -*-*-*- Meribel, France: The Safest Sex Award at this year's Winter Olympics goes to the United States hockey team which, despite the presence of 36,000 condoms being passed out to athletes at the games, evidently had no energy to use them. "Ice hockey," said forward Viatcheslav Bykov, "is the best form of contraception" - 23 February 1992 - ============================================================================ Editorial Commentary -*-*-*- January 1991: 58% of the people in the US live in areas where the air quality falls short of the standards set by the 1970 Clean Air Act -*-*-*- Every ton of re-cycled paper saves 9.9 cubic feet of landfill space -*-*-*- Every day, the citizens of Los Angeles drive 142 million miles --- the distance from Earth to Mars - 50 Simple Things You Can Do to Save the Earth - -*-*-*- Every second, on each square yard of its surface, the sun produces enough energy to light 100,000 homes ============================================================================ And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that mankind does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than myself (hi, Kalen!): "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think? If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here, and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your non-tax-deductible subscriptions and donations in whatever amounts please you to: caren park 2557 - 14th avenue west suite 501 seattle, washington 98119 (01 March 1992) We will acknowledge, in print, messages from our reading public with the warmest thoughts for our survival... If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus Report, we'd appreciate it. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to you... We would appreciate it: (1) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate actions; (2) if you like what we do here, please donate or subscribe with dollar amounts you feel appropriate and helpful, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff on a regular basis... We also have a program contained within CKP-MSG.ZIP (a Fortune-like program) from which everything you will see here can be found, and then some. For a nominal cost per year ($25 US), I will provide the latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest updates of the datafile to you... Address inquiries about this program and/or the datafile to the address above... We leave you now with a last thought... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The president is to be the commander in chief of the army and navy of the United States, and of the militia of the several states, when called into actual service of the United States.... In this respect his power would be nominally the same as the King of Great Britain, but in substance much inferior to it. It would amount to nothing more than the supreme command of the army and navy as the first General and Admiral of the Confederacy; while that of the King extends to declaring of war and raising of fleets and armies; all which by the constitution in consideration would appertain to the legislature - Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist #69, March 14, 1788 - ...until next month...