______________________________________________________________________________ T ||==\\ || || ||==\\ ||==|| || || B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N || || || || || || || \\ // ------------------------------------ H || || || || ||==// ||=|| >|< >>> Presents <<< || || || || || \\ || // \\ IPROSE-3.DBC E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #011-RT03 -- [10/14/91] ______________________________________________________________________________ Irrelevant Prose Volume 3: Dancing in the Field of Farmer Brown ------------- by Random Tox A Boy with Aides ---------------- Leo was an ordinary kid until about a year ago, when he went to Texas to visit his grandmother. He flew back unescorted on the plane. Now he has aides. Burdened by this horrible occurrence, Leo lost the normalcy so precious to middle school kids, who feel a deep-seated need to "fit in." But now Leo is the cause of controversy. Should a child with aides be allowed in school? They dressed in slick Brooks Brothers suits, gleaming leather shoes arching up to the wicked edge of the knifelike creases in their neatly pressed pants. Leo's aides discussed every event in great detail, never shutting up and continually advising him on everything, keeping him awake at night and shattering his concentration. Leo hates aides. Nobody likes aides, except perhaps for the President of the United States, who is the world's most prominent aides- beleaguered figure. Leo has tried to hide from his aides, or to disguise his affliction with the old "Uncles from out of town" bit. But now it's public, and many parents don't want their sons & daughters in the same classroom as an aides-afflicted student. While evidence shows that although annoying and debilitating, aides are not contagious and do not cause a distressing reversion to Republican ideals as was previously thought, many people still view them as a dangerous and potentially fatal malady which can be acquired through casual contact or political discussions. Never mind the danger of attending Republican caucuses. So for now, Leo must endure the criticism and prejudice of his peers and neighbors. It wasn't his fault that the plane flight back to Ohio was shared with several senators and their lackeys. What does matter is that aides can be prevented. Don't fly Air-Sununu. More Pasta to You ----------------- It was a dark and stormy night, and the cellar was inundated with water to the point that the sump pump jammed and the walls were soaked past the level of the fusebox. Dad was electrocuted when he stepped into a shallow pool that had gathered on the fifth step to the basement, and fell down the flight of stairs, drowning somewhere between the old green paisley sofa and the washing machine. Mom was really upset, but at least it meant there was more pasta to go around come suppertime. The Toy Animal Diet ------------------- I remember the time when my sister, in yet another manic diet, decided to lose weight by taking some sort of diet pill. The little red and white capsules would expand into a jelly-like substance, filling up your intestines and making you feel full. This was neither good enough nor fast enough for my sister, and in savage desperation she turned to Kay-Bee toy store and swallowed one of those gelatin capsules packed with a randomly selected, colored foam zoo animal, the kind that grow to immense size and weight as they absorb massive amounts of liquids. The doctor at the hospital presented us with a huge purple sponge zebra on a surgical steel platter and my sister healed in a few weeks, losing 45 pounds during her stay. The diet worked. Petri Dishes ------------ Virulent diseases are not fun. Don't play with them or tease them. If you have a vial or Petri dish with nasty fungal growths or bacteria, do not inhale sharply while in the vicinity. Don't even waft it gently in your direction. Ha ha. This is not a joke. FACT: Ingesting poisonous substances can have an adverse effect on your body. Don't think, "Hey, it's just a microscopic growth of some sort, it can't hurt me. Look how small it is." That's faulty logic. Think of Lego bricks. They're small and you can play with them, but if you inhale or swallow it, you become ill. Think of microbacteria as deadly Lego bricks. A Post-Christmas Tale --------------------- It was eight days after another snowless Christmas, and the earth was blanketed in a soft white icing of snow from the night before. Leo half ran, half fell down the stairs in the massive, energy burning effort of being the first person on the street to break the glistening crust of snow. Leo's snowsuit was unbelted, its dirty gray making him blend into the outside, a shadow on the white smeared earth. He sprung from his doorstep, arms flailing and hurled himself into the new snow, and began making a "snow angel", as they were called, sliding his arms and legs every which way. He then stopped and listened to the silence of the winter morning, his breath a wisp of smoke in the crisp air. He had started to hum the song "White Christmas" to himself when he was hit by a snowplow. ______________________________________________________________________________ (C)1991 by The Durex Blender Corporation & Random Tox All Rights Revered. 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