=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Normality of Rage ----------------- Rage. There's such an ineffable ambivalence about rage... It's almost as alluring as it is repulsive... Or perhaps that's just me? I don't know... Most of the time, I feel like it's only natural for a human being to spend most of their life in an outraged despair feeling like a drowning, trapped sewer rat, but...well, but most people who I talk to seem to think otherwise. What is normal? If that's not it, then I don't know what it is. I can't imagine going through life without a complete hopeless-panic hybrid stepping in at regular intervals to make everything uncomfortable and dissatisfying. I'm not trying to procure any solace, and I'm not trying to jerk any tears (there are better stories for that than any that I have anyway)... I'm just telling it like it is. I really can't imagine that anyone goes through their life looking forward to the new day for any other reason than that it marks the end of the past day. Is that normal? I don't know. I really don't know anymore, and I don't think I ever did... I often feel so inundated with rage and contempt that I just want someone to start a fight with me - mind you, I've never been in a fight before - just so that I could beat the shit out of something. In fact, half of my daydreams are of people pulling me away from a bloodied and disheveled asshole on the ground so that I don't kill him. Why the other people to pull me away? I think that some foresight-bearing vestige of my mind knows that I wouldn't want murder or manslaughter charges, and I would NOT want to end up in a mental institution for life, but...well, I often wonder if I wouldn't kill someone outright if I got the chance. I'm not sure that I could stop myself once it started. That's not to say serial killings or premeditation of any vast, convoluted plots to make incisive blows against selected people, but more...well, more of just a "crime of passion" thing. I'm not sure that once I let the hate pour out, that it could stop until I quenched my thirst for blood. Sometimes, I just want to bite into another's flesh and tear chunks out with my teeth. I guess I almost feel like that would satisfy the rage better; that it'd be a more effective floodgate to let some of the pressure out. Or maybe it's just the ancient, hand-me-down animal blood trying to remind me how it always worked before it got trapped inside these ridiculous, ostentatious bipeds who try most moronically to solve their disputes with blue uniforms and other bipeds behind large desks who have hammers used not to smash the offenders, but to sound off on their desk so inefficaciously. Not to be trite or banal, but...perhaps it's the "Call of the Wild", trying to tell me that I should use my body and just kill, rather than relying on any human weapons, either direct or indirect. Or maybe I just feel that I could clench my teeth much better than my fists around a throat; that it could be much more effectively destructive than any punches, pushes or kicks that I could throw at my foe... It's an odd balance... I both can understand and see the pain for any one person, and want to reach out to them with hands that I don't have; hands that would alleviate all that's wrong in their life - and then, I want to kill most people, and find a scapegoat to take the place of those whom I could never kill... I'm not so sure I could kill anyone. But if someone riled me enough....I just don't know what would happen. It could be...it could be bad. I dunno, I guess I'll see.... I dunno, whatever. I mean, it's just kinda been there, and it'll probably remain. And that's okay, 'cuz this is normal............isn't it? - agrajag http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Club/1610/Dep.html =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back = = issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK = = FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids = = FTP.DTO.NET /pub/zines/fuck = = FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK = = WWW http://www.sekurity.org/~fuck (temp down) = = http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho = = http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html = = http://www.simunye.com/fuck = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=