ÚÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÙ À¿ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ ÀÄ¿ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ À¿ ÃÄÄÄÄ¿ ÀÄ¿ ³ ³ ³ ÀÄÄ À¿ ³ ³ ³ ÚÙ ³ ÚÄÙ ³ ÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Damned Fucking Shit Edited by Access Denied Issue #21 Title: A Few Theories Date: 1/15/94 By: Wonko The Sane ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ A Few Theories Well, here's a few theories about life, the universe, and everything, but not pertaining to any one of those in particular. These are the things I decide to realize when I'm so bored that I've called every board in my dialing dir, twice, and have resigned myself to sitting in bed trying, unsuccessfully, to scrape off flaws in the paint of the walls of my room. Theorem #1, the Pocket Change theorem. I have yet to calculate the actual probability ratio, but, I CAN give you an example of what I'm talking about here. Say that you have, in your pocket, 2 Quarters, 4 Nickels, 5 Dimes, and about 4.5 billion pennies. You walk up to the counter at your favorite place to eat lunch, and the total comes out to $5.06. [Here's where the theorem comes in] Inevitably, you will extract from your pocket at least 1 Quarter, 3 Dimes, and 2.23 Nickels before you pluck out the penny you need to pay in exact change. Theorem #2, the Soda Machine theorem. Have you ever noticed those people in the halls swearing and grumbling at soda machines because they refuse to take their dollars, maybe you are one of these people. You spend hours straightening out that dollar bill so that the machine will suck it right up only to get it spat back out at you at least 12 times before you go ask someone for change. Here's a news flash: Whether or not a soda machine takes your dollar has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what condition the dollar is in. What it DOES have to do with is how your present yourself to the machine, and your general manner in approaching the beast. Your dollar will most definitely be spat back out at you if you run up to the machine, with a frown on your face and quickly try to slip it in. Your dollar most definitely WILL be accepted if you present yourself in a friendly, open manner. Try not to make any quick moves, and wear a smile, it'll take it ever time. I've been testing this one for about 3 months now, haven't been rejected yet. Theorem #3, the Time theorem. This is the most complex, and most interesting of my theorems, it also happens to be the hardest to understand. Say, for example, that you're sitting in class at 11:40. You don't know what time it is, but you do desire to know what time class ends. You have two options. 1). You can somehow figure out what time it is, then calculate from the first period of the day, adding the periods together, what time class will end, subtract, and you've got how much time is left in class. 2). You can sit blindly and wait for the bell to ring. If you chose option one, class will end at 12:00, if you chose option 2, class will end at 11:45. This is inevitable. SOMETHING will happen to make sure things go according to this theory, whether it be you forgetting to calculate something in, or the schedule being different that day, or whatever. It will happen. This theory presents a very large problem in testing; you must simultaneously know, and not know, what time it is (Anyone read "1984" ? Remember Doublethink?). Because of this I cannot currently prove this theorem, but I'm working on it. This is the end of my wacky theorems, look for more in future issues of DFS. Wonko the SANE SimSanity Incorporated P.S. This one really WAS written by Wonko the SANE. Find DFS On These Fine Systems ========================================================= | Paradise Lost - +1.414.476.3181 | | Ti - (Private) | | Realms of Decadence - +1.216.671.0078,,t66 | | Plan 9 Information Archives - +1.716.881.FONE (3663) | | | | AE - Plan 9 Information Archives - Login: DFS | | FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - pub/Zines/DFS | | | | To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS. The | | password is JINGLE JINGLE. | =========================================================