============================================================================ ********* *** *** ****** ********* *** *** *** * *** *** *** *** ** *** ********* ******* *** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** *** ** *** he *** *** umus *** ** eport THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s. Issue 002, Vol I March 1988 copyright (c) 1988 caren park chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff all rights reserved, and all that other stuff ============================================================================ An Introduction Would Be In Order: Hello, there, fellow friends of weird. We are very happy to bring to you the strangest and most absurd that we can find in a format pleasing to the inquiring mind. We will attempt to bring to you items of focus, items for the discriminating thought process that some of us have (usually after we order a Whopper with anything on it), items with little social redeeming value. These are our goals, and we wish you to become a small part in this orchestration. If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus Report, we'd appreciate it. Our address will be given to you near the end of our report. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to you... We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after month... We would also appreciate it if you would distribute this newsletter far and wide, to the six corners of the world, to the heights and depths your soul can reach, the ends of the universe, and even to Encino, California, if you should happen to be down there before I... The only restriction I make upon its distribution is that NO CHARGE, zero, zilch, nil, none, all of the above, NO CHARGE will be made for this newsletter unless I receive 100% of that charge... This means, NO CHARGE for diskette distribution, NO CHARGE for inclusion with other junk, NO CHARGE for access, etc... As I am insured by the Guido and Vittorio Pin-Stripe Violin Case Maker Insurance Company, I hope there will be no exceptions... I also have a program called CKP-MSG.ARC which contains virtually everything you will see here and then some. For a nominal cost per year, I will provide the latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest updates of the datafile to you... address inquiries about this program and/or the datafile to the address near the end of our report... This show can thank the following people: caren park (chief bottle washer and etc), Jeanie Wilson (Sure Signs That You've Hit Bottom), Tim Joseph (the Unified Field Theory), the people in charge of the "Today" program, and another cast of few... So, without further adieu, on with the show... ============================================================================ "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..." ============================================================================ March, it appears, is the month you will want to have been born in if you have an aspirations of becoming a musician or an artist. If you weren't, blame your parents. It's all their fault. Non-Humus-breeders born during March include Frederic Chopin (01 Mar 1810), Antonio Vivaldi (04 Mar 1678), Maurice Ravel (07 Mar 1875), Georg Philipp Telemann (14 Mar 1681), Albert Einstein (14 Mar 1879), Nat King Cole (17 Mar 1919), and Johann Sebastian Bach (21 Mar 1685). However, it's Amazing BUT True! March is chock full of people that were born during this month, and more than a few of them did their best to provide the rest of the world with pure and unadulterated humus. We honor these folk for their contributions to the known world of today... Prince Henry the Navigator (04 Mar 1394) sponsored Portuguese voyages of discovery, which eventually led to Christopher Columbus and Little Richard and Ronald Reagan (well, two out of three ain't bad...); Karl Ferdinand von Grafe (08 Mar 1787) helped create modern plastic surgery, thus breaking ground for what is present-day downtown Beverly Hills, thus giving Phyllis Diller something to do on weekends (don't you like doing connect-the-dots with history?); Leonard "I am NOT Spock, but they keep throwing obscene amounts of money at me so I keep doing it" Nimoy (26 Mar 1931); and, Vincent van Gogh (30 Mar 1853), the first well-known artist who obeyed Marc Antony's admonition to lend an ear... it's not known WHO he lent it to, however... March events include The Return of the Buzzards to Hinckley Ohio (every Ides of March); St Patrick's Day (the chance for all to imbibe well beyond their limits), and Evacuation Day (does anyone in Boston know why?) on the 17th; The Swallows Make A Mess of San Juan Capistrano on the 19th; and, the celebration of life with the first day of Spring AND the start of the Persian New Year occur on the 21st... Remember when: First Class postage was raised from 8 to 10 cents (02 Mar 1974), and from 15 to 18 cents (22 Mar 1981)? Pioneer 10 was launched on the 3rd, 1972? Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC) introduced the PDP-11 computer on the 13th, 1970? Congress creates the Territory of Nevada (02 Mar 1861). Later, Congress tries to disappear the State of Nevada with nuclear testing... Patrick Henry asks for "Liberty or Death" (23 Mar 1775). He should have asked for "Liberty or Something Else"... Cocaine hits the big-time with Coca-Cola (29 Mar 1886)... And, 30 Mar 1853 sees a patent granted to Hyman Lipman for a pencil with an eraser! Oh, yeah. For those of you with signs of insecurity: Pisces : Avoid extravagant emotions. You do not fare well in a subordinate position. Let your boss out of that closet before you do something he'll long regret... - caren park, 10 Nov 1985 - For what it's worth... ============================================================================ "What makes Teflon (r) stick to the pan?" ============================================================================ When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- This test will show you just how "pure" you really are. Hopefully, there are more than a few of you that will pass this test. Perhaps it should be given to our presidential candidates, and the one amongst them who scores the best should be given the job? :) --- --- --- --- --- PERSONAL PURITY TEST Score by counting every "NO" as one point. "MPS" = Member of the Preferred Sex. "HSI" = Had Sexual Intercourse. All Sexual activity questions must be scored after puberty. Have you ever: 1. had an erection (clitoral or penial) 2. told a dirty joke to a MPS 3. had a date 4. been out on a date past 4am 5. had a blind date 6. danced cheek to cheek --- --- the suction section --- --- 7. kissed a MPS 8. kissed a MPS in the horizontal position 9. kissed a MPS within last 3 months 10. kissed underwater 11. been french-kissed 12. kissed a MPS on the thigh 13. kissed/been kissed by a MPS on the breast 14. necked 15. necked for more than 2 hrs continuously 16. come while necking --- --- want a piece of candy, little one? --- --- 17. seen a naked MPS over age 15 18. been seen naked by an MPS after puberty 19. seen a stripper 20. read a porno book or magazine 21. seen a porno movie 22. committed an act of voyeurism --- --- you like the candy, little one? --- --- 23. had an alcoholic drink 24. been drunk 25. used alcohol to lower MPS's resistance to sex 26. smoked tobacco 27. smoked marijuana or hashish 28. used a stronger drug 29. been arrested 30. been convicted of a crime --- --- temperature rising? --- --- 31. had breasts fondled or fondled breasts of MPS 32. caressed a MPS's thigh 33. fondled a MPS's ass 34. fondled a MPS's genitals 35. had your genitals fondled 36. had a clitorial stimulation (co-ed) 37. had an orgasm due to manipulation by a MPS 38. gone through motions of sex fully dressed 39. massaged or been massaged by a MPS 40. showered, bathed or used a sauna with a MPS 41. undressed a MPS 42. been undressed by a MPS --- --- oh wow... --- --- 43. had sexual intercourse (HSI) 44. HSI outdoors 45. HSI more than 10 times 46. HSI with a virgin 47. HSI three or more times in one night 48. HSI in three or more positions 49. HSI in a car 50. HSI with two MPS within 24 hours 51. HSI using a condom 52. HSI at a drive-in Movie 53. HSI at the MPS's House 54. HSI within last 3 months 55. HSI continuously for 1/2 hour --- --- uh oh... --- --- 56. had anal intercourse 57. impregnated a women or been pregnant 58. arranged or had an abortion 59. gone on, or been the object of a sex run of over 100 miles 60. described a sexual experience to a third party 61. committed incest 62. attended an orgy 63. committed statutory rape 64. committed forcible rape or been forcibly raped 65. propositioned by a prostitute or a pimp 66. accepted proposition by a prostitute or pimp --- --- is that hair on your palms? --- --- 67. engaged in fellatio 68. engaged in cunnilingus 69. gone "69" 70. masturbated 71. masturbated with another person in room 72. masturbated to a picture 73. been caught masturbating 74. watched another person masturbate --- --- robertson/falwell hell... --- --- 75. been propositioned by a homosexual 76. accepted the proposition of a homosexual 77. been masturbated by a member of the same sex 78. orally stimulated a member of the same sex 79. HSI with a homosexual MPS --- --- mi casa y su casa... --- --- 80. lived in a co-ed room with three or more occupants 81. committed an "oops" (walking in on people HSI) 82. been displaced by a MPS staying with roommate for >= 1 night 83. spent a night in a MPS's room or apartment 84. slept with a MPS --- --- living "dangerously"... --- --- 85. golden showered a MPS 86. wrestled a MPS 87. had or caused a Wasserman test due to reasonable suspicion 88. had VD 89. had passion cramps 90. fondled a MPS under 13 91. worn a MPS's clothes 92. committed bestiality 93. tasted semen 94. simulated sex with an inanimate object 95. played co-ed strip poker 96. picked up a MPS 97. had an orgasm in a dream 98. experimented sexually before puberty 99. bought contraceptives in a drug store 100. committed an act of exhibitionism And now, the main question is: How did you do? Remember: There are no incorrect answers to any of the questions posed above. However, a score of more than 85 means you aren't upholding your end of the sexual revolution, and may be in need of practice or a new set of morals... :) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Achilles' Biological Findings: .1. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment .2. A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first --- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster ============================================================================ This next piece would be funny, if it weren't almost truth... One of our presidential candidates for 1988, the good Senator Albert Gore Jr, Democrat for the South, married a lady named Mary Elizabeth, nicknamed "Tipper" some time ago; sorry, we were unable to find out why to either of your unasked questions. Though she certainly doesn't look like a dog, and as of last report, doesn't come when whistled at, her very thoughts were on censorship not too long ago, and the following portrays an "artist's conception" of those thoughts... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tipper Gore's Diary SPIN magazine, sometime late 1985 Dear Diary: What a busy day! This morning, I chaired another meeting of the Parents Music Resource Center Rock Archives Committee. Keeping sex and violence out of records and off videos was just our first goal - that was hard enough! Expunging this filth from the very annals of history is really a big job! Last week, you'll remember, we banned "Work With Me, Annie" by the Midnighter, because it has lines like "Annie please don't cheat, give me all my meat." We also banned their "Sexy Ways", which has such lines as "Upside down, all around/Any old way, just pound, pound, pound." Hard to believe the man who wrote these songs also wrote "The Twist" (note to self: review Chubby Checker). After that we listened to a song the Treniers recorded in 1952 called "Poon-Tang"! I can't imagine what they thought they were getting away with! "I got a yen that I'm dyin' to please till I get weak in the knees / Gonna get me that poon-tang! Poon-tang, poon-tang, poon-tang"! How were these young men brought up? Of course we banned it. Then we banned "Cow Cow Boogie" by Ella Mae Morse, "Drinkin' Wine, Spo-Dee-O-Dee" by Stick McGhee, lots of stuff by Big Joe Turner, and this terrible record by the Dominos called "Sixty Minute Man" about some goof who boasts he can maintain the sex act for an hour. (Isn't that a hoot! Who has the time?) Then we banned Jimmy Lloyd's "I Got a Rocket in My Pocket", the Invictas' "Do the Hump", Bullmoose Jackson's "Big Ten Inch Record", the Versatones' "Tight Skirt, Tight Sweater", the Toppers' "Baby, Let Me Bang Your Box", and the Elcords' "Peppermint Stick". That's the song where the words, "Peppermint Stick, eat my dick" keep being repeated. It's awful how that just sticks in your head. We got rid of "Big Legged Woman" by Jerry Lee Lewis and "Can't Get Enough of That Stuff" by Julia Lee, which has all sorts of smutty lyrics such as "Julia always likes her men and whiskey straight." Then we tossed Gene Vincent's "Woman Love", with lines like "I'm lookin' for a woman with a one-track mind / A-fuggin' and a-kissin'and a-smoochin' all the time." This was on the flip side of "Be-Bop-a-Lula", which is pretty fishy itself. Then we banned a bunch of songs by Wanda Jackson, like "Let's Have a Party", "Mean, Mean Man", and "Fujiyama Mama", in which she sings, "I been to Nagasaki, Hiroshima too / The things I did to them, baby, I can do to you / Cause I'm a Fujiyama Mama and I'm about to blow my top / And when I start eruptin', ain't nobody gonna make me stop." Somebody said Wanda became a born-again Christian. I wonder if the Lord thinks that's enough. We started off banning just "Good Golly, Miss Molly","Tutti Frutti", and "Long Tall Sally" by Little Richard, but then we figured, the heck with it, let's ban everything he did. Similarly, we were just going to ban "Get Up, I Feel Like being a Sex Machine" by James Brown, but then we decided since he exudes such primal sexual energy, we ought to ban all his stuff. On that basis, out went everything by Wilson Pickett and Tina Turner, and on one member's heartrending testimony, Bobby Sherman. Then somebody mentioned that she heard Joni Mitchell slept around alot, so we chucked all her songs, too. All that work left us pretty tuckered out, but we knew we hadn't even scratched the surface, so we met bright and early this morning and really got to work. We banned Lou Christie's "Rhapsody in the Rain" because the BBC banned it, and their word is good enough for us. We banned Ray Charles' "I Got a Woman" and a bunch of Chuck Berry songs like "Reelin' and Rockin'" and "My Ding-a-Ling", and "Wake Up, Little Susie" by the Everly Brothers, because we didn't buy their story that they were just sleeping (if you're that tired, go to bed. Don't tell me Susie, Phil, and Don all dozed off at the same second). We banned the Knack's "Good Girls Don't", Joan Jett's "Do You Want to Touch Me", Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls", and Bob Seger's "Night Moves." We banned Simon and Garfunkel's "Cecila" because the title character engages in casual sex and Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl" because the boy and the girl make love behind the stadium. We banned "Louie, Louie" by the Kingsmen. Yes, we know that when the song came out, the FCC investigated it for obscenity and found it "unintelligible at any speed." But that's precisely the problem. Even if it's not obscene, it gives the kids a chance to use their imaginations. We banned Mark Dinning's "Teen Angel", Ray Peterson's "Tell Laura I Love Her", "Last Kiss" by J Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers, and "Leader of the Pack" by the Shangri-Las. They represent a cult of romantic violent death. We banned "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Bob Dylan. I mean, if we banned "We're Not Going to Take It" by Twisted Sister, we had to get rid of songs that are >really< contemptuous of authority. After lunch, we banned Dylan's "Lay, Lady, Lay", Mel and Tim's "Backfield in Motion", "Hanky Panky", and "I Think We're Alone Now" by Tommy James and the Shondells, Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side", "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" by the Shirelles, Peter and Gordon's "Lady Godiva", Meat Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" (this has certainly changed my opinion of Phil Rizzutto), "Lola" by the Kinks, and "This Girl Is a Woman Now" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. We banned Billy Paul's "Me and Mrs Jones" because it glorifies adultery. We banned the Commodore's "Three Times A Lady" (imagine that nice Lionel Richie being involved in something like that!). We banned Lee Dorsey's "Ride Your Pony" because of the lines "Now get on your pony and ride. Now, shoot! Shoot!" Oh, I'd like to rub that smirk off that Dorsey man's face! We had to ban Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" even though it's good aerobicise music. We also spent some time on "A Brand New Key" by Melanie. Frankly, I didn't see what was wrong with it. Then someone suggested that I should think of the key as Albert's p. and that I should think of myself as the roller skate, with a little hole where the key goes... well say no more! The things these people try to pull! We devoted the rest of the day to listening to everything by Aretha Franklin, Mitch Ryder, and the Rolling Stones. We had to ban nearly all of it. The stuff was either too juvenile or too mature. We had a big debate about how bad the phrase "sock it to me" could be, since President Nixon said it on Laugh-In. But then someone told us that her college roommate had a boyfriend who told her that "sock it to me" was what black men said to black women when they wanted to have sex, so we concluded Mr Nixon was just trying to win black votes. We discussed "Honky Tonk Women", and whether the line was "she blew my nose", which would be OK, or "she blew my hose", which would be something very different. We just banned it all. This is exhausting and sordid work, and sometimes I regret having taken it on. I would much rather be spending the afternoon at home, tending my rosebushes and catering to Albert's big contributors. But I am certain I am doing the right thing. Next week we are going to devote our whole session to the Captain and Tenille. I feel bad, because they seem like such nice people. He wears that funny hat and she sings the National Anthem at Dodger games, and looks so wholesome. But they did record "Do That to Me One More Time" (you know - "Once is never enough with a man like you"). We're going to see if we can approve the song by coming up with a "that" that would fit the song, and not be the "that" that we really know it is. Until next time, T ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Castrate extremists! ============================================================================ Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic G's Third Law: In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit H's Dictum: There is no magic ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "'Once ze rockets go up, who cares vere zey come down, 'That's not my department,' says Wernher von Braun" - Tom Lehrer - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unified Field Theory In the beginning there was Aristotle And objects at rest tended to stay at rest, And objects in motion tended to come to rest, And soon everything was at rest, And God saw it was boring. Then God created Newton, And objects at rest tended to remain at rest, But objects in motion tended to remain in motion, And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and matter was conserved. And God saw it was conservative. Then God created Einstein, And everything was relative, And fast things became short, And straight things became curved, And the universe was filled with inertial frames, And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was especially relative. Then God created Bohr, And there was the principle, And the principle was quantum, And all things were quantified, But some things were still relative, And God saw that it was confusing. Then God was going to create Furgeson, And Furgeson would have unified, And he would have fielded a theory, And all would have been one, But it was the seventh day, And God rested, And objects at rest tend to remain at rest - Tim Joseph - ============================================================================ And now, for the news... All of the news this month will be true, just as it came off the wire into our editing room. None of the facts have been changed to protect the innocent, or anyone else for that matter... Behold... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A House wag from California introduced a bill Friday to create "Reagan's Rough Riders," an expeditionary force of volunteers to keep the Panama Canal open in case the new treaties are not ratified and hostilities break out. The bill, sponsored by Representative John L Burton (D-Cal), calls for commissioning former California Governor Ronald Reagan as a colonel in the Army and giving him a white horse on which to lead his "Rough Riders" into combat. However, if Reagan preferred to remain at headquarters in the rear, he would have to supply his own white horse, according to the legislation. Burton, a San Franciscan given to flights of whimsy, supports the Senate ratification of the new pacts to replace the Panama Canal Treaty of 1903. The 1903 treaty was signed by then-President Theodore Roosevelt, who led the famed charge by "volunteer Rough Riders" up San Juan Hill in Cuba during the Spanish-American War. Reagan is a leader of the opposition to the new canal treaties being drawn up in both the House and the Senate - Washington Times - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A judge in Leeds, England, ruled that a man would have to pay $131.60 in telephone calls charged to his wife. The calls were made by his wife's lover from Paris. Collect ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A letter sent c/o the LA Times has been forwarded to Ruth (Spaceship Ruthie) Norman, the San Diego-area woman who has bet a London bookmaking firm $6,000 against 100-1 odds that a spaceship will land on earth before 30 September 1977. The letter's return address says "Starship Tad". Encouraging news? Well, it was postmarked Orange, California ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From a NASA letter on procurement policy, page 2 NASAHQ 286 unclas: "The purpose of this message is to provide clarification, on an interim basis, to be followed until such time as PRD 70-15 is formally revised. Note that this interim guidance on the conduct of discussions is not repeat not a change in policy or concept; it is solely clarification, and should be so construed. While the clarification is presented in the form of a partial revision of PRF70-15, this does not necessarily mean that formal revision will follow the same format or composition; but rather it is so presented so that it may be read in context with 70-15, which, of course, remains effective. The affected part of 70-15 is paragraph iii. D(2) covering conduct of discussions in cost-reimbursement type contracts and all R & D-type contracts" - 1987 - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The University of New Hampshire at Durham has barred one of its students from keeping a boa constrictor in his dormitory room. The student said the action is unfair. Thomas Keegan, 22, of Laconia (NH), has owned "Squeeze" for nine years. He said the university was discriminating against his snake because it permits other animals that live in cages to stay in the dormitories. "Snakes, on the basis of noise and smell, adapt perfectly to dorm life," said Keegan. He added that Squeeze could also be kept in a cage, and that the six-foot snake would be less likely to spread diseases than gerbils, rats, birds and turtles. A zoology professor at the university confirmed that most diseases from snakes can't be transmitted to humans. Nevertheless, Keegan said, he was told to remove the snake from the dorm. He said he had been keeping Squeeze in a converted TV set with two padlocks on it. Keegan also said that he kept the snake locked up to keep people from injuring him - March 1978 Redwood Times - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEMON COMPUTER Officials of a large bank have called in exorcists to rid a possessed computer terminal of the demon that killed two workers and put another in a coma. "It sounds absurd and superstitious in these days to talk about demonic possession, but we have no other explanation," said Jorge Montalabo, vice president of customer relations at the bank in Valparaiso, Chile. "In just five months since the terminal was installed, three operators were stricken while at its keyboard. "Our employees refuse to work with it and fear that if the terminal is removed the demon inside will slip into the entire computer system." The terminal, consisting of a TV screen and keyboard, was one of 13 installed in the bank along with a new $7.3 million computer system, said Montalabo. Two weeks after she began working with it, Luisa Morello, a 27-year- old mother of two, was found sitting before the video screen, her mouth open and an empty look in her eyes. She was rushed to a hospital where she remains --- in a brain-dead coma, said Montalabo. Two other women also worked with the terminal. Each was found by co-workers slumped over the keyboard --- dead. Doctors said the first died of a massive stroke. No one knows what killed the other, a 22-year-old girl with no medical problems. Baffled doctors who performed an autopsy labeled her death as due to "mysterious circumstances," he said. "At first, we decided to just remove the terminal," said Montalabo. "But the workman who came to carry it away fainted when he tried to unplug it from the system. "Luckily, he revived a few minutes later. But our employees began calling the terminal cursed by the devil and possessed. A spokesman for the workers said they will all quit unless holy men are brought in to vanquish the evil within the device." Montalabo said the bank has sent for three Inca spirit-breakers who live high in the Andes, 200 miles from the city. Meanwhile, the terminal has been cordoned off and the terrified bank workers give it a wide berth. "If the exorcism doesn't work and someone else dies while using the terminal, we'll have to scrap all of our computers and spend millions getting a new system," said Montalabo. "Otherwise, no one will work here" - 03 March 1987 Weekly World News - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alma, Arkansas, the self-proclaimed spinach capital of the world, is preparing for its first festival celebrating the leafy green stuff that made Popeye great. An 8-foot statue of Popeye the Sailor will be unveiled and dedicated in time for the city's May 16-18 Spinach Festival - 21 March 1987 Seattle Times - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cartoon in the Wall Street Journal: Nurse holding phone, to doctor: "It's a nostalgia buff. He wants to know if you make house calls" ============================================================================ And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that man does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than I, "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think? If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here, and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to: caren park 2557 Fourteenth Avenue West Suite 501 Seattle, Washington 98119 (01 January 1992) We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for our survival... Our next issue will be out near the end of the second week in March, and we'll cover Holy Sperm and ask your advise on the "Best of", listen to an excellent bit of radio with KGFO-AM & FM, and we'll throw in several other items of merit, just for good measure... We leave you now with a few thoughts... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sure Signs That You've Hit Rock Bottom The cat prefers living with your next-door neighbor There's another woman, when >you're< the other woman Your psychiatrist asks you to find another doctor --- you depress him too much You spend Saturday night watching a Love Boat rerun while sifting through a box of Raisin Bran for the raisins - Jeanie Wilson, Cosmopolitan October 1987 (p322) - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between ...until next month...